Olympic Fuckery

As a rule, the Olympic Games are chalk full of fuckery. Now, stage that fuckery in capitalism’s lower intestine: China, and you’re guaranteed an epic level — nay, an evolution of clusterfuck.

The fuckery at these Olympic Games has come in new and exciting forms. And since most of these “controversies” could easily be solved with hard work, dignity, or just plain old remembering that all of this is a fucking game, you can guess their epicenter. That’s right. It’s women.

Women are fucking around in China.

Chinese Gymnasts Under 14

I heard a lot of bullshit this week about how the Chinese are cheating at gymnastics. Apparently, you have to be at least 16 to compete in women’s gymnastics — and by my inspection, your neck also has to be the girth of your head. The Chinese failed to meet either criteria.

One of the problems with encouraging girls in athletics is that it encourages Gumby-neck syndrome.

If hitting puberty is a hindrance to your performance in a sport, then said sport does not belong at the Olympics. Can you imagine the Patriots contesting a touchdown because it was scored by a 12 year old? Can you imagine Warren Buffet calling a corporate merger do-over because the other company’s CEO was still in diapers? Fuck no! Because those are real games played by men. Having undescended balls is a problem, not a solution.

Women’s gymnastics is exactly the opposite. Puberty is a problem. Let’s look at some other non-sports where puberty is a problem.

Video games - should not be an Olympic event.
Fitting into cupboards - should not be an Olympic event.
Statutory Rape - should not be an Olympic event.

Instead of wasting time growing pubes and talking about boys, maybe you US female “champions” should have been practicing to beat up a bunch of little girls half your fucking age. In Communist China, baby steals your candy!

Ugly Girl Sings, Pretty Girl Gets Attention

A Chinese girl by the name of Pug Face Rake Mouth sang the Chinese anthem at the Olympic opening ceremony. However, we didn’t see her. What television audiences saw was a cute Chinese girl attempting an Olympic sized failure in lip syncing.

I know what you’re thinking. But Dick, who the fuck cares? TV cares. And that’s good enough for me.

TV cares because women care. And like it or not, women buy anything TV tells them to buy. “Chemicals that will keep my face clean while I shovel grease down my gullet? Yes please! ShamWOW? How much can I pay to be neurotic more efficiently? Magical headache wands that you rub on your fucking head like a glue stick? Sure, I’ll take a dozen.”

Worship controls the box.

But rest assured this public outcry against China’s censorship isn’t about injustice. Women don’t know shit about justice. Lady Justice has a cock. The real reason women are pissed off that the ugly little rake-mouth got thrown behind a curtain under a bus, while her cute countrywoman was given the spotlight, is because one girl has a gift and the other has something you can work for.

Women hate work.

Singing is a gift. You will never sing like Vince Neil; Vince Neil will never sing like Pavarotti — even a dead Pavarotti; and Pavarotti will never sing like some fat schmuck who works in the post office in Hampstead, UK. Life is a circle. Hakuna Matata.

Looking cute, however, is not a gift. It must be worked for.

Women hate hard work. They hate staying in shape, they hate learning how to smile properly, they hate trying to look good, and they hate anyone promoting work as a path to success. So what if some little girl can sing? This other little girl worked hard to look cute. And if she didn’t, she encourages other girls to do so anyway. Hakuna Matata. All the pumpkin-faced singer did was show up. That’s nothing to put on television.

China is world-renown for their censorship, but what we’ve learned from this debacle is that not all censorship is bad. And if any women think this is cruel, I challenge their hypocritical asses to go a week without eye-liner.

Women’s Softball is Shit-Canned

I tuned in to a game of America v. Venezuela softball because I heard the sport was full of “lesbians”. Boy was I duped! It’s full of “lesbians” all right, but these “lesbians” could also have day-time jobs doing stunt work for Baby Huey.

I saw lesbians, but what I didn’t see were any fans in the stadium, any Venezuelans who didn’t know who Miley Cyrus was dating, or any reason softball should be an Olympic event.

As of 2008, softball is no longer an Olympic event.

“These girls are pursuing a dream. It’s a shame to see some committee yank that dream away from them.” -some horsefaced announcer

I have a dream of nailing both Barbie Twins. I’ve had this dream for like twenty years. Should that be an Olympic event?

My point is, every girl on the world stage of softball was American. The Americans were American, the fans were American, and the Venezuelans were American. Say what you want about America, but Nike and the cash cow of “female empowerment” forcing a world committee to fund a fetish for women with scraped knees is not doing anything to dispel our reputation of self-promotion, self-aggrandizement and self-cluelessness.

But that’s what’s great about America. We don’t care what other people think.

Olympic women’s softball is nothing more than watching America’s “best” play America’s junior college “brightest” — who also happened to have a grandfather from Venezuela.

Manclusion

We’ve had a lot of fun here today, but one thing is important to remember. The Olympics are about humanity’s best athletes training for years to excel at games determined by an arbitrary set of rules — which are then marketed to hell because there’s no good TV on during the summer. Truly there is no greater pursuit and there never has been.

And for you ladies, the Olympics is just like life, if it weren’t for Camel Toe, no one would pretend to care.

Ugly Girl Signs Blues
US Gymnasts Sings Blues
Softball Sings Blues

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118 Comments in 45 threads.»

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Comment by blabla
2008-12-01 12:18:31 - IP Man-Hash: d9caefb8fa138

Softball! The ball is twice as big and they have to throw underarm…. how is that the elite of competition like the original greeks meant it to be?
Honestly, isn’t that similar to disabled olympics (no offense to the truly disabled)?

The biggest insult to feminism has to be the continued seperation of male and female in olympics. And it’s not because the committe is sexist, it’s because girls times/accuracy/whatever are continually worse. It’s just nature.

To be honest, I think now would be a great time to just ditch the sex seperation, and throw everyone into the same mix. Olympics are pretty goddamn boring as it is. It would give me something to smirk about at least. In the meantime, I’ll settle for the TV show ‘Wipeout’.

 
Comment by shamwow
2008-10-09 05:33:46 - IP Man-Hash: 4f8f8f6416c4f

any other shamwow reviews?

 
Comment by Vanessa
2008-10-03 11:01:03 - IP Man-Hash: 6c58514dc22bd

okay first off you are a jerk.
Secondly you need to shut your mouth
and thridly i hate you

Comment by Solomon
2008-10-03 11:13:00 - IP Man-Hash: 829be8a41e45b

If you want to avoid the Donna Jackson treatment bitch, you’d best fuck right off.

 
Comment by psiros
2008-10-04 07:38:19 - IP Man-Hash: 39097e6ba8475

“Thridly”… Jesus Fucking Christ!

 
 
Comment by Garrett
2008-09-28 17:34:10 - IP Man-Hash: 30a92e4f51f42

One think wrong with this is that you have to work to get a good singin voice. Not hard, but you have to work somewhat.

 
Comment by testify
2008-09-02 11:47:48 - IP Man-Hash: 09665c800146b

i would rather watch womens beach volleyball then any other sport in the summer olympics. beauty bodies!

Comment by Joseph James Frantz
2008-09-02 22:33:42 - IP Man-Hash: 843c6f66c2e88

I have no issue with Womens Beach Stripping either.

 
 
Comment by NewlySingle
2008-08-28 13:19:33 - IP Man-Hash: 1936721dd9fa1

Imagine just how much more exciting and how many more sports we could cram into the Olympics if it was ALL MEN. After all, watching women compete against women in sport is about as interesting as watching male teenagers compete in sport….they are just not very good yet……
Men are better than women at sport. And us men should not have to put the fuck up with mediocre sport just because it’s the best women can do. Let them organise their own olympics and see how many people pay to watch that shit.

 
Comment by Jason
2008-08-25 17:03:35 - IP Man-Hash: 3d89fb8a156b8

This post was funny, Dick. I really enjoyed it.

On another note, did anybody notice how the female athletes from Eastern Europe, Southern Europe, Latin America, Russia, East Asia, and South-East Asia looked more attractive and feminine than the female athletes from Western nations like the US, the UK, Australia, Canada etc? It’s interesting to see this and it does provide a lot of evidence that modern feminism has fucked up the West.

In conclusion, the only Olympic sports women are only good for are the aquatic sports of swimming, diving, water polo etc because we men want to see sexy women getting wet, and in some cases, getting their swimsuits ripped off them in the case of water polo.

 
Comment by Commander Scott
2008-08-25 10:29:37 - IP Man-Hash: 8292fb1246b05

Man has the largest brain for his size; and men have a larger brain than women.

~ Aristotle

Comment by Liviana Mari R
Comment by Liviana Mari R
2008-09-13 13:10:14 - IP Man-Hash: 8a37b6454e781

Also I would like to note society has always structured people to work a certain way, to view people a different way…

So when people when people change, views change, abilities change…..

 
 
 
Comment by P Coderch
2008-08-24 03:28:35 - IP Man-Hash: a19ee023ebf39

Ok, Mr.Masterson, but it should be noticed that China crushed the U.S.A in gold medals this Olympics, winning almost twice as many. Sure, the U.S still won more gold medals per capita, but no one cares about per capita but about absolute numbers.

P Coderch

 
Comment by TheHammer
2008-08-22 07:03:33 - IP Man-Hash: cd7afcaea31f9

They asked one of the gymnastics experts why younger age is advantageous and he minced words with a stumbling politically correct response but i heard what he said loud and clear! He basically said younger WOMEN don’t have as much baggage and therefore don’t choke as they don’t realize the importance of the event. It is a well documented fact that under pressure situations women’s performance goes down the tubes but men hold the same performance with the same number of errors. Anybody want to bet me that i can’t produce statistics/studies on this? Unforced errors have been measured in sports like tennis in women vs. men and this is the conclusion. The takeaway message is never let a woman be in charge of any pressure situation-IN ANYTHING IN IN LIFE !

 
Comment by psiros
2008-08-21 15:42:09 - IP Man-Hash: f77026e9301a8

Regarding China’s act of combining the best voice with the best physical presentation of their national anthem, I fail to see where any wrong was done. The Chinese wanted to put their best foot forward on the world stage. Who can blame them? Women can, of course. While this country is trying to develop its image and increase its status as a global player, women want to veer off on a tangent of insignificance and play grab-ass with factoid no man could reasonably give two fucks and a ha’penny about: who actually sang the anthem.

When it comes to kicking man-ass (thank you, Dick, for adding this to the lexicon of our mancabulary), we men want to get the pretentious opening ceremony bullshit out of the way and get to work. We treat life the same way. Ever notice how women may show up to work “on time”, proceed to fumble fuck around with stories about their kids and their dogs for a couple hours before even pretending to be productive. The same applies to this scenario. Women the world over have grabbed onto this incident as life preserver of fuckery to reduce the focus on what matters: ass-kicking men who’ve labored to be the best they can be. Typical.

In sum, I say the issue of who actually sang the song should be dropped. What are those focused on it trying to prove? China is a sexist country? No shit! If the little girls who sang/lip-synced the song did so without their feet bound, then progress has been made, considering China’s past. I suggest we get back to focusing on what matters, and that means being as productive and profitable as possible so we don’t need to keep selling out debt to these slippery shits and further compromise our status as the greatest nation in the world.

Comment by Joseph James Frantz
2008-08-22 00:34:01 - IP Man-Hash: a21b2bfca6ffe

They can’t drop the issue of who sang the song, because then they would have to answer why feminists supported Chairman Mao and said he was a great human being.

Watch the right hand kiddos, watch the right hand! Like a magician, women are fuck all about distracting from their fucking real ass bullshit, so they can keep on implementing their typical socialist agendas.

Fuck women.

 
 
Comment by Adrian P
2008-08-21 12:22:39 - IP Man-Hash: 917c2813ad3b3

Here is what Feminism is about and who supported it, underming western society to create more taxable assets.
http://www.infowars.com/articles/nwo/rockefeller_admitted_elite_goal_m icrochipped_population.htm

Comment by Hitler
2008-09-12 20:36:47 - IP Man-Hash: 8a37b6454e781

You believe this? it must be true it is on the net…

 
 
Comment by Dick Titanium
2008-08-21 02:56:13 - IP Man-Hash: e4e8b7249ce6f

All I wanna know is why the female olympians look like retarded midgets compared to their male counterparts.

 
Comment by Ritsuka-chan
2008-08-20 19:22:02 - IP Man-Hash: 2b3a2a56c98eb

Wow. This article makes me laugh on so many levels because you clearly have no friggin’ clue what you’re talking about.
As for your comments about singing being easy, you’ve most obviously never been involved in any type of choir or something along those lines because being able so sing well and professionally takes a hell of a lot of hard work.
I’ve been involved with my high school’s choir for quite a few years and even singing on that level required practice that was both time consuming and demanding.
It’s true that keeping up your physical appearance also takes some amount of effort, but when compared to the work involved with singing there is no second guessing at what is more difficult.
Hah, and as for your comments about the poor little girl who wasn’t even going to get any credit for actually singing the song; read the book “Grotesque” by Natsuo Kirino. In fact, don’t. It might be a little too complex and well written for you.
And for the love of God, please think before you type/post something. Or at least do it when you’re sober.
I believe you’ve just gotten bitch slapped by and 17 year old girl.

Comment by Matt
2008-08-26 16:41:24 - IP Man-Hash: 487443af721b8

“I believe you’ve just gotten bitch slapped by and 17 year old girl.”

Fail. Get out of here.

Comment by psiros
2008-08-26 18:47:41 - IP Man-Hash: f77026e9301a8

Amen, Matt!

***Psiros slams back a glass of man points mixed with Newcastle Brown Ale, cuz he can do that shit! Then he pukes on the bar just to be a fucking prick!***

 
 
 
Comment by Joseph James Frantz
2008-08-19 23:01:24 - IP Man-Hash: a21b2bfca6ffe

I’m not sure what folks don’t like about this article? It’s funny as shit and has pissed off a bunch of broads and broadginas. We all know what that means, its dripping with truth from every pour.

Women suck at sports and we all know it. That would be bad enough, but the non-sports that are Women’s Olympics, fuck they suck at those also.

It’d be fuckin nice to just have SPORTS as part of the Olympics. Sports > Women.

 
Comment by dude
2008-08-19 23:01:13 - IP Man-Hash: 43f74d2f042bf

Summer Olympics blow!

we will dominate in winter 2010 EH!!!!!!!

 
Comment by Ben
2008-08-19 22:35:33 - IP Man-Hash: 6db1f61d21162

actually dick this time i disagree with you. drop the dick in your hands and wipe the cum from your eyes and take a real look at the situation.
Hitting puberty is a hinderance for gymnastics, aren’t young children more flexible then teenagers? I remember I used to be able to bend my fingers back to touch the back of my hand i can no longer do that. plus tits make them top heavy, unless you are shawn johnson and you have t-rex legs, also the fact that 12 year olds are about 4′2″ is quite the advantage in itself

 
Comment by Sandra E.
2008-08-19 21:07:47 - IP Man-Hash: 63e572d28b67e

Haha, go fucking figure. “She was too ugly.” - Poor kid.

 
Comment by Dustin
2008-08-19 20:18:41 - IP Man-Hash: 43fafadb17f45

While I felt this bit wasn’t the best, out-doing yourself daily is impossible, even for a man. Sometimes you just have to settle for “awesome enough.”

I think several of the responses missed the whole point of the underage gymnasts. The point is that once a female hits puberty, she’s not good for much. They HAD to put in the underage girls because the ones who were older, sucked. And not in the way that is useful for the Olympics.

Comment by SMashy
2008-08-19 21:26:21 - IP Man-Hash: bed06ec6e55b0

Yeah as I’ve covered here before females live for 80 plus years but are useful for about one decade.

 
 
Comment by WhatName
2008-08-19 16:45:59 - IP Man-Hash: e1caec5062137

Dick, are you following the news story that Roy Den Hollander is suing Columbia University justifiably because they have no Men’s Studies department? Could this be a landmark case for Men’s Rights? Here’s a link for the story:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2008/08/18/2008-08-18_feminist_columbi a_university_demonizes_m.html

I have to say I hope he wins because it’s no secret women are dominating colleges these days while men are left to get fucked by a deeply feminist corrupted courses. I’d advise young men to be aware of what they’re getting into with these places. Look at how many male’s graduate or see how many males even teach at these place. Hell, even skipping college and jumping right into a career might be the best option instead of wasting your time with feminist bullshit.

Comment by Vanntabulous
 
Comment by Primetime
2008-09-05 06:13:16 - IP Man-Hash: 36b375b61dfea

That’s great news… thanks for posting the article.

 
 
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