Nicolas Cage - Lord of Men
Have you ever had sex with a woman who loves Nicolas Cage?
No you haven’t, because no woman loves Nicolas Cage. All women hate Nicolas Cage.
Nicolas Cage is so great and he knows it — that’s why. He’s also too manly for his own good. Just like moustaches, women hate anything that’s too manly. They hate it because they can’t resist throwing themselves at it for sexual gratification like sacrificial virgins.
Nicolas Cage is so manly he changed his very own name to more accurately match the ferocity of his manosity. Nicolas Cage is the second manliest man to be. Here’s why.
Can you imagine a world without Face Off or Con Air or Gone in Sixty Seconds? Of course you can because you’re a man, but also of course you can’t for the same reason! Men don’t spend their days idly imagining horrible shit. That’s why men don’t make bad, over-protective mothers. That and because of their enormous penises.
I was watching Lord of War the other day when I arrived at a frightening conclusion. Nicolas Cage is so manly that everyone can shut the fuck up. That’s why women hate him so much. Nicolas Cage knows no mercy or compassion and it’s obvious in every fucking move that he makes. That’s why his nose looks all fucking weird like that. Like Nero or something. Because he’s like an eagle that’s ten stories tall. He’s a wrecking ball with an indestructible spike welded to the side that makes it look like a cool three dimensional representation of the biological man sign.
I now present three of the best moments in film that prove conclusively why Nicolas Cage is considered by everyone to be the manliest man in cinema and by extension the world.
3. Nicolas Cage had sex with his girlfriend in pigtails on the roof of a building during a conversation about how he’s not into settling down. Nicolas Cage doesn’t play that game. That’s the manliest thing anyone has ever done anywhere. The only way it could have been more manlier was if the conversation had ended with a slap.
2. Nicolas Cage had sex with Angelina Jolie in a car he was in the middle of stealing. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith and as a man I know who’s in charge when I see it. The fact is, besides Nicolas Cage and Jack Black in Shark’s Tale, no man has ever told Angelina Jolie where she can shove it because she definitely fucking needs to.
1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.
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October 30th, 2006 at 12:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 93b55cdd43f53
hell yeah.
October 30th, 2006 at 1:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Dude, you obviously haven’t seen Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Other than seeing Penélope Cruz’s tits, that movie totally sucked. Why would Cage do such a thing to his career?
October 30th, 2006 at 1:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6897e3ddf8ad0
I sure haven’t.
-Dick
October 30th, 2006 at 2:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Sean Connery mops the floor with mister Cage.
The Hunt for Red October. Nuff said.
October 30th, 2006 at 2:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Sony’s point has merit, though Connery is getting long in the tooth.
Or…
Nicolas Cage having sex with girlfriend on roof.
Cut to… Wrecking ball smashing into building, explosives go off. Building collapses.
Cut to… rubble, Cage stands up, looks around, doesn’t see girlfriend.
Cut to… Cage walking away from rubble. Lights a cigarette, turns around, facing rubble and says…
Cut to… Zoom in on Cage. “See? That’s why commitment doesn’t work.”
-wolfe
October 30th, 2006 at 8:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a66d10276b0f
why wouldnt he i bet he gets lots of pussy for that chickflick, besides he made $$$$$. from bitches cause no man saw that shit and what the fuck were you watching that for you assclown.
October 31st, 2006 at 5:06 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Because I thought it was supposed to be a war film starring Nicholas Cage.
October 31st, 2006 at 11:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 810432f5e8013
assclown, that’s funny, Nick should play a psychotic clown that has an ass mask with a big red bulb nose where the asshole should be, that would be funny, and he could pull it off
October 31st, 2006 at 12:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5d2bddebcc7d5
Personally he lost all man points WAY back when he played a pussy whipped teenager in Peggy Sue got Married…. Ever since then I can’t take him seriously or see him as manly.
November 1st, 2006 at 12:46 am - IP Man-Hash: 3021e144c12b0
Oh com’ on the guy has to work.
November 1st, 2006 at 12:54 am - IP Man-Hash: c97811c96cf18
Cage is hot. He can rub his dick on my tits anyday.
November 1st, 2006 at 7:22 am - IP Man-Hash: f35e85c1fd2a2
I checked. He’d rather cut it off.
November 1st, 2006 at 10:37 am - IP Man-Hash: 0d7ea36fb2a54
My tits are hot dude. Now spank me gwallan
November 1st, 2006 at 12:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c2d8987f00bb
sonyad - Hunt for Red…? You realize that Sean Connery was James f***ing Bond, right? While you’re at it, don’t forget Finding Forrester. Geez, what are you, like 12?
Let’s also take note that Cage changed his name FROM Coppolla, because having the same name as the guy who made Apocalypse Now and The Godfather wasn’t manly enough for him. That’s like being so black that you have to change your name from “Black” to “Holy Shit I Can’t See a Damn Thing It’s So F***ing Black.”
I have been inspired by the manliness of this forum to write a story regarding my own manliness. Read it and weep in your comparative lack of manliness.
The Legend of Diesel.
November 1st, 2006 at 1:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
20, actually.
There are many, at times distinctly disparate, ways of expressing one’s manliness.
Indulging in excesses is one of the more poignant ones. Fuck moderation or eastern ‘wisdom’ of balance, equilibrium and stupid shit like that.
Great achievers operate by and achieve through excess, single mindedness of purpose, steadfast determination and the forsaking of all else.
Always pushing to be harder, better, faster, stronger, smarter is a intrinsically manly trait. It’s what drives progress.
November 1st, 2006 at 1:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Diesel, manlier men go bald sooner. Keep your noggin on your mind.
November 1st, 2006 at 1:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c2d8987f00bb
Ah, so you’ve seen my profile pic. You have no idea how much Rogaine I go through to keep my MPB in check.
I was still on the chain gang when I was your age.
November 1st, 2006 at 2:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Chain gang? At 20? What d’you do? Rape Oprah in her triasic prime?
What’s it like having Ms. Nuts’nbolts for gov’nor?
November 1st, 2006 at 2:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
“I’ll be back… come next election.”
November 1st, 2006 at 3:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c2d8987f00bb
sonyad -
Like I told the judge, it was Oprah what raped me.
I didn’t mean to impugn your manliness (although being new around here I figgered SonyaD was a chick), I was merely surprised that you would bring up Sean Connery without mentioning his manliest role. The only explanation was that you were too young to remember it. Guess I can’t blame you for not being born when Never Say Never Again came out.
Please don’t whup me no mo’, boss.
November 1st, 2006 at 4:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
If you give me my mutt back, I won’t.
November 1st, 2006 at 4:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
I get that a lot. Curious.
November 1st, 2006 at 6:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5278f73a1b7ea
sony you clearly do “get it”.
This is the thing feminists do not and cannot comprehend. Maybe feminists and/or women simply have no empathy for men or, worse, refuse to have.
Nevertheless to believe that the people who create civilisation aren’t also likely to be those who will lead it is quite disingenuous.
November 1st, 2006 at 7:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 3983ba43bb786
sony you clearly do “get it”.
This is the thing feminists do not and cannot comprehend. Maybe feminists and/or women simply have no empathy for men or, worse, refuse to have.
Nevertheless to believe that the people who create civilisation aren’t also likely to be those who will lead it is quite disingenuous.
Damn straight Gwallan and Sonyad! All Men (from the beginning to now) to everyone else, “I built it. I’m gonna drive it. Sit down and shut the f*** up.”
November 1st, 2006 at 10:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4c2d8987f00bb
Ok, but you gotta keep the name “Skoal.” Cuz it’s cool.
November 1st, 2006 at 10:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
No. Max it stands. As in Mad Max.
November 2nd, 2006 at 2:12 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Is there any movie role manlier than being cast a skipper on an Akula class nuclear submarine, largest vessel of its kind in history with a displacement of 48,000t?
If only submarines were not a branch of the navy entirely bereft of honour or pride.
Plus, the movie is based on a Tom Clancy novel.
Somehow, I fail to see how mister shaken, not stirred holds a candle to that. Sorry, I just can’t.
But still. To each his own.
November 2nd, 2006 at 6:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Outstanding story, Diesel.
I especially liked
Perhaps it’s the positions you take.
Best,
-wolfe
November 3rd, 2006 at 12:24 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Dubitable. But, hey, you take all you can get, how you can get it.
I ain’t that prudish.
- Fear Factory - Invisible Wounds
November 3rd, 2006 at 6:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 2dba4a98000b6
wolfe - Thanks for the plug.
sonyad - Thanks for the plug. (Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)
November 4th, 2006 at 5:16 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Take nothing of it.
- Wamdue Project - King Of My Castle
February 9th, 2007 at 5:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: d6c56f7eb67dd
Ghostrider will suck.
February 9th, 2007 at 9:30 pm - IP Man-Hash: 79d53bda15c89
Fair enough.
-Strength and Honor-
February 10th, 2007 at 8:53 am - IP Man-Hash: 1ae785605a1f1
It’s made in Hollywood. 95% of it’s trash?
February 10th, 2007 at 8:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 1ae785605a1f1
I’m fucking tired of media darling/whore Anna Nicole Smith’s death being treated like the death of a saint. This proves how fucked the media is.
The cunt was a gold digging whore and a single mother failure who’s son was on so much drugs he died young. If there’s a rightous vengeful creator being her death makes me believe in Him.
February 10th, 2007 at 2:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1e9a4fd46c3a7
Hey I know why people think Sonyad is a woman (no offence) but its because SONYAd sounds femenine when he probably meant SonyAd or SONYAD.
Just a grammar nazi guy ^.^
February 12th, 2007 at 7:46 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04528f486a40b
YES. i think we’re all sick of it..
i bet it was probably the trimspa..
February 13th, 2007 at 12:03 am - IP Man-Hash: 001a1de92075b
Respectfully, Necro, and I know you meant well, that’s crap. I think SonyAD’s arguments are mostly garbage, but it’s not about his name. He’s a respected member of this site, even if I think he’s a bit of a twit.
He’s a man, hammer him for the rubbish he says.
-wolfe
February 13th, 2007 at 1:56 am - IP Man-Hash: a0f07a3790979
You sound like a frigging girl!
How about you send Nic a picture of your spread eagle, and spare the rest of us the burden of listening to your drivel.
Best regards,
S.R.
February 13th, 2007 at 6:24 am - IP Man-Hash: b1bcc5565ee1f
“YES. i think we’re all sick of it..
i bet it was probably the trimspa..”
No one dies from caffeine.
Trimspa isn’t some magic dangerous drug, it’s just caffeine trash like all other “diet pills”.
The fat cows who look up to whore Anna Nicole would do themselves better with Flax pills and exercise.
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:54 am - IP Man-Hash: 6597403bb0b5b
Nicolas Cage was awesome in Snake Eyes too.
May 27th, 2007 at 1:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6f87924f77d53
How about when he died in leaving Las Vegas when he got his lady to have sex with him and in a true man’s way to go he was hard as a rock before he kicked it. What a way to go!! I know if I get screwed by too many more of these snake bitches that’s how I’m going to go. with a bottle and a whore
September 6th, 2007 at 2:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: a322eaf2dfffd
But he was in City of Angels, and that is possibly one of the worst movies ever. And he looked like a stupid abused dog throughout all of it.
September 6th, 2007 at 3:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 92db72c86765b
He acts the same way in every movie, ergo, he can’t act. Except that one time in Face Off.
September 22nd, 2007 at 10:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544
nicholas cage is cool :/ i dont hate him…
April 5th, 2008 at 2:41 am - IP Man-Hash: e4018ab92fba7
It’s just man-love baby. It may be hard to understand for women, but men can have great respect and admiration for other men without wanting to fuck them.
April 7th, 2008 at 1:00 am - IP Man-Hash: 3c3ca5120d047
Con air and Face off were awesome!! gone in sixty seconds totally gay ass crap remember that shitface!!!
April 7th, 2008 at 1:01 am - IP Man-Hash: 3c3ca5120d047
What about schwarzenegger in terminator and the predator? now that is cool shit dude!!!
April 7th, 2008 at 1:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 4b8494f25ae28
How long have you identified with the homosexual community? It’s okay, you aren’t alone here. Here’s a friend to cheer you up ;D
http://salmonofdoubt.110mb.com/gay.txt
I’m sure you’ll both ‘hit it off.’ Just don’t do any more of that 2g1c stuff, that’s fucking disgusting. You’re a ‘human’, not a hog ;D
April 16th, 2008 at 3:48 am - IP Man-Hash: 28f92a78ad570
Man he rocked in Lord or War!
April 20th, 2008 at 6:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: 55f0f857d1771
While it’s true that Cage is a bad Mother Fucker, he didn’t reach that level of bad assery until he asked Sean Connery what he should do in The Rock and Sean just gave him a thumbs up. At that exact moment his nuts doubled in size and started shooting guys and stabbing himself in the heart for fun. This is because Connery truely is the Baddest Mother Fucker ever to live.
May 24th, 2008 at 11:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 923237a4f46d7
Dude, he is an actor…. you do realize he is payed to say everything he says and do everything he does in those movies, right? Dude, thats like me saying Indiana Jones is manly because the character in the movies kicks ass with a whip and six shooter, or Neo makes another man (Agent) explode with his power in The Matrix… they’re fantasy, not reality, a bunch of director written pre-thought and scripted crap.
June 28th, 2008 at 5:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 43fafadb17f45
“1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.”
Uhm, no.
I do it, for real, on a fairly regular basis. Not only is it my job, but on the 4th of July, I’m going to do it just for fun!
Guns are the foundation of all that is civilized and decent; because they can kill anything that isn’t.