Killing Me Softly
Since the beginning of time, man has sought to cheat death by doing the dirty deed himself. Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about suicide.
While I don’t personally think suicide is the way to go, I understand the mantality of it — a mantality that can be expressed as simply as, “That’ll show the bastard.” It’s the way we men have lived and loved since Mother Earth felt her first Five Across the Eyes in the form of plowshare and a patch of turnips.
“Herd be damned,” said primitave man. “Because of my mighty mangenuity, this is where I’m living from now on. Right where I planted these turnips. And if I so chose, this is where I’ll be dying, by lifting a massive boulder and then dropping it on my head.”
You have to respect that.
Men are four times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women.
Women are three times more likely to unsuccessfully attempt suicide than men.
Typical. Of course you could replace the word “suicide” in the above text with absolutely whatever the fuck you wanted and it would still be accurate.
Men are four times more likely to successfully commit to a monogamous relationship than women.
Women are three times more likely to unsuccessfully attempt to balance a family and a career — or a simple fucking checkbook — than men.
We all knew where that was going. Men get the job done, plain and simple. Be it for reasons of gambling debts, desperate loneliness, or simple oldness; men know how to do everything with their lives, including end them, while women just know how to fill out credit card applications, adopt another cat, or keep draining the system until it’s as dry as they are — respectively.
So why are the success rates so wildly different? It seems obvious, that women who overdose on pills or try to tip a vending machine on top of themselves are just crying for attention, but is that the case? Maybe, but what if it’s something else?
What if women just don’t know how the body works. Here’s an example: if you ask a man how to get in shape every single one will tell you the exact same thing, “Eat less, exercise more.” It’s the miracle diet that has kept men in their primes for thousands of years. Ask a woman the same question, however, and you’re likely to hear some fancy sounding bullshit.
“Resolve your emotional issues with your mother by taking a class at the learning annex.” Wherein she means snacking on Doritos in the back of a Religious Studies seminar whilst learning about the prevalence of angels and fairies and other mystical shit.
“Carbs are the devil.” Right. Too bad we’ll never know what the effect of a woman not gorging herself on carbs is; seeing as how none of them can keep the fucking sugar loaded coffee drinks and snack foods out of their gaping maws.
And then comes the mother of all fitness fuck ups: “Yoga”.
My point is, women are so lousy at suicide because they actually don’t know how the fuck the human body works. It seems simple enough to us men; put a bullet in the brain and it stops working, however, the same principle of put a donut in your gut and it gets bigger is completely lost on women. They just don’t understand cause and effect like us men do.
Then again, maybe it’s a little of both: attention whoring mixed with women and their rampant dumbness. There’s only one thing we know for sure, and that’s no man has ever killed himself while he was pregnant. Sadly, the same can’t be said for women.
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Stranger and stranger. Methinks a little creative editing is going on here dick. How come I have now tried several times to post a reply to the man who has named himself after a wild dog and these posts do not appear?
I’m a guy and having analysed your blog, all I have to say is: Who let you out?
Seriously, when it comes to “stupid factor”, your blog reall takes the cake.
Ladies, I advise you not to waste your words on this fool. Use your time more constructivley and let the idiot rant and rave for all he’s worth.
“Not being you, I am aware of my own fallibility”
“… and do not suffer from compound ignorance.”
Mutually exclusive
http://www.hardcoretruth.com/Hypocrisy/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypocrite
I would quote you but it seems I have been banned from quoting LOLZ.
It sure is.
Hmmmm
In the words of dick, “those two sentences are mutually exclusive”
Tsk Tsk,
and don’t forget to drop by this site on your lunch break
wolfe when I want your opinion I’ll ask for it. Don’t hold your breath.
Language is fun. Thanks for a ray of sunshine, Esther.
And Female, I believe Esther is male, though I could of course be wrong on that. Not being you, I am aware of my own fallibility and do not suffer from compound ignorance.
-wolfe
Christ. You’re back are you? In response to your post all of it is shit except the first sentence. You tell me I’ve “copped” out on explaining for the men the reasoning behind my initial post. Well, sorry to tell you this Esther, but I’m sure they really couldn’t care less about that. As they already think they are better than everything, why would they waste their time reading what a female thinks? As they’ve repeatedly made clear, we have nothing to teach them and are purely only allowed here for their entertainment (You won’t catch me hanging around much longer, don’t worry about that. You truly are all a bunch of absolute arseholes).
However Esther, that I know that the men here already think they are better than everything is not the reason I did not deconstruct my statement. Why I did not do that is because my post wasn’t to the men here, it was a reply to Arielle, and in case you haven’t heard I have previously advised her that I do not wish to converse with her. So why would I bother going into an extended dialogue with her? Pretty simple really, I wouldn’t.
Now, sorry to disappoint you (again, obviously) but I do not wish to argue/debate or fight with you. So if you do reply to my post with venom, I shall simply ignore it.
Female, it’s like you’re not even trying anymore. To be petty, I could bring up the fact that “meant” is not a conjunction, but pettiness is a chore better left to women. I could then go on to say that “I won’t start explaining….commence.” is nothing but typical cop-out bullshit that women use to insinuate that men cannot reason analytically and “switch off” when forced to do so. The very statement itself resembles that exact behavior: The female instinct to replace rational thought and reason with smoke and mirrors, all while trying to make the other person (often a man) appear to be the one unwilling to engage in the conjecture.
I *could* say those things…but then that would just encourage another junior-high response out of you and I don’t know how much more of that I can take. I hope you take my mean’ing.
You have no idea what I mean’t, so how can you doubt that I did not mean one thing over something else? I mean’t what I mean’t. I won’t start explaining though cause men switch off when analytical deconstructions commence.
You know, I have to say I’d rather have my husband and son than anything else. To me, they are better than everything. ;) Of course, I very much doubt that is what Female meant!
He says you’re a dead man walking. hee hee.
Says he’s going down to the beach to get some target practice, then he’s coming for you. Have fun!!1!1!11
Do you have a boyfriend Female? I would like to buy him a christmas gift, a muzzle for you.
Man Law 1 in action. The word was “everything” you idiots!!1!11
You won’t be happy if I stay? Promise?
Dan, you beat me to it.
Men are better than anything? I would be surprised if that didn’t remind me of every single argument with a woman I’ve ever had.
Stage 3: The Spouting of Jibberish.
-Dick
“Men are better than anything” doesn’t make any sense, but you not making sense is nothing new. And no, as long as you continue to post here no one will be happy, truly.
“Men are four times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women.”
LOLZ
It’s called unconscious natural selection.
You know what, I am tired of beating my head against your empty ones.
Men are better than everything. Happy?