Women Hate America.
If you’ve been watching the Dr. Phil “House of Judgment”, you may have noticed that the first problem Dr. Phil has with my views is that I have a book to sell. Well it’s true, fellows and gentlemen, I am a filthy capitalist. I am a low-down, dirty capitalist who is out to make money by providing you with something that is both manlightening and hilarious for a nominal cost.
And unlike women in the army, this is comedy you can choose whether or not you want to pay for.
How dare I.
I would also like to note that my book is worth its weight in gold. It will teach you how to shut women the fuck up. Silence is golden.
Let’s talk about capitalism. You may already be familiar with it as the thing that brought you everything you know. Imagine Santa Claus with a school bus full of girls gone wild on his back, a Super Soaker full of gin in his hand, and a Viagra-induced boner that could win a home-run derby in the other. That’s capitalism.
Women hate capitalism.
Men love capitalism. We spend money on things we love, and when we’re out of money, we go get jobs we love to make more money to buy more awesome things. To men, capitalism is like jerking ourselves off twice at the same time. It’s a religious experience.
Women buy things they think they need, but don’t. And when they’re out of money, they have to do something they hate to get more of it: fuck. That’s why women hate capitalism. All roads lead to Rome; and all purchases lead to a woman getting on her back.
It was no surprise to me that on a show geared toward women, the biggest alleged “flaw” in my views was that people are willing to pay to hear them. That’s like calling Penicillin a “quack remedy” because it doesn’t grow on the sides of rocks. Just because it’s got a price tag, doesn’t mean it won’t cure your syphilis.
Manpitalism
Women hate success through hard work. They hate rewards for good behavior because it means none of them will ever get anything for free again. And they hate heaps of money falling on men with bright ideas because it means they have to recognize a bright idea in the first place in order to fuck themselves a place in line.
According to women, anyone who lifts a finger to help themselves should get a kick in the teeth and a placard that says, “Congratulations! You just adopted a thousand starving kids somewhere feminism doesn’t give a fuck about — or is there some other reason feminism launches bullshit ad campaigns promoting girls in science when little girls halfway around the world don’t have enough water to live?”
Maybe feminism just doesn’t care about black people.
Opportunity Cost
The more money you spend on the things you like, the less opportunity you have to give your money to women.
Economics — and capitalism — is founded on opportunity cost. I know there are a lot of young men reading this, so I’m going to give you a one sentence primer on money management that could very well save your life.
Everything costs something.
That smart girl with the big jugs in your chemistry class? She costs something. In fact, she costs about one zero more than the flatter girl on her right. Who gives a fuck how smart either of them are? That’s called an opportunity cost.
Women never have to sacrifice anything to get what they want. They just change what they want. If a woman is fat, she wraps velor around her love handles and marries poor. If she’s obnoxious, she becomes a lesbian or gets really into wine. Either way, women work in reverse. They don’t run the race, they just draw the finish line wherever God dropped them.
Take a reasonably hot woman to a bar and see how long she’ll go thirsty because a guy won’t buy her a drink. Fuck, light her on fire. She’ll burn to death before dropping six bucks on a glass of Chardonnay. Women consider any market driven exchange to be unsavory and beneath them.
Capitalism is why women hate strippers.
Lawn Darts
Women are like lawn darts. All the good ones were made in the 50’s.
To a woman, accepting capitalism means accepting that her self-worth as a whore follows the trajectory of a lawn dart. It starts in your hand, high in worth and full of potential. Then you chuck it in the air. Halfway through, everything becomes dizzy and confusing. Panic follows, and as the dart comes hurtling downward, responsibly is abandoned in the name of self-ass-preservation. Who knows where this thing is going to end up, but one thing is certain, someone is going to have to pay when it goes through the hood of your neighbor’s car. That someone will probably be you.
That’s called divorce.
No matter who they are or what they do, women always have the opportunity to whip out their vagina and rake in a quick Divorce Pay Day. That’s what it is to be a woman. Duplicity is your Plan B. Capitalism is a reminder of how much that Plan B is worth.
The Lottery Mentality
The reason women embrace marriage and alimony as if they were life rafts of shit, is because women live by the Lottery Mentality. No woman can achieve through brains and brawn. Those are manly things. Women need to win the lottery; a lottery like a rich internet mogul who mistook her insecurity for shyness and friendship while in college, or a TV producer who was coincidentally left by his wife the same day the lottery winning starlet landing on his casting couch.
Ka-ching!
Women cruise through life waiting for their ship to come in, and they hate anyone who doesn’t see life through the same set of opaque Chanel glasses. However, the lottery is not a form of commerce. It’s a commerce for idiots. The lottery is Sarah Jessica Parker to capitalism’s Nicolas Cage.
Women Hate America
Women hate everything that makes America great.
America was once called the “Great Melting Pot”, because a bunch of cultures from all of the place all got together and had sex with each other until awesome things like pizza and Brazilian bikinis were born. Women don’t mix well with others. They cling to their catty friends in little clumps and give all new comers the stink-eye. Little girls ostracize other little girls into committing suicide. That’s un-American.
If it were up to women, free speech would have its dick cut off and shoved into it’s ear holes. Then the playing field would be even and capitalism would die a slow, retarded death.
Money is how men keep score in the game of life. If you don’t like that, then you can take your vagina back to Venus. Money is manly as shit — literally.
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March 21st, 2008 at 10:23 am - IP Man-Hash: 4aad97af48ec6
@jaydavi-visit the “I get Dick” section. There are some women who “get it” and many, many that don’t.
March 21st, 2008 at 10:29 am - IP Man-Hash: 822c948329db7
navigate me and I’ll check it out
March 21st, 2008 at 10:30 am - IP Man-Hash: 822c948329db7
“can i be your fwiend pwease doubt????”
March 21st, 2008 at 10:34 am - IP Man-Hash: 4aad97af48ec6
I’m looking, and I cant find it. It use to be on the front somewhere…….do you still have that section anymore, Dick??
March 21st, 2008 at 10:39 am - IP Man-Hash: 60b9632657c7c
IGetDick.com
-Dick
March 21st, 2008 at 10:52 am - IP Man-Hash: 822c948329db7
awwwwwwwww isn’t that just lovely.
well, maybe lovely isn’t the right word, but relatively.
George Orwell was raised middle class, went to Eton and sincerely believed through his childhood that the working class smelt.
So what did Orwell do? He lived in a lodging house and dressed like a tramp, he “went native”.
I’m doing an Orwell.
March 21st, 2008 at 10:55 am - IP Man-Hash: 822c948329db7
a.k.a. I get Dick, but I’m slumming it.
March 21st, 2008 at 10:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 822c948329db7
no offense Dick
March 24th, 2008 at 1:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
Capitalism has directly created the women you hate. Marketing (capitalisms right arm) is mostly directed at women.
When men have an insatiable desire to get richer and richer you call it
You really believe that? That women should be property? I cant believe that you actually think that. Its quite sad and disappointing.
I think you should move to saudi arabia. Because thats the only way you’ll ever own a woman.
March 24th, 2008 at 1:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
oops.
Capitalism has directly created the women you hate. Marketing (capitalisms right arm) is mostly directed at women.
When men have an insatiable desire to get richer and richer you call it ambition.
Women do it and you call it greed…
March 24th, 2008 at 2:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
No most american men kick ass.
These guys have just been wronged by a woman so they take their anger out on all women.
Much like feminists…they are masculinists.
March 24th, 2008 at 4:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
What makes you think you know me so well? Similar taste in music?
What’s more dissapointing than I is the actions and experience that brought me to this dark crossroads: scum like you.
March 24th, 2008 at 5:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9cfdf00b83713
What makes me think i know you is your words. You have said that females deserve death, you’ve said they should be property, you’ve repeatedly talked about your ex and how she betrayed you. that cunt is not me so don’t assume i am the scum that she is.
Similar tastes in music don’t mean shit. You clearly dont understand the message of self evolution inherent in all of tools beautiful and ingenius music.
I said you were masculinist. And you are. You think men are better than women.
You are masculinist.
The end.
March 24th, 2008 at 6:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
You’re the empty skulled cluster fuck who said “I can’t believe you actually believe that” like we’re relatives or you knew me in a former life or because we like the same band.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0462d53efe801
Men just want women for sex, stimulating conversation will never change that. I predict we have 1000 years as men before we start to evolve into something that cares about anything a woman says. That will only happen if you do not see this very post. Read this post, because you are a man. Read the other crap, and you will evolve into a tampon-case. Forget about the over enthusiastic “winning female” that was raised by a single parent. Men do not care about these things. Think of beer and steak. Think of being drunk with friends in the nearest city to you, at two in the morning while hitting on chicks, and talking shit to people you don’t even know. Think of your freedom, for god’s sake man. There, you are beginning to remember what is sacred, hold on to your balls, there is trouble ahead. Please, for the love of my son’s pride.
March 31st, 2008 at 10:18 pm - IP Man-Hash: 720a12647a390
This deserves man-points..
April 4th, 2008 at 11:04 am - IP Man-Hash: fc99376a33532
Never in my life have I heard of a greater idiot than Dick Masterson. I am led to believe that his book and everything he says is only one giant ploy to make money. Hard for me to believe that such a jackass could possibly continue to exist without being assassinated by us CRAZY WOMEN. Can’t say that I would be sorry to see him go…
April 4th, 2008 at 11:42 am - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Fuck you, Olivia.
-Dick
April 4th, 2008 at 3:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Feminism is a state-sponsored terrorist organization.
April 4th, 2008 at 3:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
Olivia, you are a terrorist. You belong in a prison - let’s see how you hold up there, hardass. Dick has your IP address and, surprisingly enough, he knows enough about computers and networking to report your terrorist activities to your Internet provider.
Let me put it this way:
You’re going to be very, very, very lucky if you can never access the internet from daddy’s computer again. Needless to say, it’s probably going to be far worse than that; your father isn’t going to be the only one seeing your crocodile tears.