Killing Me Softly
Since the beginning of time, man has sought to cheat death by doing the dirty deed himself. Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about suicide.
While I don’t personally think suicide is the way to go, I understand the mantality of it — a mantality that can be expressed as simply as, “That’ll show the bastard.” It’s the way we men have lived and loved since Mother Earth felt her first Five Across the Eyes in the form of plowshare and a patch of turnips.
“Herd be damned,” said primitave man. “Because of my mighty mangenuity, this is where I’m living from now on. Right where I planted these turnips. And if I so chose, this is where I’ll be dying, by lifting a massive boulder and then dropping it on my head.”
You have to respect that.
Men are four times more likely to successfully commit suicide than women.
Women are three times more likely to unsuccessfully attempt suicide than men.
Typical. Of course you could replace the word “suicide” in the above text with absolutely whatever the fuck you wanted and it would still be accurate.
Men are four times more likely to successfully commit to a monogamous relationship than women.
Women are three times more likely to unsuccessfully attempt to balance a family and a career — or a simple fucking checkbook — than men.
We all knew where that was going. Men get the job done, plain and simple. Be it for reasons of gambling debts, desperate loneliness, or simple oldness; men know how to do everything with their lives, including end them, while women just know how to fill out credit card applications, adopt another cat, or keep draining the system until it’s as dry as they are — respectively.
So why are the success rates so wildly different? It seems obvious, that women who overdose on pills or try to tip a vending machine on top of themselves are just crying for attention, but is that the case? Maybe, but what if it’s something else?
What if women just don’t know how the body works. Here’s an example: if you ask a man how to get in shape every single one will tell you the exact same thing, “Eat less, exercise more.” It’s the miracle diet that has kept men in their primes for thousands of years. Ask a woman the same question, however, and you’re likely to hear some fancy sounding bullshit.
“Resolve your emotional issues with your mother by taking a class at the learning annex.” Wherein she means snacking on Doritos in the back of a Religious Studies seminar whilst learning about the prevalence of angels and fairies and other mystical shit.
“Carbs are the devil.” Right. Too bad we’ll never know what the effect of a woman not gorging herself on carbs is; seeing as how none of them can keep the fucking sugar loaded coffee drinks and snack foods out of their gaping maws.
And then comes the mother of all fitness fuck ups: “Yoga”.
My point is, women are so lousy at suicide because they actually don’t know how the fuck the human body works. It seems simple enough to us men; put a bullet in the brain and it stops working, however, the same principle of put a donut in your gut and it gets bigger is completely lost on women. They just don’t understand cause and effect like us men do.
Then again, maybe it’s a little of both: attention whoring mixed with women and their rampant dumbness. There’s only one thing we know for sure, and that’s no man has ever killed himself while he was pregnant. Sadly, the same can’t be said for women.
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December 19th, 2005 at 3:13 am - IP Man-Hash: d3afe86c48783
I’m a guy and having analysed your blog, all I have to say is: Who let you out?
Seriously, when it comes to “stupid factor”, your blog reall takes the cake.
Ladies, I advise you not to waste your words on this fool. Use your time more constructivley and let the idiot rant and rave for all he’s worth.
December 19th, 2005 at 3:48 am - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
Stranger and stranger. Methinks a little creative editing is going on here dick. How come I have now tried several times to post a reply to the man who has named himself after a wild dog and these posts do not appear?
December 19th, 2005 at 3:52 am - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
O well. Wild dog man, this reply is to you.
This
“I am aware of my own fallibility”
and
“I do not suffer from compound ignorance.”
M U T U A L L Y
E X C L U S I V E
Shall I also say the H word?
December 19th, 2005 at 4:14 am - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
Thanks E, I responded to you before, but of course that wasn’t allowed to be displayed. Dick likes to edit what I can and cannot say. It is nice to see a normal male here for once. I hope you decide to stay for a while.
December 19th, 2005 at 7:51 am - IP Man-Hash: d754ab99d7c00
It’s so cute to see Female use words and hysterically fly into all caps. Sadly, Female, words have meanings and those words do not mean what you think they do.
I’ve only seen Dick edit you once — he did eliminate one glorious post of yours that used eight quote indents and was unreadable. I was actually slightly sad he did so, since it indicated your spectacular skill at posting, but it was admittedly a blatant grab for attention on your part.
As for wild dog man, amusing, but you have internal causality backwards, and it shows your lack of reading. And breeding.
-wolfe
December 19th, 2005 at 9:07 am - IP Man-Hash: a0c7c73d83830
When it says “Your comment is being held for moderation” what it actually means is that your comment is being held for moderation. Try using your eyes and your brain at the same time. Oh wait, women are shit at multitasking.
-Dick
December 19th, 2005 at 10:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 3f6f1bc89c9c0
My orginal statement stands. “Men are better than everything” doesn’t make any sense either. It was the idea of the statement, not the semantics, that made it incorrect.
December 19th, 2005 at 3:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: 60b660aafc3e4
“Men are better than everything. Happy?”
What she means is that your towering intellects are too much for her to grasp. She is exasperated, afraid, and utterly confounded.
‘then he’s coming for you.’
female, I, too, can fake a threat. Your boyfriend would not receive death, but extreme pain until I’m finished with him. I’d have to immobilize him first, but that shouldn’t be too difficult. Doesn’t that sound funny to you?
First, I’d get that muzzle and wrap it tightly around your head…
“(You won’t catch me hanging around much longer, don’t worry about that. You truly are all a bunch of absolute arseholes).”
Oh, promises, promises…
we’ll see if you can resist…
but really, female, what did you expect? You’re such a hypocrite.
December 19th, 2005 at 4:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0e2f2db43d2f0
Is she gone yet? Can the adults continue our conversation?
P.S. - Yes, I’m of the male persuasion, but Esther is a hilarious name.
December 20th, 2005 at 2:16 am - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
Female said:
“How come I have now tried several times to post a reply to the man who has named himself after a wild dog and these posts do not appear?”
When it says “Your comment is being held for moderation� what it actually means is that your comment is being held for moderation. Try using your eyes and your brain at the same time. Oh wait, women are shit at multitasking.
-Dick
That comment about my post being held for moderation did not appear dick, if it had I would have seen it because remember I do not have substandard man eyes. Maybe you should create a FAQ section, call it FARK, if you want to sound tough and manly and put in a disclaimer about whether it is better to use IE or Firefox when viewing this site.
We do not all see the same things obviously.
Esther, truly awful name you’ve picked for yourself there. Are you a fan of Madge?
Grump, one minute you love me, the next you hate me. Make up your borderline personality disordered mind (no offence to any other BPDs reading this site)
Dan (oh looky Dan, this is my xmas present to you),
Female said:
Man Law 1 in action. The word was “everything� you idiots!!1!11
You won’t be happy if I stay? Promise?
Dan said:
My orginal statement stands. “Men are better than everythingâ€? doesn’t make any sense either. It was the idea of the statement, not the semantics, that made it incorrect.”
So, what you are saying is that I am wrong in saying that men are better than everything? and Dick, you agree with Dan on this? So simple, why the hell didn’t I use reverse psychology in the first five minutes on this site!!!!
December 20th, 2005 at 3:18 am - IP Man-Hash: dc6df4d5c25ad
Pfft. Could you get any more snobby?
December 20th, 2005 at 9:36 am - IP Man-Hash: e2d025f19e31f
Female said: “So, what you are saying is that I am wrong in saying that men are better than everything? and Dick, you agree with Dan on this? So simple, why the hell didn’t I use reverse psychology in the first five minutes on this site!!!! ”
I can answer that Female, it is because you know not what reverse psychology means. In fact i am sure you learned this term recently from either your own psychological therapist, or perhaps on Oprah or some other equally absurd woman’s show.
Now as for your threats pertaining to your boyfriend, as with most other things in your pathetic excuse for a life. I am of the belief, that he is just as imaginary as the rest of your friends. Either that or he is locked in the same psych-ward as you. There is of course the possiblility that said boyfriend, was caught in the coils of your serpent like tentacles and the life and manliness were subsequently drained from him. Thus allowing his truly un-manly decision to be with you. So, rather than threatening him, I and perhaps all men here should give a moment of silence for a fallen man, caught by Female. Let us all bow our heads.
December 20th, 2005 at 9:53 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
No wonder Female hates this site so much. If her boyfriend ever got ahold of it, he would exorcize the shrew.
-Dick
December 20th, 2005 at 10:56 am - IP Man-Hash: e2d025f19e31f
Indeed Dick, perhaps there is still hope for him, all may not be lost.
December 20th, 2005 at 12:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 957564b4aff6d
Grump loves you the way I love the Darwin Awards.
December 20th, 2005 at 1:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
“So, rather than threatening him, I and perhaps all men here should give a moment of silence for a fallen man, caught by Female. Let us all bow our heads.”
*snort* ROFLMAO. Don’t worry, he loves it. LOLZ
December 20th, 2005 at 3:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: 620db7e22a363
Female said “Says he’s going down to the beach to get some target practice, then he’s coming for you. Have fun!!1!1!11″
Typical, a woman gets herself into trouble and requires a man to bail her out. Also you might want to inform your “boyfriend” that it is not a good thing to threaten to do bodily harm to an Officer of the Law. Though, I see by the fact that he is with you, his Man-judgement is some what gone.
December 20th, 2005 at 6:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
Oldone, as an officer of the law I mean no disrespect to you when I say that it probably wouldn’t be considered mantastic to hide behind your badge. I think Female also mentioned her boyfriend was going to the beach to do some target practice, so perhaps he is also in law enforcement?
December 20th, 2005 at 7:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: c9f3d64ff5217
Hiding behind it, never, proudly displaying it, most certainly and most mantastically. Now why would her boyfriend wish ill of me, as I have no quarrel with him and if her boyfriend is indeed in law enforcement officer, then there can be no quarrel for not only are we men, but part of a brotherhood as well. If it is my comments about Female that he is unhappy with, then perhaps he should keep her off this site.
December 21st, 2005 at 1:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 05876c7260a2f
Where is your police station geezer? Are you “on the beat” or a desk jockey?