Miss Teen USA is Functionally Retarded
At a dog show, even third place is still a good specimen of dog. It might not be the best, but it’s a damn good dog. No one’s showing up at the Westminster Kennel Club with a dead monkey on a leash.
Third place at the Miss Teen USA pageant, however, is a mildly-functioning, retarded jackass.
I don’t know whether to criticize the Miss Teen USA pageant for this, or congratulate them on finding such an accurate ambassador for the female gender.
Just kidding. I would never criticize a Miss Anything pageant. They get enough shit from fat broads and Dove soap as it is.
At a recent Miss Teen USA pageant, Lauren Caitlin Upton was asked why 20% of Americans can’t identify the US on a map. This was her answer.
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.
For this Gordian Tongue-Twister, and for her pudgy shoulders, Miss Upton was awarded third-place.
The Miss Teen USA pageant exists to exemplify the most desired traits of teen-woman kind. I’ve mentioned elsewhere that women have shitty role models. If my daughter grew up to be Gloria Steinham, I would put the rest of my kids in pinata and mail them to an orphanage in Afghanistan. That said, this is not another case of Lindsey Lohan needs a slap, or a Tara Reid needs some underpants. This is a case of injustice.
I could not think of a more perfect role-model for young women than Miss Lauren Caitlin Upton. That’s why I’m awarding her the coveted MenAreBetterThanWomen.com Honorary Man of the Month Award. You may not be the hottest teen in America, Lauren, but you don’t have anything to worry about because failure is carb-free.
Women don’t know shit about shit. And more importantly, they don’t know they don’t know shit about shit. Fuck third place. Lauren should have been crowned with a $500 handbag for that impressive and clueless fuck-up. It took her an entire day to even realize how stupid it sounded. Now that’s womanly! Third place is for the woman who looks the male judges in the eye while she’s answering.
If I have a balloon animal making contest, and some clown drives a tank onto the stage, he’ll be disqualified. A tank is awesome, but it’s not a balloon animal. A woman might be able to regurgitate The Prince when asked how the U.S. should conduct it’s foreign policy. It’s a good answer, but it’s not womanly.
Lauren deserved first place. Unless there was a contestant who got lost on the way to the pageant and couldn’t call for directions because her cell phone bill ran out of decimal places, this was robbery.
Also, if that statistic is true, I’m betting 100% of that 20% are women.
Call me when you wear off those chicken wings, sweetheart.
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August 30th, 2007 at 11:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: b74365257c6f8
Did anyone see this complete air-head on Good Morning America? The idiot hosts were calling her “Brave” for coming on the show so she could re-answer the same question. Brave?
Brave is running across a mine field to retrieve an injured soldier. Brave is running up the stairs of a burning building while everybody else is running down the stairs. Brave is not going on TV and removing all doubt that your just a pretty uneducated vagina with two legs.
And my family wonders why I took my television out in the middle of the desert and shot it full of buckshot over a year ago.
August 30th, 2007 at 11:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
“Gloria Steinham”.
Ah it’s the little touches. Thanks, Dick.
@Sin - welcome to the site. I concur.
-wolfe
August 30th, 2007 at 11:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: a8014d2ff3afb
@ Sin - welcome on board the manboat. Spread the word!
August 30th, 2007 at 11:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: ff4893678328d
Anyway, Dick, you pissed out the fact that she was an “honours student”. Ooooh. She blew her way to the top, eh? Hehe.
August 31st, 2007 at 12:46 am - IP Man-Hash: 567e353ca0e7b
Stupid whores should be automatically expelled and blacklisted from any high school, university, and corporate position. It kind of pisses me off knowing that I have to actually work my way to the top, but sluts like this bitch can just lay catatonic and the tools dare to fill their part of the deal. They can get my position, which may take me 5 years of work and experience, in 5 minutes.
Fortunately, one way or another, the vacancy and shallowness of their lives will engulf the whores.
August 31st, 2007 at 12:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 567e353ca0e7b
She can’t hold her own microphone because she’d try to suck it off. I mean, it does kinda sorta have to be in, right? Uh, right?
Stupid whore. Asian and African countries treat their women right - you don’t see any of that shit there. When a gurl’s head gets stuck too far up her ass, she gets shoved down the stairs. Let the perpetual numbness in her lower extremities aid in that arduous process of learning one’s god-gifted place.
August 31st, 2007 at 12:55 am - IP Man-Hash: 05f34db82d363
What did she get honours in? With some of the crazy qualifications floating about I’m sure oral sex must be covered!
August 31st, 2007 at 2:26 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Stage fright lost her what little mind she had.
- Chris Brown & Kate Fenner - Resist War
- http://www.resistwar.com
August 31st, 2007 at 4:50 am - IP Man-Hash: 9342b2aa308e5
Now, now folks, let’s be fair.
She’s as much a victim of feminists as everyone else. It behoves us to remember that, at feminist insistance, school curricula have been dumbed down to make girls look smarter and to bore the shit out of the smarter boys. Unfortunately it seems they forgot that the results of their work would eventually be on display.
August 31st, 2007 at 5:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Maybe 1 out of 5 didn’t know they were gawking at a map of Europe.
- Chris Brown & Kate Fenner - Resist War
- http://www.resistwar.com
August 31st, 2007 at 6:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 8aab42ab48964
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think that was a youtube parody. How did someone that stupid get as far as she did? You know, before they do that big pageant, those girls do all kinds of small pageants. They have coaches - professionals they hire - to make sure they don’t look like idiots. And despite all of that, she still took 3rd!
I didn’t notice her shoulders. I kept watching her eyes, waiting for her to blink.
Oh well, she’d better enjoy it now. Beauty fades. Stupid is forever.
August 31st, 2007 at 6:50 am - IP Man-Hash: 1ab60015f6eb6
The same way all high level “career women” or “accomplished women students” get their degrees…. blowjobs, whoring themselves out etc. She is the quitessential feminist byproduct. Lmao…
August 31st, 2007 at 7:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 0aa5087643b48
She must major in womens studies.
And I heard about her going on the news in the next day or so to answer the same question. So, she had like 36 hours to study for the retest and she does an average job, and they’re like “Wow, I guess she really is smart.” And then the super test question they gave her was “What causes a lunar eclipse?” oh yeah, that’s a tricky one.
August 31st, 2007 at 7:35 am - IP Man-Hash: a2b828af8d625
I’d slip her the sausage. :-)
But seriously, what a dork! That’s what we need to represent us as a nation. It’s really not her fault though. She was probably pampered all her life and all the powers that be overlooked one small little detail-her education.
I can’t imagine that they never practiced questions and answers and how to think on your feet and come off at least sounding somewhat inteligent.
You’ve seen my posts, I talk trash but it’s mostly for fun. In the business world, I couldn’t imagine a board meeting with the ceo trying to explain the companies financial state in the same manner that Lauren did.
“Er” uh, we had money in the bank and um, now like it’s gone but, I mean like you know, that’s how business works”
This psychobable is why other countries laugh at our edcational systems.
I believe that she was probably more worried about if her zit cream was hiding her acne then how she came off to the public. She was probably thinking how cute the camaraman was and not paying attention to the matter at hand.
Don’t even get me started on “Hebonics”
-Banzai
August 31st, 2007 at 8:02 am - IP Man-Hash: 0ae78ff887b68
To be fair, she did answer the question quite well. 1 out of 5 Americans can’t point to the US on a map because they’re just plain stupid.
August 31st, 2007 at 8:16 am - IP Man-Hash: 9b7a2b3eaa486
It is a beauty padgent.. not a Nobel prize award ceremony.. but fuck me sideways with a rusty chainsaw.. this blond enforces the “dumb blond” stereotype.
August 31st, 2007 at 9:00 am - IP Man-Hash: 2587a5110b1e2
and does an EXCELLENT JOB representing her gender. lmao.
August 31st, 2007 at 10:47 am - IP Man-Hash: 9b7a2b3eaa486
Princess syndrome at it’s finest.
August 31st, 2007 at 2:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: f87baf5e4f388
Mantacular article.
-Sgt. Reyes
August 31st, 2007 at 7:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: a2b828af8d625
I agree, or maybe they were looking at the map upside down.
I like to give the benefit of doubt.
OR, maybe she’s so clever that some rich 80 year old oil tycoon will feel sorry enough for her to marry her, croak off a year later and leave her 80 million dollars-deja vu.
Banzai
August 31st, 2007 at 8:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 567e353ca0e7b
Well she isn’t fixing any of those stereotypes about teenage girls being stupid little whores.
I do hate it when real-world evidence backs the extreme, MUSLIM ideology that girls need to, uh, I believe, feel backhand of equal treatment, uh, every once and a while.
PS
I wonder if the number of dicks that have penetrated her at the same, uh, time has any relationship to her profound intellect. Uh, South Africa, uh, for our children.
August 31st, 2007 at 9:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: a8014d2ff3afb
She was probably fucked all around the world in uh south africa in uh Iraq.
September 1st, 2007 at 8:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4a124706bb598
Shiny, but not too bright.
September 1st, 2007 at 8:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4a124706bb598
Wow. I didn’t know 1 in 5 Americans can’t find the U.S. on a map. It would’ve been great if they had asked her to locate the U.S. and she couldn’t.
September 1st, 2007 at 8:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4a124706bb598
Manpoints to the max.
September 2nd, 2007 at 4:51 am - IP Man-Hash: e15ec06c93df1
Nice suggestion.
September 2nd, 2007 at 3:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: e5765c6a6556f
Actually, I would think one out of every two Americans can’t point to America on a map.
September 3rd, 2007 at 4:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 206ad98341577
That accounts for half the population! Wait, half the population in America are women. That explains it. Lmao
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 567e353ca0e7b
Did we mention she’s an honor student?
Let’s hear it for the proud genius-sluts of the anti-male education system! Look at them. It’s positive sexism at its best. Oh, wait, they’re still idiots who are entitled by their gender to get positions. I don’t care whether the head engineer of a nuclear power station has tits or not, I don’t want to place such a construct in the hands of an imbecile. I’m sorry, wearing a skirt and glasses does not negate the fact that you fucked your way to the top.
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:33 am - IP Man-Hash: 567e353ca0e7b
When you look at what feminism has done to the justice and education system, it’s really no wonder we find some more extreme views here. I don’t care about all that ‘woman scorned’ BS, having half your possessions or your inheritance taken from you by a gurl who happens to be in the right place at the right time is a little bit frustrating. Couple that with the fact that it is now ‘empowering’ to use your gender to steal a lucrative job from an industrious male, and you have a lot of hate going around. Now it could just be the brutish male hormones, or it could be the fact that people don’t like it when they’re treated as inferiors because they don’t have tits.
That ‘I, like, have a vagina, so like I win at life’ bullshit got very old very fast. If God kept a record of a prudes accomplishments, one of the lucky ones, what would it say? ‘Won a seat at an oil-barons table because she fucks his best friend?’ Oh, and also sued said corporation a week later for, like, treating me like a piece of meat, proceeded to blow the settlement on five McMansion vacation homes, went broke, sued them again for ’sustained emotional trauma…’
I’m sure God will congratulate them on having a vagina.
September 3rd, 2007 at 8:15 am - IP Man-Hash: 0364a2b269277
Much agreed Doubt. Women…better students? HAH!
September 3rd, 2007 at 2:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: 859d74eba860b
As one of the rare women in existence with a brain, I have to agree. The whole premise behind pageants is retarded. So you look hotter than the other girls. Can you change a flat tire? Solve a basic algebra problem? Talk about something deeper than your fugly designer purses? Of course not.
Hell, I was in a Little Miss pageant when I was 7 years old, mainly because parents think it’s “cute” to dress up little girls like dolls and parade them around in itchy petticoats. One of the prizes was Best Eyes. The girl who won it was extremely cross-eyed. So pageants fail at the one thing they’re supposed to accomplish: picking the prettiest girl.
Getting third place isn’t nearly as humiliating as admitting that you voluntarily entered into a fucking beauty pageant in the first place.
September 3rd, 2007 at 3:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: e15ec06c93df1
Why do I have this funny feeling that they don’t call you ‘The Mole’ because you’re a spy, but rather because … damn, this is too easy.
September 3rd, 2007 at 6:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 57795aac4e67d
Here’s a concept for you from the Manbook of reality…Men AREN’T interested in “brainy” women.
They are even LESS interested in women that say things like “Getting third place isn’t nearly as humiliating as admitting that you voluntarily entered into a….beauty pageant in the first place”. That’s a RedFlag warning of an attitude which is HUGELY out of adjustment. Commonly, this problem occurs in “strong independent woman” types.
While you may indeed be “one of the rare women in existence with a brain” and believe this is an asset to you, it’s like saying to a Man “lets go shopping”…he’s just NOT really interested, honey. Capiche?
The only “strong and independent” features a Man wants a woman to have, are her strongly toned ass and independently firm braless breasts.
September 3rd, 2007 at 10:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 82017df8ad3f0
LMAO, well said Mans Man. Men dont really want brainy women, why the fuck we need you when there are TONS of brainy men whom we interact with every.single.day? What we want is good sex and WOMEN who LIKE BEING women aka not feminist. This might mean you have to lose your ego and play second fiddle with to the man but it assures you that you will get laid and enjoy a happy marriage unlike a majority of the other women like female etc who screw their lives up ending up unhappy, divorced and fat at 40s-50s.
September 4th, 2007 at 5:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 7ea5e9b6249d3
“The only “strong and independent” features a Man wants a woman to have, are her strongly toned ass and independently firm braless breasts.”
Which is how Miss Carolina is built no doubt, in which case, she is therefore, EXACTLY what you want … (and most likely deserve..)
Your manboobie whinging masks the fact that hmmm.. someone with an ass and breasts like that wouldnt look twice at you. Now theres a real concept ;)
September 4th, 2007 at 1:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: abae027305264
The second thing I do when I walk into a bar is decide who is worthy of me fucking. This first is of course getting a beer. This is because I am a man.
Too bad this Miss Teen USA contestant is too young to walk into a bar. Because even though she does not deserve me sticking my dick in her, she did win the coveted MenAreBetterThanWomen.com Honorary Man of the Month Award. How the fuck else could I congratulate her?
September 4th, 2007 at 9:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8cb14147b31a0
I paise this girl, her speech was as damaging to the “fempowerment” movement, as running over Jodie Foster would be. Good work Ms. South Carolina, not only did you quite efficiently defecated on your gender, but reassured Men everywhere that inspite of all the “uplifting” images of women changing the world, there is still hope. Someday you will return to our kitchens and get the hell out of our factories and off of our construction sites. A tantilizing glance at the reclaimation, I’ll pull your voting rights yet.
September 5th, 2007 at 9:55 am - IP Man-Hash: 663610db843b1
…
…is all I have to say. I say we turn her into a food group. Call it “Soylent Dumb”.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:47 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Savant that brought tears to my eyes. Thanks.
-wolfe
September 5th, 2007 at 12:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b7a2b3eaa486
Why do they even let these contestants talk?
It’s whomever won the physical genetics jackpot wins.
Not whomever can answer a stupid question contest.
At least do the questions during the bathing suit part.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Jolly good one!
- Booka Shade - Karma Car
September 5th, 2007 at 5:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Yeah, so we can be so distracted that we won’t hear her sounds of dumbness.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b7a2b3eaa486
Plus more chance for a “wardrobe malfunction”
September 6th, 2007 at 12:12 am - IP Man-Hash: 540f95f4d5a0c
To sum it up, let’s all simply congratulate the pageant organizers for finding an accurate rep of their gender.
(Wonder how many pairs of shoes this idiot already owns - which of course are going into next year’s rummage sale).
Benignbullet
September 6th, 2007 at 7:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 5556903c41ed8
If it gets you wet thinking that, go ahead honey. Your ignorance and attempted shaming amuses me, but it seems you missed the subtle point. You really need to get with the program on this one.
Having checked out Miss South Carolina, I’m pleased to inform you that
she’s not really my type, so you needn’t worry if she likes me. What’s more interesting though, is your hypocrisy in stereotyping her for her looks…the first thing you seized upon in exploiting her as a shaming “weapon” against me.
Ad-hominems don’t count here, but in this case it made me laugh a lot because your delusions were so way off the mark.
I’m sure Miss South Carolina would be ashamed of you for what you have done.
September 6th, 2007 at 8:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 5556903c41ed8
Your attempted shaming language amuses me, but you’ll be pleased to know Miss South Carolina is not my type.
It’s interesting however, that you hypocritically stereotyped her looks as a shaming “weapon” because it suited you at the time. I’m sure Miss South Carolina would be disappointed that you exploited her so tactlessly.
Whilst your ad-hominem would normally be something to ignore as valueless, it did make me laugh a lot in this case because it was so far off the mark. Thanks for that, at least.
In future, it might be an idea if you actually had a point before posting, however. It’s so much more interesting that way, and lessens the likelihood of mindless horseshit being all you have to contribute.
September 6th, 2007 at 9:28 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
YAY! for wardrobe malfunctions!
September 6th, 2007 at 11:26 am - IP Man-Hash: 2c8448dad3d5f
Ah, the curse of women world-wide. No wonder they’re all miserable.
September 7th, 2007 at 2:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: c7a88a001eeed
That was just painful to listen to. And soylent dumb just entered my vocabulary. Brilliant.
September 8th, 2007 at 7:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1516cef234e01
Notice how she smiled like the typical woman after she finished opening mouth and inserting foot. Like most women they don’t realize just how stupid they sound when they were trying to say something intelligent.
September 9th, 2007 at 5:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe8db7d6546ed
Miss Teen USA is Functionally Retarded…
This story has been submitted to Stirrdup. Your support can help it become hot….
September 10th, 2007 at 12:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 2f854bed461cf
Dick, new story: The disney slut. Cant remember her name but ROTFLMAO.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9e2d78ac157dd
All females claiming rare endowments of character are first-class cunts. Intelligence no more becomes a female than mockery thereof, though the latter, as we’ve seen, at least highlights the grand farce of allowing woman to share the extra ‘sapiens’ of our species.
September 18th, 2007 at 5:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 26ddfbdc8aa94
Who are you to say that women dont know “shit about shit”?
You must be a lonely man. I feel sorry for any woman in your presence.
September 18th, 2007 at 5:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
You wouldn’t if you knew how good I am in bed.
-Dick
September 18th, 2007 at 6:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 642da97c46c07
lol…Niiiice Dick
September 18th, 2007 at 8:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a92dfc64c89a
It is just so typical of the mindless, unarticulate, dribble coming from the mouths of these empty headed bimbos. They’re merely just eye candy for those who find them desirable to look at, otherwise they have no redeeming value at all. They’re nothing but inept, stupid imbecilic, slut bitches!!!
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544
er…milf is a girl? thats disturbing…milf stands for mother id love to fuck…
was she trying to pretend? :/ if so her choice in a name still disturbs me
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544
Holy Shit…I just watched the video of South Carolina…not only is she ugly but she is dumb…scarily so…. O.o
September 27th, 2007 at 9:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 94d1cf4d5638d
women are the ultimate plug and play device, trouble is that they need constant rebooting, expensive updates and are incompatible with all your other devices. God help you if you try to add extra memory ports too…
October 15th, 2007 at 6:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: bb7f8ddf38a5a
it’s terrible that as a teenage female I have that kind of feeble minded skank “representing” me.
we’re not all that stupid.
October 15th, 2007 at 8:46 pm - IP Man-Hash: 999461e62bd0b
I don’t believe all of you are, however this is what you are represented by, and what many women emulate.
-Strength and Honor-
December 17th, 2007 at 2:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1ace054919063
Oh, those silly, silly U.S Americans.
December 19th, 2007 at 12:26 am - IP Man-Hash: 982c7f40b2b82
At a recent Miss Teen USA pageant, Lauren Caitlin Upton was asked why 20% of Americans can’t identify the US on a map.
The only correct answer, as any man would know is NOT that 80% of respondants were male. It’s a good guess though.
The correct answer is obviously 20% of the survey GIVERS were woman who could not comprehend that people do not answer obvious questions honestly.
December 21st, 2007 at 7:38 am - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
That was very funny, especially Asian countries, Japan is so much smarter then us! They go to school six days a week and take a test in order to go to high school, and if they don’t pass their family is shamed!
But, as to Tyrannical’s post, the percential of 80% is mixed gender.
I did find her speech hilarious though, but that is just human nature, we love to laugh at others expense.
December 21st, 2007 at 8:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 6d3bb32787b07
Like how I am laughing at your expense, moron.
December 21st, 2007 at 8:52 am - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
Exactly how my point with Zardoz is proven.
Why bother responding?
Do you think that phases me? I don’t care what you think of me so why bother spending time typing it.
December 21st, 2007 at 12:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
Eh? I must have missed something here.. Or does my name just get randomly tossed in every so often?
December 21st, 2007 at 12:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: e24370fe2bb3c
In the part where I said that mainly all I get in response is insults.
If you see, all MansVoice called me a moron, I can now add that to the list.
December 21st, 2007 at 12:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 44e6eae08303f