Personal Problems
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Women who take out personal ads are some of the most damaged and desperate disasters walking the face of the Earth. For women with personal ads, free is too expensive, no sex is too much, and Armenian is the new black.
Personal ads are fine for men to have. Like most things, in the hands of men a personal ad can be both tasteful and hilarious. But like stripping, binge drinking, and voting, when women do it, it’s a sign of a major fucking problem.
For women, getting a date is like a man cleaning his bathroom. To get it done, all you have to do is lower your impossible standards, or drink enough to feel comfortable showing it to your friends.
If you’re ever convinced your girlfriend is crappy enough to stop having sex with (and she most probably is), here’s a fun mantivity for you to manjoy. Point your internet browser over to the nearest personals site.
For every 5 pounds your girlfriend should lose, a personals girl should lose 20.
For every guy your girlfriend has fucked, a personals girl has fucked one twice her age.
For every joke your girlfriend doesn’t laugh at, a personals girl says “soulmate” seven times.
For every penis joke your girlfriend laughs at, a personals girl has a “date rape” anecdote.
For every bill your girlfriend hasn’t paid, a personals girl has had two cars repossessed and only one of them was hers.
For every unwanted phone call you get from your girlfriend, a personals girl will call your parents looking for you when you don’t pick up.
For every awful perfume your girlfriend has, a personals girl has ten synonyms for “big fat fuck”.
For every time your girlfriend has fallen asleep on you at 10:30, a personals girl has passed out drunk in a bar.
For every time your girlfriend brings up marriage, a personals girl has been in a cult.
For every MySpace account your girlfriend has, a personals girl has posted six nude pictures of herself on an amateur porn website with only the bottom half of her face showing .
For every secret MySpace account your girlfriend has, a personals girl has an ex-boyfriend in your town who is a cop.
For every child your girlfriend doesn’t have, a personals girl has Herpes.
You may not think your paramour is the prize pig of the fair, but you will be shocked and horrified by the other sows out there on Skid Row, wriggling around in the excrement of their self-delusion and wondering when the fuck some prince is going to swoop in and tell them they don’t need to be as gorgeous as they are because they’re so goddamn intelligent and self-aware.
Women who place personal ads are ugly as shit and dumb. The only way they could be less self-aware was if their hair was on fire.
Men, being as great as we are, are always on the lookout for what’s bigger and better and, more importantly, a hotter and therefore truer reflection of us. We especially apply these manciples to our mates. If we didn’t, human beings wouldn’t have thumbs or colons. We would still be climbing trees and shitting all over monkey-selves without the dexterity to change our pants after doing so. Think about it. Without a lust for spousal betterment, a hundred million years ago, sea-men would have just sat around, fucking whatever came their way and not giving a damn about evolution.
The Penis is the secret ingredient of evolution.
Women can thank us for the very few differences there are that separate them from chimpanzees.
Pig Shit Crazy
When women place personal ads, they have the unique ability to exhibit all negative personality traits at one time; even though some might contradict each other. Women are the Schrodinger’s Cat of Embarrassing Self-Delusion. Here’s an example.
Please do not respond if you are a superficial asshole who treats girls like a game, or if you are sexist, unmotivated, or insensitive!
I guess that’s what women call multi-tasking: looking desperate, arrogant, and used all at the same time. Here’s another gem:
I enjoy getting out for new adventures with the right person.
The picture attached to that one was about a dollar short of three bills. What adventures can you take a hippopotamus on? The Rascal ride down the dessert aisle at Ralph’s? I’m up for a new adventure too, but it isn’t climbing a flesh colored bean bag with my credit card.
Men don’t dump our most desperate masturbatory fantasies into our personal ads like we’re finger painting with Vasoline. At least I’m sure we don’t. I don’t know because I have never read a man’s personal ad. I’ve only read women’s and each one I have was more painful than the time I was tricked into reading a fan fiction script of House MD where House and Foreman have sex. But even that was better than the personal ads. At least I learned something.
Just because something you download says, “Official leaked script for fourth season House opener”, doesn’t mean that it is. It’s actually some cocksucker’s hilarious idea of a joke. Just like calling yourself spiritual doesn’t mean you’re not a cunt and calling yourself a vegan doesn’t mean you don’t sweat avocados.
Bad News, Bad News
Men don’t play Good News, Bad News with our personals ads. We don’t toss “two kids” or “anal warts” in at the end of an otherwise pleasant monologue about ourselves. That’s because we’re classier than women. Women play a game called Desperate News, Bad News with their personal ads. The Desperate News is the striking and unusual tone of a woman who isn’t acting like an arrogant bitch in everything she says, and the Bad News is the reason why.
If you can’t find anything wrong with a woman’s personal ad, she’s waiting to tell you in person.
Dating 101
Women who place personal ads must have learned how dating works through the Mystery Date board game — or by playing Henry Rollins albums in reverse and drinking paint thinner. There’s no other explanation for some of their ad requirements.
“Marriage Minded.”
No shit? A woman who’s marriage minded? How about “Eats Food” or “Breathes Air”. The first word of “settling down” is the first step to placing a personal ad. It’s implied and mentioning it is completely unnecessary unless you’re trying to look more desperate than you already do — which is impossible.
“Let’s meet and see if there’s a spark!”
What the fuck are the other options? Dial random numbers on the telephone and see if fate connects our love lines? Put all of our favorite movies and TV shows into a computer and have it spit out a Yay or Go Fuck Yourself? I bet women would love it if the government did that, since they’re all fascists.
Manclusion
If you ever take a girl out who you met on Craigslist, make sure you bring a box of See’s candy to throw at her like flak while you’re making your escape to the nearest gym. Gyms are like churches to vampires for girls who are too desperate and backwards to get guys the natural way.
I’m not saying girls who place personal ads are undateable. Actually I am. However, there are a few who are not unfuckable. Fucking them is just finishing the job their father started by smacking the crap out of them.
While I was researching this article, I discovered a new euphemism for “fat as a house” that women use in their online personal ads. It’s called “I like AdultSwim”. If her profile has any quotes from a Master Shake, it’s because she drinks three a day, and they’re not the Slim Fast variety.
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Anyway, I’m not anti-male. I just don’t like a couple of you assholes on this site, that’s all.
Well, put, Catherine. Some of these boys are just so scared when a girl invades their turf! If the best they can throw at us is “fuck-toy” and “no brain,” then this will be a very easy battle to win.
desperatly = desperately… meh.
I’d do it and spell everything correctly too. Call you names and everything else that you enjoy but I’m semi-nice guy and don’t know how. :)
+
If I did you probably get a crush on me and we don’t know whether you are hot or not yet. Put a picture up and let us rate you. You’d love that I bet. Unless YOU’RE fucking ugly, and blaming us for it.
P.S. go away… now as in now, NOW. a fuck it. Women
Yes someone please come and give her the insults she desperatly needs.
Sigh. Necro, how’d you score in reading comprehension? Not good, I’m assuming.
Nor in grammar and spelling - “your a feminist”. No, YOU’RE mistaken.
Wolfe, save me from bad grammar and spelling. Insult me like a man, not like this dead swordsman and confused fish.
Doubt, 50 manpoints deducted. Now, shut up mmkay? Respond only to men and women who have the proper minimal intelligence.
But your a feminist. You’re allergic to facts and anything not stupid and incoherent.
Stop embarassing yourself.
Doubtfish, I will be happy to respond to your last post as soon as one of the more intelligent gentlemen on this site (Wolfe, if you have the time?) translates it from incoherent into stupid. He need not go so far as translating it into coherent, because, as a women, I wouldn’t understand it anyway.
To be clear, I meant reading Catherine’s last post…
Catherine,
I maybe shouldn’t say this, but reading that last post made me feel like I got something icky on me.
KellyMac
The funny thing is, we don’t talk about pulling male fetuses out of our vaginas’.
I’m sorry if you’re going for something else here, but you really aren’t making great strides in progress as far as eliminating that misconception that gurlz are stupid, liars, and manipulative whores. And goddamn awful at all three of those things.
Forsake all their tools if you hate chauvinists so much, Cathy. And being that every straight thinking man - include the gay men too, because you seem so keen to back-stab them - womanized when he got the chance.
Some might almost say that, back when the world was in the swing of things and the Jews weren’t trying to kill the Muslims trying to kill the Christians, the most deserving men got the pussy.
Maybe before you feminists fucked everything up we didn’t have to treat you like shit to get laid.
Because if the only time you put out is either when you’re insecure or think you’ll get something other than sex out of it - social acceptance - you know society has fucked itself over.
Thanking you profusely,
Doubtfish
You mean WITH “that anti-male slant”?
I sure hope your tool is bigger than mine, and that it gives you the warm fuzzies at night. I think it’s sweet that men have something so simple to fall back on when the
worldwomen get hard on them. A swinging dick. Doesn’t it just make you feel like the lord of all?Anyway, I’m not anti-male. I just don’t like a couple of you assholes on this site, that’s all.
Dick - you seem semi-normal. And unless you’re completely fucked in the head, and since you say you’re not a woman HATER, there must have been a woman in your life you had some respect for (long as she knew her place that is). Doesn’t it make you feel a little sick inside knowing the creeps that frequent your site? Like, women-icidal (I didn’t know if you’d take offense to homicidal, since I’m referring only to women), rapist nut-jobs? And these same creeps are giving you money.
Dirty dirty money.
Dirty dirty Dick.
Aww, but it’s so fun…
But I shouldn’t encourage her.
*punches Doubt*
Doubt, man, just leave it alone. She just wants attention and your giving it to her.
Don’t make me deduct manpoints!
You mean like we get bored and go throw pennies at a stripper so we can hear your babbling from a naked girl? I’ll throw a handful at her ditsy head just for you, sweetiepie.
I’ll shut the fuck up when morons like you are speechless. Look, I did it! Yay for me!
Ah, an A’zan srut. Kawaii.
Good luck hiding behind your tits and vagina. It’s about as good a defense - or attack - strategy as focusing your rage and energy on your opponent’s genitals. And I’m fairly sure there isn’t a time-proven method in which relies solely on surprise, dishonor, and social ineptitude. In fact, I don’t know of any martial art style that encourages you to try and piss your opponent off, and not just that, but to start the conflict with your opponent with the intention of your in-crowd backing you off when things shoot off, somehow, not as you planned.
As I said, assuming your crowd of tools will always be there is hardly a fool-proof solution to physical weakness. And pissing random folks off would more of accentuate your pencil-armed fat-chested self, rather than solve your little problem. It would probably be a better idea for you to just shut the fuck up when people tell you to.
Just a friendly suggestion,
Doubtfish
No, sweetie. No strippers here. But my name does have eight letters in it, and I think you should conserve your energy. I’d just go to pieces if I thought you’d be here all night trying to pronounce it!
An interchangable slut. I suppose she wants a medal for doing what several dozen other tools and whores have done. Yes, a medal for the courage to do what the in crowd is doing.
PS
No one likes the in crowd, J. And what’s the J for anyways? Is that a stripper name?
I was lucky enough to stumble onto your fine website this evening, and, gentlemen, am thrilled to learn how all of you men feel about the “fairer sex.” No, really! I learned I am stupid fuck-toy who would vote for Hitler (because I just don’t know any better), and that I have nothing intelligent to say whatsoever because I don’t know “fucking anything about anything.” Gosh, how did I even manage to learn to wash and feed myself?
If I wanted to be lowbrow and crass, I’d call you a bunch of delusional assholes…but then you’d have to stop and get a dictionary. So, I’ll just say that I believe we can call the search off for the missing link. Mission: accomplished.
What the hell do you know about manliness?
Nothing, notta, Zip..
Women dont even know how to be women and yet they always telling men how to act. Such shame!
My tool is bigger than yours, catherine. By the way, how are you doing getting things off the top shelf and taking tests without that anti-male slant?