Personal Problems
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Women who take out personal ads are some of the most damaged and desperate disasters walking the face of the Earth. For women with personal ads, free is too expensive, no sex is too much, and Armenian is the new black.
Personal ads are fine for men to have. Like most things, in the hands of men a personal ad can be both tasteful and hilarious. But like stripping, binge drinking, and voting, when women do it, it’s a sign of a major fucking problem.
For women, getting a date is like a man cleaning his bathroom. To get it done, all you have to do is lower your impossible standards, or drink enough to feel comfortable showing it to your friends.
If you’re ever convinced your girlfriend is crappy enough to stop having sex with (and she most probably is), here’s a fun mantivity for you to manjoy. Point your internet browser over to the nearest personals site.
For every 5 pounds your girlfriend should lose, a personals girl should lose 20.
For every guy your girlfriend has fucked, a personals girl has fucked one twice her age.
For every joke your girlfriend doesn’t laugh at, a personals girl says “soulmate” seven times.
For every penis joke your girlfriend laughs at, a personals girl has a “date rape” anecdote.
For every bill your girlfriend hasn’t paid, a personals girl has had two cars repossessed and only one of them was hers.
For every unwanted phone call you get from your girlfriend, a personals girl will call your parents looking for you when you don’t pick up.
For every awful perfume your girlfriend has, a personals girl has ten synonyms for “big fat fuck”.
For every time your girlfriend has fallen asleep on you at 10:30, a personals girl has passed out drunk in a bar.
For every time your girlfriend brings up marriage, a personals girl has been in a cult.
For every MySpace account your girlfriend has, a personals girl has posted six nude pictures of herself on an amateur porn website with only the bottom half of her face showing .
For every secret MySpace account your girlfriend has, a personals girl has an ex-boyfriend in your town who is a cop.
For every child your girlfriend doesn’t have, a personals girl has Herpes.
You may not think your paramour is the prize pig of the fair, but you will be shocked and horrified by the other sows out there on Skid Row, wriggling around in the excrement of their self-delusion and wondering when the fuck some prince is going to swoop in and tell them they don’t need to be as gorgeous as they are because they’re so goddamn intelligent and self-aware.
Women who place personal ads are ugly as shit and dumb. The only way they could be less self-aware was if their hair was on fire.
Men, being as great as we are, are always on the lookout for what’s bigger and better and, more importantly, a hotter and therefore truer reflection of us. We especially apply these manciples to our mates. If we didn’t, human beings wouldn’t have thumbs or colons. We would still be climbing trees and shitting all over monkey-selves without the dexterity to change our pants after doing so. Think about it. Without a lust for spousal betterment, a hundred million years ago, sea-men would have just sat around, fucking whatever came their way and not giving a damn about evolution.
The Penis is the secret ingredient of evolution.
Women can thank us for the very few differences there are that separate them from chimpanzees.
Pig Shit Crazy
When women place personal ads, they have the unique ability to exhibit all negative personality traits at one time; even though some might contradict each other. Women are the Schrodinger’s Cat of Embarrassing Self-Delusion. Here’s an example.
Please do not respond if you are a superficial asshole who treats girls like a game, or if you are sexist, unmotivated, or insensitive!
I guess that’s what women call multi-tasking: looking desperate, arrogant, and used all at the same time. Here’s another gem:
I enjoy getting out for new adventures with the right person.
The picture attached to that one was about a dollar short of three bills. What adventures can you take a hippopotamus on? The Rascal ride down the dessert aisle at Ralph’s? I’m up for a new adventure too, but it isn’t climbing a flesh colored bean bag with my credit card.
Men don’t dump our most desperate masturbatory fantasies into our personal ads like we’re finger painting with Vasoline. At least I’m sure we don’t. I don’t know because I have never read a man’s personal ad. I’ve only read women’s and each one I have was more painful than the time I was tricked into reading a fan fiction script of House MD where House and Foreman have sex. But even that was better than the personal ads. At least I learned something.
Just because something you download says, “Official leaked script for fourth season House opener”, doesn’t mean that it is. It’s actually some cocksucker’s hilarious idea of a joke. Just like calling yourself spiritual doesn’t mean you’re not a cunt and calling yourself a vegan doesn’t mean you don’t sweat avocados.
Bad News, Bad News
Men don’t play Good News, Bad News with our personals ads. We don’t toss “two kids” or “anal warts” in at the end of an otherwise pleasant monologue about ourselves. That’s because we’re classier than women. Women play a game called Desperate News, Bad News with their personal ads. The Desperate News is the striking and unusual tone of a woman who isn’t acting like an arrogant bitch in everything she says, and the Bad News is the reason why.
If you can’t find anything wrong with a woman’s personal ad, she’s waiting to tell you in person.
Dating 101
Women who place personal ads must have learned how dating works through the Mystery Date board game — or by playing Henry Rollins albums in reverse and drinking paint thinner. There’s no other explanation for some of their ad requirements.
“Marriage Minded.”
No shit? A woman who’s marriage minded? How about “Eats Food” or “Breathes Air”. The first word of “settling down” is the first step to placing a personal ad. It’s implied and mentioning it is completely unnecessary unless you’re trying to look more desperate than you already do — which is impossible.
“Let’s meet and see if there’s a spark!”
What the fuck are the other options? Dial random numbers on the telephone and see if fate connects our love lines? Put all of our favorite movies and TV shows into a computer and have it spit out a Yay or Go Fuck Yourself? I bet women would love it if the government did that, since they’re all fascists.
Manclusion
If you ever take a girl out who you met on Craigslist, make sure you bring a box of See’s candy to throw at her like flak while you’re making your escape to the nearest gym. Gyms are like churches to vampires for girls who are too desperate and backwards to get guys the natural way.
I’m not saying girls who place personal ads are undateable. Actually I am. However, there are a few who are not unfuckable. Fucking them is just finishing the job their father started by smacking the crap out of them.
While I was researching this article, I discovered a new euphemism for “fat as a house” that women use in their online personal ads. It’s called “I like AdultSwim”. If her profile has any quotes from a Master Shake, it’s because she drinks three a day, and they’re not the Slim Fast variety.
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Of course this site serves a purpose it gives me confidence in being a man.
So I’m even better at being a man than before, and that is good for everyone.
I know it’s been said here on this site that women hate sex, but they would hate it even more if we men were so underconfident and self-obsessed - that while fucking all we did was think about ourselves and not pay the woman any attention which is what they do to us.
Also modest :D.
In other words, I’m a genius.
-Dick
You’re most definitely right, but even so, if we men didn’t stand up and do what needed to be done throughout history, we would all have been wiped out centuries ago.
I did a google search on “menarebetterthanwomen.com” moments ago and stumbled upon a feminist forum trying to discern both the purpose and initial cause for this site’s existence. They concluded that it must be a joke, and that everyone who posts here must be gay. No surprises there.
However, this got me thinking. Does this site serve a purpose? I believe it does. When my girlfriend fucks up, I make sure she knows it. If she behaves irrationally, I make it a priority to show her how to think like a man. The reason I do this is because I want her to change. To change culture, you must first hold up a mirror to it so it can see how ugly and deformed it has become.
If there is even a small chance that women are as they are because of culture, and not because of biology, or even if we can steer evolution, then it is our duty to do so - this site spreads the news that things are not right with the female gender, and becomes their cultural mirror.
@ Catherine: I thought you were leaving?
@ Savant: Did you know that Devo never meant to become famous? They were thumbing their nose at the music industry.
Well, thank you for the opportunity, sir.
My band… I use the term loosely…. was funded about 5 months ago. It is called, “The Greatest Emo Band Ever”. It all started when I was attending a Dear Whoever concert in Portland OR, an all ages show.
Now, anyone who is familiar with the hard rock genre knows that all ages + metal = bad things. This was no different. However, instead of a moshing 10 year old being airlifted to Providence Hospital… it was me who ended up getting punched in the crotch. By the aforementioned 10year old.
Now, I like to consider myself the definition of maturity. When bad things happen, I respond to them quickly and fairly… this situation was no different. In order to gain much-needed retribution for my assailed-genitals, I decided to start an emo band.
We’re not the typical emo band for two reasons. (1) we don’t sing about pain and heartbreak. We typically make fun of dating, myspace, WoW, cell-phones and other staples of pop-culture. Notable songs are: “Myspace Love Song”, “Emo Love Dirge”, “Vagina Cutthroat” and “Little Warcraft Girl”. All recordings are low-fi and horribly done on purpose.
Reason (2) is… well, there really isn’t a band. It’s just me. I play all the instruments, harmonize with myself, record it, produce it and arrange it all myself. This was to ensure a proper emo atmosphere, as I wrote recorded most of the songs within 8 hours…. alone. This whole thing was just supposed to be a fun side-project to my REAL band… but it took off, getting the first 400 plays within a week’s time. I still have yet to even seriously promote the material, and it’s received well over 1600 hits. Not bad for a month or two of no work.
I have a few guys that I regularly call up to do live shows with. Our following is starting to increase. I’m working on the finishing touches to the first CD, entitled “Greatest Hits”… (yes, I know)…. but I am hesitant to actually promote and develop a serious following. After all, it’s only a joke… and I still have my real band. Time will tell if I actually want to pull it off.
Veronica Belmont is proof that at the very least something like 6.66666667 × 10 -11 % of American women don’t suck.
Actually, it’s 100% of American Women, not 95%.
Tell us about your band.
-Dick
“…’Til the next time, conflicted, emo-hating, emo-playing musician stud”
BRAVO!!! You obviously got the joke, so I’m assuming you listened to the music. Good for you.
Oh man, hold out for that 5%! :) Tom Brady can’t possible get them all! Or maybe he can.
I apologize. I will take my free conversation and go now, like the humble little bitch I am.
‘Til the next time, conflicted, emo-hating, emo-playing musician stud!
Quantity vs. quality? Hon, look around you at 95% of American women, and tell me that quality was EVER an option.
That said, a rock musician stud? This is not my site, and promoting myself without Dick’s consent would be disrespectful and insulting. Especially since he has been good enough to allow free conversation. Thereafore, you must imagine that I told you what I was going to, but didn’t, because I have respect. Men have that.
So just consider yourself horribly in error, and downright apologetic. Like you should be.
If putting out selectively makes me a whore, then a whore I am. But what does that make you, since you bang indiscriminately? I suppose you think it makes you a rock musician stud.
Sigh. It’s true that too many women ARE tragically attracted to even bad musicians like you. I guess you win this one, since you seem to keep score by quantity not quality. I hope you’re at least getting paid, like most women who do a lot of indiscriminate screwing. Fair’s fair, right?!
“While I’m in your locker room I might add I do put out. But probably not for you, since you’re only able to lay malleable and horrifically stupid females.”
Which is precisely why I would be able to lay you. Especially since you openly admited to being a whore.
Um. You like to compare yourself to toilet seats and litterboxes?
And I take it from your recommendation of Taming of the Shrew that you prefer manipulative, lying, two-faced bitches who prop up your male ego to loud-mouthed ones who have no use for you?
Well, you may have a point there. I’m sorry that we women don’t seem to have anything between to offer you.
While I’m in your locker room I might add I do put out. But probably not for you, since you’re only able to lay malleable and horrifically stupid females.
OMG U THINK THE UK IS BAD?
LOL IF YOU THINK THAT U SHULD SEE AMERICA. FUCKING FAT WHORES WITH CRAPPY DOLLARS. FUCKING HIGHSCHOOL. AMERICANS ARE WHORES!
I have one question for this entire article:
Is Pig Shit Crazy better or worse than Bat Shit Crazy?
Why not? Don’t you like to have your clean clothes accessible? I’m almost afraid to ask, but do you wash and dry laundry? Or does your mommy do that for you.
Here’s my advice: Go back to school, close your legs, and try to graduate.
That’s little gurls for you. Think they’re welcome anywhere, be it the men’s room, a sports meet, or a motor convention. Now, their gender wouldn’t be such a problem if they didn’t have to flaunt that shit everywhere they went as though they were better than everyone else. Yeah, nice fucking sun-dress, oh now that it’s stuck in the bike chain I suppose we’re entitled to help you unjam it. No dice, you were a cunt to everyone here, so regardless of your sex, you just suck as a person.
I like the way you call our views opinions, too. You’ve proven every single one of them.
So let’s mark up another strike for the poor liars count.
And one for ‘can’t do anything for themselves’ because you have to resort to threatening to get the law involved over a matter of free speech.
One for all gurls are fascists, too.
Funny, I’m starting to think that those stereotypes about girls aren’t really stereotypes at all, but rather reflections of reality upon your average gurl.
No shit you live in the UK. Its a fucking breeding ground for worthless chavs like you.
Seriously, why even bother attending school anymore? It just churns out clones and retards.
You can thank feminism for that, Jess.