Nicolas Cage - Lord of Men
Have you ever had sex with a woman who loves Nicolas Cage?
No you haven’t, because no woman loves Nicolas Cage. All women hate Nicolas Cage.
Nicolas Cage is so great and he knows it — that’s why. He’s also too manly for his own good. Just like moustaches, women hate anything that’s too manly. They hate it because they can’t resist throwing themselves at it for sexual gratification like sacrificial virgins.
Nicolas Cage is so manly he changed his very own name to more accurately match the ferocity of his manosity. Nicolas Cage is the second manliest man to be. Here’s why.
Can you imagine a world without Face Off or Con Air or Gone in Sixty Seconds? Of course you can because you’re a man, but also of course you can’t for the same reason! Men don’t spend their days idly imagining horrible shit. That’s why men don’t make bad, over-protective mothers. That and because of their enormous penises.
I was watching Lord of War the other day when I arrived at a frightening conclusion. Nicolas Cage is so manly that everyone can shut the fuck up. That’s why women hate him so much. Nicolas Cage knows no mercy or compassion and it’s obvious in every fucking move that he makes. That’s why his nose looks all fucking weird like that. Like Nero or something. Because he’s like an eagle that’s ten stories tall. He’s a wrecking ball with an indestructible spike welded to the side that makes it look like a cool three dimensional representation of the biological man sign.
I now present three of the best moments in film that prove conclusively why Nicolas Cage is considered by everyone to be the manliest man in cinema and by extension the world.
3. Nicolas Cage had sex with his girlfriend in pigtails on the roof of a building during a conversation about how he’s not into settling down. Nicolas Cage doesn’t play that game. That’s the manliest thing anyone has ever done anywhere. The only way it could have been more manlier was if the conversation had ended with a slap.
2. Nicolas Cage had sex with Angelina Jolie in a car he was in the middle of stealing. I saw Mr. and Mrs. Smith and as a man I know who’s in charge when I see it. The fact is, besides Nicolas Cage and Jack Black in Shark’s Tale, no man has ever told Angelina Jolie where she can shove it because she definitely fucking needs to.
1. Nicolas Cage delivered a monologue about how awesome and manly guns are while standing on a pile of used machine gun shells. No one has ever done that nor will they ever. That’s because used machine gun shells are really fucking hot and only Nicolas Cage is manly enough to stand on them. His feet are made of man ice.
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Diesel, manlier men go bald sooner. Keep your noggin on your mind.
20, actually.
There are many, at times distinctly disparate, ways of expressing one’s manliness.
Indulging in excesses is one of the more poignant ones. Fuck moderation or eastern ‘wisdom’ of balance, equilibrium and stupid shit like that.
Great achievers operate by and achieve through excess, single mindedness of purpose, steadfast determination and the forsaking of all else.
Always pushing to be harder, better, faster, stronger, smarter is a intrinsically manly trait. It’s what drives progress.
sonyad - Hunt for Red…? You realize that Sean Connery was James f***ing Bond, right? While you’re at it, don’t forget Finding Forrester. Geez, what are you, like 12?
Let’s also take note that Cage changed his name FROM Coppolla, because having the same name as the guy who made Apocalypse Now and The Godfather wasn’t manly enough for him. That’s like being so black that you have to change your name from “Black” to “Holy Shit I Can’t See a Damn Thing It’s So F***ing Black.”
I have been inspired by the manliness of this forum to write a story regarding my own manliness. Read it and weep in your comparative lack of manliness.
The Legend of Diesel.
My tits are hot dude. Now spank me gwallan
I checked. He’d rather cut it off.
Cage is hot. He can rub his dick on my tits anyday.
Oh com’ on the guy has to work.
Personally he lost all man points WAY back when he played a pussy whipped teenager in Peggy Sue got Married…. Ever since then I can’t take him seriously or see him as manly.
assclown, that’s funny, Nick should play a psychotic clown that has an ass mask with a big red bulb nose where the asshole should be, that would be funny, and he could pull it off
Because I thought it was supposed to be a war film starring Nicholas Cage.
why wouldnt he i bet he gets lots of pussy for that chickflick, besides he made $$$$$. from bitches cause no man saw that shit and what the fuck were you watching that for you assclown.
Sony’s point has merit, though Connery is getting long in the tooth.
Or…
Nicolas Cage having sex with girlfriend on roof.
Cut to… Wrecking ball smashing into building, explosives go off. Building collapses.
Cut to… rubble, Cage stands up, looks around, doesn’t see girlfriend.
Cut to… Cage walking away from rubble. Lights a cigarette, turns around, facing rubble and says…
Cut to… Zoom in on Cage. “See? That’s why commitment doesn’t work.”
-wolfe
Sean Connery mops the floor with mister Cage.
The Hunt for Red October. Nuff said.
I sure haven’t.
-Dick
Dude, you obviously haven’t seen Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. Other than seeing Penélope Cruz’s tits, that movie totally sucked. Why would Cage do such a thing to his career?
hell yeah.