Nicolas Cage – Lord of Men
Have you ever had sex with a woman who loves Nicolas Cage?
No you haven’t, because no woman loves Nicolas Cage. All women hate Nicolas Cage.
Nicolas Cage is so great and he knows it — that’s why. He’s also too manly for his own good. Just like moustaches, women hate anything that’s too manly. They hate it because they can’t resist throwing themselves at it for sexual gratification like sacrificial virgins.
Nicolas Cage is so manly he changed his very own name to more accurately match the ferocity of his manosity. Nicolas Cage is the second manliest man to be. Here’s why.
Can you imagine a world without Face Off or Con Air or Gone in Sixty Seconds? Of course you can because you’re a man, but also of course you can’t for the same reason! Men don’t spend their days idly imagining horrible shit. That’s why men don’t make bad, over-protective mothers. That and because of their enormous penises.
I was watching Lord of War the other day when I arrived at a frightening conclusion. Nicolas Cage is so manly that everyone can shut the fuck up. That’s why women hate him so much. Nicolas Cage knows no mercy or compassion and it’s obvious in every fucking move that he makes. That’s why his nose looks all fucking weird like that. Like Nero or something. Because he’s like an eagle that’s ten stories tall. He’s a wrecking ball with an indestructible spike welded to the side that makes it look like a cool three dimensional representation of the biological man sign.
I now present three of the best moments in film that prove conclusively why Nicolas Cage is considered by everyone to be the manliest man in cinema and by extension the world.
3. Nicolas Cage had sex with his girlfriend in pigtails on the roof of a building during a conversation about how he’s not into settling down. Nicolas Cage doesn’t play that game. That’s the manliest thing anyone has ever done anywhere. The only way it could have been more manlier was if the conversation had ended with a slap.
2. Nicolas Cage had sex with Angelina Jolie in a car he was in the middle of stealing. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith and as a man I know who’s in charge when I see it. The fact is, besides Nicolas Cage and Jack Black in Shark’s Tale, no man has ever told Angelina Jolie where she can shove it because she definitely fucking needs to.
1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.
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i hate mustaches because they remind me of the ’70s hippie shit. Men should have beards in stead.
Chris AND MarkEMark=Mr. Empty-pants
Um, just for the record, I love Nicolas Cage. So, the OP is wrong in assuming chicks don’t like him. He’s hot. He’s awesome. He’s hotter and more awesome than you, therefore this whole thread is busted.
Cage is manly, yes it’s true…but there is one greater. Steve McQueen.
To quote him, “I live for myself and I answer to nobody.”
That’s so fucking manly!
Clint Eastwood pwns all
I like Bruce Willis and Jack Nicholson…
Nah, Statham is alright. But he´s usually Jason Statham at playing Jason Statham kicking ass.
Lord of War was one of the best flics I watched in a long time. And Cage managed to improve that flic by his sheer awesomeness.
No contest.
This article sucked. Nicolas Cage is no doubt a bad ass however theres no need for an entire article serenading him like this. For the record, Jason Statham is manlier.
Nicholas Cage is one badass motherfucker, but I think that Kurt Russell and Bruce Campbell are the manliest sons-of-bitches ever. You can’t beat Snake Plissken and Ash
“1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.”
Uhm, no.
I do it, for real, on a fairly regular basis. Not only is it my job, but on the 4th of July, I’m going to do it just for fun!
Guns are the foundation of all that is civilized and decent; because they can kill anything that isn’t.
Dude, he is an actor…. you do realize he is payed to say everything he says and do everything he does in those movies, right? Dude, thats like me saying Indiana Jones is manly because the character in the movies kicks ass with a whip and six shooter, or Neo makes another man (Agent) explode with his power in The Matrix… they’re fantasy, not reality, a bunch of director written pre-thought and scripted crap.
Umm… is that because both Nicolas and Harrison are manly?…. Damn straight you can say that about an actor, because it’s true.
Only a real man can pull it off so well? Name ONE chick who acted as anything besides ‘girl-next-door’ or ’smoking hot bitch’? there is a reason why directors trust roles which require ACTING to men because women suck at it.
While it’s true that Cage is a bad Mother Fucker, he didn’t reach that level of bad assery until he asked Sean Connery what he should do in The Rock and Sean just gave him a thumbs up. At that exact moment his nuts doubled in size and started shooting guys and stabbing himself in the heart for fun. This is because Connery truely is the Baddest Mother Fucker ever to live.
Man he rocked in Lord or War!
How long have you identified with the homosexual community? It’s okay, you aren’t alone here. Here’s a friend to cheer you up ;D
http://salmonofdoubt.110mb.com/gay.txt
I’m sure you’ll both ‘hit it off.’ Just don’t do any more of that 2g1c stuff, that’s fucking disgusting. You’re a ‘human’, not a hog ;D
What about schwarzenegger in terminator and the predator? now that is cool shit dude!!!
Con air and Face off were awesome!! gone in sixty seconds totally gay ass crap remember that shitface!!!
It’s just man-love baby. It may be hard to understand for women, but men can have great respect and admiration for other men without wanting to fuck them.
True, I am straight as they come but hey, I admire a man’s taste that he thinks I am hot.
nicholas cage is cool :/ i dont hate him…
He acts the same way in every movie, ergo, he can’t act. Except that one time in Face Off.
Typical woman, 19 words that convey next to nothing.
But he was in City of Angels, and that is possibly one of the worst movies ever. And he looked like a stupid abused dog throughout all of it.
How about when he died in leaving Las Vegas when he got his lady to have sex with him and in a true man’s way to go he was hard as a rock before he kicked it. What a way to go!! I know if I get screwed by too many more of these snake bitches that’s how I’m going to go. with a bottle and a whore
Nicolas Cage was awesome in Snake Eyes too.
“YES. i think we’re all sick of it..
i bet it was probably the trimspa..”
No one dies from caffeine.
Trimspa isn’t some magic dangerous drug, it’s just caffeine trash like all other “diet pills”.
The fat cows who look up to whore Anna Nicole would do themselves better with Flax pills and exercise.
You sound like a frigging girl!
How about you send Nic a picture of your spread eagle, and spare the rest of us the burden of listening to your drivel.
Best regards,
S.R.
Respectfully, Necro, and I know you meant well, that’s crap. I think SonyAD’s arguments are mostly garbage, but it’s not about his name. He’s a respected member of this site, even if I think he’s a bit of a twit.
He’s a man, hammer him for the rubbish he says.
-wolfe
YES. i think we’re all sick of it..
i bet it was probably the trimspa..
Hey I know why people think Sonyad is a woman (no offence) but its because SONYAd sounds femenine when he probably meant SonyAd or SONYAD.
Just a grammar nazi guy ^.^
I’m fucking tired of media darling/whore Anna Nicole Smith’s death being treated like the death of a saint. This proves how fucked the media is.
The cunt was a gold digging whore and a single mother failure who’s son was on so much drugs he died young. If there’s a rightous vengeful creator being her death makes me believe in Him.
It’s made in Hollywood. 95% of it’s trash?
Fair enough.
-Strength and Honor-
Ghostrider will suck.
Take nothing of it.
- Wamdue Project – King Of My Castle
wolfe – Thanks for the plug.
sonyad – Thanks for the plug. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)
Dubitable. But, hey, you take all you can get, how you can get it.
I ain’t that prudish.
- Fear Factory – Invisible Wounds
Outstanding story, Diesel.
I especially liked
Perhaps it’s the positions you take.
Best,
-wolfe
Is there any movie role manlier than being cast a skipper on an Akula class nuclear submarine, largest vessel of its kind in history with a displacement of 48,000t?
If only submarines were not a branch of the navy entirely bereft of honour or pride.
Plus, the movie is based on a Tom Clancy novel.
Somehow, I fail to see how mister shaken, not stirred holds a candle to that. Sorry, I just can’t.
But still. To each his own.
No. Max it stands. As in Mad Max.
Ok, but you gotta keep the name “Skoal.” Cuz it’s cool.
sony you clearly do “get it”.
This is the thing feminists do not and cannot comprehend. Maybe feminists and/or women simply have no empathy for men or, worse, refuse to have.
Nevertheless to believe that the people who create civilisation aren’t also likely to be those who will lead it is quite disingenuous.
Damn straight Gwallan and Sonyad! All Men (from the beginning to now) to everyone else, “I built it. I’m gonna drive it. Sit down and shut the f*** up.”
sony you clearly do “get it”.
This is the thing feminists do not and cannot comprehend. Maybe feminists and/or women simply have no empathy for men or, worse, refuse to have.
Nevertheless to believe that the people who create civilisation aren’t also likely to be those who will lead it is quite disingenuous.
I get that a lot. Curious.
If you give me my mutt back, I won’t.
sonyad -
Like I told the judge, it was Oprah what raped me.
I didn’t mean to impugn your manliness (although being new around here I figgered SonyaD was a chick), I was merely surprised that you would bring up Sean Connery without mentioning his manliest role. The only explanation was that you were too young to remember it. Guess I can’t blame you for not being born when Never Say Never Again came out.
Please don’t whup me no mo’, boss.
“I’ll be back… come next election.”
Chain gang? At 20? What d’you do? Rape Oprah in her triasic prime?
What’s it like having Ms. Nuts’nbolts for gov’nor?
Ah, so you’ve seen my profile pic. You have no idea how much Rogaine I go through to keep my MPB in check.
I was still on the chain gang when I was your age.
Diesel, manlier men go bald sooner. Keep your noggin on your mind.
20, actually.
There are many, at times distinctly disparate, ways of expressing one’s manliness.
Indulging in excesses is one of the more poignant ones. Fuck moderation or eastern ‘wisdom’ of balance, equilibrium and stupid shit like that.
Great achievers operate by and achieve through excess, single mindedness of purpose, steadfast determination and the forsaking of all else.
Always pushing to be harder, better, faster, stronger, smarter is a intrinsically manly trait. It’s what drives progress.
sonyad – Hunt for Red…? You realize that Sean Connery was James f***ing Bond, right? While you’re at it, don’t forget Finding Forrester. Geez, what are you, like 12?
Let’s also take note that Cage changed his name FROM Coppolla, because having the same name as the guy who made Apocalypse Now and The Godfather wasn’t manly enough for him. That’s like being so black that you have to change your name from “Black” to “Holy Shit I Can’t See a Damn Thing It’s So F***ing Black.”
I have been inspired by the manliness of this forum to write a story regarding my own manliness. Read it and weep in your comparative lack of manliness.
The Legend of Diesel.
My tits are hot dude. Now spank me gwallan
I checked. He’d rather cut it off.
Cage is hot. He can rub his dick on my tits anyday.
Oh com’ on the guy has to work.
Personally he lost all man points WAY back when he played a pussy whipped teenager in Peggy Sue got Married…. Ever since then I can’t take him seriously or see him as manly.
assclown, that’s funny, Nick should play a psychotic clown that has an ass mask with a big red bulb nose where the asshole should be, that would be funny, and he could pull it off
Because I thought it was supposed to be a war film starring Nicholas Cage.
why wouldnt he i bet he gets lots of pussy for that chickflick, besides he made $$$$$. from bitches cause no man saw that shit and what the fuck were you watching that for you assclown.
Sony’s point has merit, though Connery is getting long in the tooth.
Or…
Nicolas Cage having sex with girlfriend on roof.
Cut to… Wrecking ball smashing into building, explosives go off. Building collapses.
Cut to… rubble, Cage stands up, looks around, doesn’t see girlfriend.
Cut to… Cage walking away from rubble. Lights a cigarette, turns around, facing rubble and says…
Cut to… Zoom in on Cage. “See? That’s why commitment doesn’t work.”
-wolfe
Sean Connery mops the floor with mister Cage.
The Hunt for Red October. Nuff said.
I sure haven’t.
-Dick
Dude, you obviously haven’t seen Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Other than seeing Penélope Cruz’s tits, that movie totally sucked. Why would Cage do such a thing to his career?
hell yeah.