Miss Teen USA is Functionally Retarded
At a dog show, even third place is still a good specimen of dog. It might not be the best, but it’s a damn good dog. No one’s showing up at the Westminster Kennel Club with a dead monkey on a leash.
Third place at the Miss Teen USA pageant, however, is a mildly-functioning, retarded jackass.
I don’t know whether to criticize the Miss Teen USA pageant for this, or congratulate them on finding such an accurate ambassador for the female gender.
Just kidding. I would never criticize a Miss Anything pageant. They get enough shit from fat broads and Dove soap as it is.
At a recent Miss Teen USA pageant, Lauren Caitlin Upton was asked why 20% of Americans can’t identify the US on a map. This was her answer.
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.
For this Gordian Tongue-Twister, and for her pudgy shoulders, Miss Upton was awarded third-place.
The Miss Teen USA pageant exists to exemplify the most desired traits of teen-woman kind. I’ve mentioned elsewhere that women have shitty role models. If my daughter grew up to be Gloria Steinham, I would put the rest of my kids in pinata and mail them to an orphanage in Afghanistan. That said, this is not another case of Lindsey Lohan needs a slap, or a Tara Reid needs some underpants. This is a case of injustice.
I could not think of a more perfect role-model for young women than Miss Lauren Caitlin Upton. That’s why I’m awarding her the coveted MenAreBetterThanWomen.com Honorary Man of the Month Award. You may not be the hottest teen in America, Lauren, but you don’t have anything to worry about because failure is carb-free.
Women don’t know shit about shit. And more importantly, they don’t know they don’t know shit about shit. Fuck third place. Lauren should have been crowned with a $500 handbag for that impressive and clueless fuck-up. It took her an entire day to even realize how stupid it sounded. Now that’s womanly! Third place is for the woman who looks the male judges in the eye while she’s answering.
If I have a balloon animal making contest, and some clown drives a tank onto the stage, he’ll be disqualified. A tank is awesome, but it’s not a balloon animal. A woman might be able to regurgitate The Prince when asked how the U.S. should conduct it’s foreign policy. It’s a good answer, but it’s not womanly.
Lauren deserved first place. Unless there was a contestant who got lost on the way to the pageant and couldn’t call for directions because her cell phone bill ran out of decimal places, this was robbery.
Also, if that statistic is true, I’m betting 100% of that 20% are women.
Call me when you wear off those chicken wings, sweetheart.
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September 5th, 2007 at 12:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b7a2b3eaa486
Why do they even let these contestants talk?
It’s whomever won the physical genetics jackpot wins.
Not whomever can answer a stupid question contest.
At least do the questions during the bathing suit part.
September 5th, 2007 at 3:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Jolly good one!
- Booka Shade - Karma Car
September 5th, 2007 at 5:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Yeah, so we can be so distracted that we won’t hear her sounds of dumbness.
September 5th, 2007 at 5:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b7a2b3eaa486
Plus more chance for a “wardrobe malfunction”
September 6th, 2007 at 12:12 am - IP Man-Hash: 540f95f4d5a0c
To sum it up, let’s all simply congratulate the pageant organizers for finding an accurate rep of their gender.
(Wonder how many pairs of shoes this idiot already owns - which of course are going into next year’s rummage sale).
Benignbullet
September 6th, 2007 at 7:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 5556903c41ed8
If it gets you wet thinking that, go ahead honey. Your ignorance and attempted shaming amuses me, but it seems you missed the subtle point. You really need to get with the program on this one.
Having checked out Miss South Carolina, I’m pleased to inform you that
she’s not really my type, so you needn’t worry if she likes me. What’s more interesting though, is your hypocrisy in stereotyping her for her looks…the first thing you seized upon in exploiting her as a shaming “weapon” against me.
Ad-hominems don’t count here, but in this case it made me laugh a lot because your delusions were so way off the mark.
I’m sure Miss South Carolina would be ashamed of you for what you have done.
September 6th, 2007 at 8:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 5556903c41ed8
Your attempted shaming language amuses me, but you’ll be pleased to know Miss South Carolina is not my type.
It’s interesting however, that you hypocritically stereotyped her looks as a shaming “weapon” because it suited you at the time. I’m sure Miss South Carolina would be disappointed that you exploited her so tactlessly.
Whilst your ad-hominem would normally be something to ignore as valueless, it did make me laugh a lot in this case because it was so far off the mark. Thanks for that, at least.
In future, it might be an idea if you actually had a point before posting, however. It’s so much more interesting that way, and lessens the likelihood of mindless horseshit being all you have to contribute.
September 6th, 2007 at 9:28 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
YAY! for wardrobe malfunctions!
September 6th, 2007 at 11:26 am - IP Man-Hash: 2c8448dad3d5f
Ah, the curse of women world-wide. No wonder they’re all miserable.
September 7th, 2007 at 2:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: c7a88a001eeed
That was just painful to listen to. And soylent dumb just entered my vocabulary. Brilliant.
September 8th, 2007 at 7:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1516cef234e01
Notice how she smiled like the typical woman after she finished opening mouth and inserting foot. Like most women they don’t realize just how stupid they sound when they were trying to say something intelligent.
September 9th, 2007 at 5:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe8db7d6546ed
Miss Teen USA is Functionally Retarded…
This story has been submitted to Stirrdup. Your support can help it become hot….
September 10th, 2007 at 12:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 2f854bed461cf
Dick, new story: The disney slut. Cant remember her name but ROTFLMAO.
September 17th, 2007 at 6:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9e2d78ac157dd
All females claiming rare endowments of character are first-class cunts. Intelligence no more becomes a female than mockery thereof, though the latter, as we’ve seen, at least highlights the grand farce of allowing woman to share the extra ‘sapiens’ of our species.
September 18th, 2007 at 5:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 26ddfbdc8aa94
Who are you to say that women dont know “shit about shit”?
You must be a lonely man. I feel sorry for any woman in your presence.
September 18th, 2007 at 5:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
You wouldn’t if you knew how good I am in bed.
-Dick
September 18th, 2007 at 6:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 642da97c46c07
lol…Niiiice Dick
September 18th, 2007 at 8:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a92dfc64c89a
It is just so typical of the mindless, unarticulate, dribble coming from the mouths of these empty headed bimbos. They’re merely just eye candy for those who find them desirable to look at, otherwise they have no redeeming value at all. They’re nothing but inept, stupid imbecilic, slut bitches!!!
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544
er…milf is a girl? thats disturbing…milf stands for mother id love to fuck…
was she trying to pretend? :/ if so her choice in a name still disturbs me
September 22nd, 2007 at 11:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544
Holy Shit…I just watched the video of South Carolina…not only is she ugly but she is dumb…scarily so…. O.o