Miss Teen USA is Functionally Retarded
At a dog show, even third place is still a good specimen of dog. It might not be the best, but it’s a damn good dog. No one’s showing up at the Westminster Kennel Club with a dead monkey on a leash.
Third place at the Miss Teen USA pageant, however, is a mildly-functioning, retarded jackass.
I don’t know whether to criticize the Miss Teen USA pageant for this, or congratulate them on finding such an accurate ambassador for the female gender.
Just kidding. I would never criticize a Miss Anything pageant. They get enough shit from fat broads and Dove soap as it is.
At a recent Miss Teen USA pageant, Lauren Caitlin Upton was asked why 20% of Americans can’t identify the US on a map. This was her answer.
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps, and, uh, I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children.
For this Gordian Tongue-Twister, and for her pudgy shoulders, Miss Upton was awarded third-place.
The Miss Teen USA pageant exists to exemplify the most desired traits of teen-woman kind. I’ve mentioned elsewhere that women have shitty role models. If my daughter grew up to be Gloria Steinham, I would put the rest of my kids in pinata and mail them to an orphanage in Afghanistan. That said, this is not another case of Lindsey Lohan needs a slap, or a Tara Reid needs some underpants. This is a case of injustice.
I could not think of a more perfect role-model for young women than Miss Lauren Caitlin Upton. That’s why I’m awarding her the coveted MenAreBetterThanWomen.com Honorary Man of the Month Award. You may not be the hottest teen in America, Lauren, but you don’t have anything to worry about because failure is carb-free.
Women don’t know shit about shit. And more importantly, they don’t know they don’t know shit about shit. Fuck third place. Lauren should have been crowned with a $500 handbag for that impressive and clueless fuck-up. It took her an entire day to even realize how stupid it sounded. Now that’s womanly! Third place is for the woman who looks the male judges in the eye while she’s answering.
If I have a balloon animal making contest, and some clown drives a tank onto the stage, he’ll be disqualified. A tank is awesome, but it’s not a balloon animal. A woman might be able to regurgitate The Prince when asked how the U.S. should conduct it’s foreign policy. It’s a good answer, but it’s not womanly.
Lauren deserved first place. Unless there was a contestant who got lost on the way to the pageant and couldn’t call for directions because her cell phone bill ran out of decimal places, this was robbery.
Also, if that statistic is true, I’m betting 100% of that 20% are women.
Call me when you wear off those chicken wings, sweetheart.
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August 31st, 2007 at 8:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 567e353ca0e7b
Well she isn’t fixing any of those stereotypes about teenage girls being stupid little whores.
I do hate it when real-world evidence backs the extreme, MUSLIM ideology that girls need to, uh, I believe, feel backhand of equal treatment, uh, every once and a while.
PS
I wonder if the number of dicks that have penetrated her at the same, uh, time has any relationship to her profound intellect. Uh, South Africa, uh, for our children.
August 31st, 2007 at 9:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: a8014d2ff3afb
She was probably fucked all around the world in uh south africa in uh Iraq.
September 1st, 2007 at 8:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4a124706bb598
Shiny, but not too bright.
September 1st, 2007 at 8:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4a124706bb598
Wow. I didn’t know 1 in 5 Americans can’t find the U.S. on a map. It would’ve been great if they had asked her to locate the U.S. and she couldn’t.
September 1st, 2007 at 8:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4a124706bb598
Manpoints to the max.
September 2nd, 2007 at 4:51 am - IP Man-Hash: e15ec06c93df1
Nice suggestion.
September 2nd, 2007 at 3:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: e5765c6a6556f
Actually, I would think one out of every two Americans can’t point to America on a map.
September 3rd, 2007 at 4:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 206ad98341577
That accounts for half the population! Wait, half the population in America are women. That explains it. Lmao
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 567e353ca0e7b
Did we mention she’s an honor student?
Let’s hear it for the proud genius-sluts of the anti-male education system! Look at them. It’s positive sexism at its best. Oh, wait, they’re still idiots who are entitled by their gender to get positions. I don’t care whether the head engineer of a nuclear power station has tits or not, I don’t want to place such a construct in the hands of an imbecile. I’m sorry, wearing a skirt and glasses does not negate the fact that you fucked your way to the top.
September 3rd, 2007 at 7:33 am - IP Man-Hash: 567e353ca0e7b
When you look at what feminism has done to the justice and education system, it’s really no wonder we find some more extreme views here. I don’t care about all that ‘woman scorned’ BS, having half your possessions or your inheritance taken from you by a gurl who happens to be in the right place at the right time is a little bit frustrating. Couple that with the fact that it is now ‘empowering’ to use your gender to steal a lucrative job from an industrious male, and you have a lot of hate going around. Now it could just be the brutish male hormones, or it could be the fact that people don’t like it when they’re treated as inferiors because they don’t have tits.
That ‘I, like, have a vagina, so like I win at life’ bullshit got very old very fast. If God kept a record of a prudes accomplishments, one of the lucky ones, what would it say? ‘Won a seat at an oil-barons table because she fucks his best friend?’ Oh, and also sued said corporation a week later for, like, treating me like a piece of meat, proceeded to blow the settlement on five McMansion vacation homes, went broke, sued them again for ’sustained emotional trauma…’
I’m sure God will congratulate them on having a vagina.
September 3rd, 2007 at 8:15 am - IP Man-Hash: 0364a2b269277
Much agreed Doubt. Women…better students? HAH!
September 3rd, 2007 at 2:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: 859d74eba860b
As one of the rare women in existence with a brain, I have to agree. The whole premise behind pageants is retarded. So you look hotter than the other girls. Can you change a flat tire? Solve a basic algebra problem? Talk about something deeper than your fugly designer purses? Of course not.
Hell, I was in a Little Miss pageant when I was 7 years old, mainly because parents think it’s “cute” to dress up little girls like dolls and parade them around in itchy petticoats. One of the prizes was Best Eyes. The girl who won it was extremely cross-eyed. So pageants fail at the one thing they’re supposed to accomplish: picking the prettiest girl.
Getting third place isn’t nearly as humiliating as admitting that you voluntarily entered into a fucking beauty pageant in the first place.
September 3rd, 2007 at 3:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: e15ec06c93df1
Why do I have this funny feeling that they don’t call you ‘The Mole’ because you’re a spy, but rather because … damn, this is too easy.
September 3rd, 2007 at 6:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 57795aac4e67d
Here’s a concept for you from the Manbook of reality…Men AREN’T interested in “brainy” women.
They are even LESS interested in women that say things like “Getting third place isn’t nearly as humiliating as admitting that you voluntarily entered into a….beauty pageant in the first place”. That’s a RedFlag warning of an attitude which is HUGELY out of adjustment. Commonly, this problem occurs in “strong independent woman” types.
While you may indeed be “one of the rare women in existence with a brain” and believe this is an asset to you, it’s like saying to a Man “lets go shopping”…he’s just NOT really interested, honey. Capiche?
The only “strong and independent” features a Man wants a woman to have, are her strongly toned ass and independently firm braless breasts.
September 3rd, 2007 at 10:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 82017df8ad3f0
LMAO, well said Mans Man. Men dont really want brainy women, why the fuck we need you when there are TONS of brainy men whom we interact with every.single.day? What we want is good sex and WOMEN who LIKE BEING women aka not feminist. This might mean you have to lose your ego and play second fiddle with to the man but it assures you that you will get laid and enjoy a happy marriage unlike a majority of the other women like female etc who screw their lives up ending up unhappy, divorced and fat at 40s-50s.
September 4th, 2007 at 5:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 7ea5e9b6249d3
“The only “strong and independent” features a Man wants a woman to have, are her strongly toned ass and independently firm braless breasts.”
Which is how Miss Carolina is built no doubt, in which case, she is therefore, EXACTLY what you want … (and most likely deserve..)
Your manboobie whinging masks the fact that hmmm.. someone with an ass and breasts like that wouldnt look twice at you. Now theres a real concept ;)
September 4th, 2007 at 1:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: abae027305264
The second thing I do when I walk into a bar is decide who is worthy of me fucking. This first is of course getting a beer. This is because I am a man.
Too bad this Miss Teen USA contestant is too young to walk into a bar. Because even though she does not deserve me sticking my dick in her, she did win the coveted MenAreBetterThanWomen.com Honorary Man of the Month Award. How the fuck else could I congratulate her?
September 4th, 2007 at 9:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8cb14147b31a0
I paise this girl, her speech was as damaging to the “fempowerment” movement, as running over Jodie Foster would be. Good work Ms. South Carolina, not only did you quite efficiently defecated on your gender, but reassured Men everywhere that inspite of all the “uplifting” images of women changing the world, there is still hope. Someday you will return to our kitchens and get the hell out of our factories and off of our construction sites. A tantilizing glance at the reclaimation, I’ll pull your voting rights yet.
September 5th, 2007 at 9:55 am - IP Man-Hash: 663610db843b1
…
…is all I have to say. I say we turn her into a food group. Call it “Soylent Dumb”.
September 5th, 2007 at 11:47 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Savant that brought tears to my eyes. Thanks.
-wolfe