Bachelor Parties vs. Bachelorette Bitchfests

Posted in Doings and Dealings on September 29th, 2008

Do you know why wedding dresses are white? So the dishwasher will match the stove.

Back when women at least pretended to have class, a bachelorette party was something you might read about in a crudely published pornographic newsletter: a marauding gang of drunk sluts scavenging small towns for attention after midnight.

Prurient Fiction.

Imagine a bachelorette party in the context of a show like Leave it to Beaver. Are you going out with your fiancee this weekend Wally? No I’m not, Beave. Because she’s going out with 8 of her friends to get drunk as fuck, act like a whore, and cry, fight, and slobber over anything with a cock.

Bachelor parties are the epitome of a healthy human society. Bachelorette parties are the opposite. What a fucking surprise it is that bachelor parties are just like this website: by men, for men only. If any women want in, prepare to bare your tits. [Read more]

The MABTW Tattoo

Posted in Honorary Man of the Month, Manspirations on September 8th, 2008

MABTW TAT

It’s rare that a man makes a mistake. I myself have never made one. However, last week I nearly did when I named Sarah Palin my Honorary Man of the Year. Clearly, the woman above deserves that title.

However, the woman above is ineligible. Because she’s my Honorary Man of the Decade. My perfect record continues. [Read more]

McCain and the VPILF

Posted in Honorary Man of the Month, World News on September 1st, 2008

I’m going to tell you guys the first thing I thought when I was text messaged a picture of McCain’s new VP by a dozen fucking people at 8 in the morning.

sarah palin vpilf

I’d fuck her.

Meet the world’s first VPILF, fellows and gentlemen. A Vice President I’d like to fuck. And she will be Vice President because apparently McCain is the smartest fucking politician in history. Who knew!

I’m jumping on the VPILF train today by naming Miss Sarah Palin my Honorary Man of the Year. [Read more]

Dick Responds: The Mid-Wife Crisis

Posted in He Said/She Said on August 28th, 2008

Marriage is a daily compromise of your money, time, and happiness for the senseless whims of some unpredictable bitch who stopped maturing when she started menstruating.

Short version: Fuck marriage.

Today, I have a new reason why none of you men should get married. And that reason comes from the last place you would ever expect: Oprah Magazine.

Gentlemen, I present the Mid-Wife Crisis. Get ready to see a journalist package self-loathing and selfishness as introspection — and then sell that shit to the dumbest bunch of cows on Earth: readers of Oprah Magazine.

Read this for a reason to say, “I don’t.” [Read more]

Sexual Harassment: Deal With It

Posted in Myths and Lores on August 22nd, 2008

A penny saved is a woman fired.

One of the best reasons not to hire a woman is that eventually, every single one of them will be sexually harassed by a co-worker. And guess who gets to pay for it? You.

Money can make a woman forget anything. Humiliation, morals, the emotional well-being of her own children. That’s why strippers never graduate. When women see dollar signs, their brains turn into shit.

By hiring a man over a woman, you are not only getting a more qualified, more competent, less smelly employee, you’re also lowering your chances of being sued for providing a hostile work environment to zero.

But even if you do get sued for sexual harassment, it’s bullshit.

Sexual harassment doesn’t exist. [Read more]

Female Medics Are Deadly

Posted in Doings and Dealings on August 20th, 2008

Every time you walk over a freeway, you make a choice not to throw batteries at the cars below. Think about it. It’s not like you’d get caught. What are they going to do? Stop on the fucking freeway and climb the overpass? I’d like to see that.

But you choose not to because an 80mph freeway battery shower would fuck up a lot of people’s lives.

Ten times out of ten, men make the choice to be a good person.

Ten times out of ten, Female EMT’s choose to endanger people’s lives.

Female EMT’s are deadly. [Read more]

Olympic Fuckery

Posted in World News on August 18th, 2008

As a rule, the Olympic Games are chalk full of fuckery. Now, stage that fuckery in capitalism’s lower intestine: China, and you’re guaranteed an epic level — nay, an evolution of clusterfuck.

The fuckery at these Olympic Games has come in new and exciting forms. And since most of these “controversies” could easily be solved with hard work, dignity, or just plain old remembering that all of this is a fucking game, you can guess their epicenter. That’s right. It’s women.

Women are fucking around in China. [Read more]

Fat Women: Stay Home!

Posted in World News on August 7th, 2008


Every weekend, millions of dumpy, 20-something sluts decide not to go to a nightclub because they’re an eyesore to men and an embarrassment to their species. Thank you ladies for doing that. You cows may be good for nothing, but at least you have the decency to be fat-fuck slobs in the privacy of your own homes.

Unfortunately, thousands of these behemoths opt to cover themselves in a sequin tarp and head out anyway. Thankfully for us, they get turned away at the door. Anyplace that sets their drink prices at 15 dollars a pop should provide an atmosphere free of muffin tops, front cracks, and desperate whales. Trust me, you haven’t seen real desperation until you’ve been hit on by a drunk fat girl. A more pathetic spectacle of self-loathing, denial, and tears, I have not seen matched.

All this happens every weekend and up until today, no one has ever given a fuck. This weekend, however, some size 16 womanatee by the name of Georgina Mason decided to call the police about it.

Someone should have called the police on her fat ass — for fifty counts of negligent bonercide. [Read more]