Personal Problems
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Women who take out personal ads are some of the most damaged and desperate disasters walking the face of the Earth. For women with personal ads, free is too expensive, no sex is too much, and Armenian is the new black.
Personal ads are fine for men to have. Like most things, in the hands of men a personal ad can be both tasteful and hilarious. But like stripping, binge drinking, and voting, when women do it, it’s a sign of a major fucking problem.
For women, getting a date is like a man cleaning his bathroom. To get it done, all you have to do is lower your impossible standards, or drink enough to feel comfortable showing it to your friends.
If you’re ever convinced your girlfriend is crappy enough to stop having sex with (and she most probably is), here’s a fun mantivity for you to manjoy. Point your internet browser over to the nearest personals site.
For every 5 pounds your girlfriend should lose, a personals girl should lose 20.
For every guy your girlfriend has fucked, a personals girl has fucked one twice her age.
For every joke your girlfriend doesn’t laugh at, a personals girl says “soulmate” seven times.
For every penis joke your girlfriend laughs at, a personals girl has a “date rape” anecdote.
For every bill your girlfriend hasn’t paid, a personals girl has had two cars repossessed and only one of them was hers.
For every unwanted phone call you get from your girlfriend, a personals girl will call your parents looking for you when you don’t pick up.
For every awful perfume your girlfriend has, a personals girl has ten synonyms for “big fat fuck”.
For every time your girlfriend has fallen asleep on you at 10:30, a personals girl has passed out drunk in a bar.
For every time your girlfriend brings up marriage, a personals girl has been in a cult.
For every MySpace account your girlfriend has, a personals girl has posted six nude pictures of herself on an amateur porn website with only the bottom half of her face showing .
For every secret MySpace account your girlfriend has, a personals girl has an ex-boyfriend in your town who is a cop.
For every child your girlfriend doesn’t have, a personals girl has Herpes.
You may not think your paramour is the prize pig of the fair, but you will be shocked and horrified by the other sows out there on Skid Row, wriggling around in the excrement of their self-delusion and wondering when the fuck some prince is going to swoop in and tell them they don’t need to be as gorgeous as they are because they’re so goddamn intelligent and self-aware.
Women who place personal ads are ugly as shit and dumb. The only way they could be less self-aware was if their hair was on fire.
Men, being as great as we are, are always on the lookout for what’s bigger and better and, more importantly, a hotter and therefore truer reflection of us. We especially apply these manciples to our mates. If we didn’t, human beings wouldn’t have thumbs or colons. We would still be climbing trees and shitting all over monkey-selves without the dexterity to change our pants after doing so. Think about it. Without a lust for spousal betterment, a hundred million years ago, sea-men would have just sat around, fucking whatever came their way and not giving a damn about evolution.
The Penis is the secret ingredient of evolution.
Women can thank us for the very few differences there are that separate them from chimpanzees.
Pig Shit Crazy
When women place personal ads, they have the unique ability to exhibit all negative personality traits at one time; even though some might contradict each other. Women are the Schrodinger’s Cat of Embarrassing Self-Delusion. Here’s an example.
Please do not respond if you are a superficial asshole who treats girls like a game, or if you are sexist, unmotivated, or insensitive!
I guess that’s what women call multi-tasking: looking desperate, arrogant, and used all at the same time. Here’s another gem:
I enjoy getting out for new adventures with the right person.
The picture attached to that one was about a dollar short of three bills. What adventures can you take a hippopotamus on? The Rascal ride down the dessert aisle at Ralph’s? I’m up for a new adventure too, but it isn’t climbing a flesh colored bean bag with my credit card.
Men don’t dump our most desperate masturbatory fantasies into our personal ads like we’re finger painting with Vasoline. At least I’m sure we don’t. I don’t know because I have never read a man’s personal ad. I’ve only read women’s and each one I have was more painful than the time I was tricked into reading a fan fiction script of House MD where House and Foreman have sex. But even that was better than the personal ads. At least I learned something.
Just because something you download says, “Official leaked script for fourth season House opener”, doesn’t mean that it is. It’s actually some cocksucker’s hilarious idea of a joke. Just like calling yourself spiritual doesn’t mean you’re not a cunt and calling yourself a vegan doesn’t mean you don’t sweat avocados.
Bad News, Bad News
Men don’t play Good News, Bad News with our personals ads. We don’t toss “two kids” or “anal warts” in at the end of an otherwise pleasant monologue about ourselves. That’s because we’re classier than women. Women play a game called Desperate News, Bad News with their personal ads. The Desperate News is the striking and unusual tone of a woman who isn’t acting like an arrogant bitch in everything she says, and the Bad News is the reason why.
If you can’t find anything wrong with a woman’s personal ad, she’s waiting to tell you in person.
Dating 101
Women who place personal ads must have learned how dating works through the Mystery Date board game — or by playing Henry Rollins albums in reverse and drinking paint thinner. There’s no other explanation for some of their ad requirements.
“Marriage Minded.”
No shit? A woman who’s marriage minded? How about “Eats Food” or “Breathes Air”. The first word of “settling down” is the first step to placing a personal ad. It’s implied and mentioning it is completely unnecessary unless you’re trying to look more desperate than you already do — which is impossible.
“Let’s meet and see if there’s a spark!”
What the fuck are the other options? Dial random numbers on the telephone and see if fate connects our love lines? Put all of our favorite movies and TV shows into a computer and have it spit out a Yay or Go Fuck Yourself? I bet women would love it if the government did that, since they’re all fascists.
Manclusion
If you ever take a girl out who you met on Craigslist, make sure you bring a box of See’s candy to throw at her like flak while you’re making your escape to the nearest gym. Gyms are like churches to vampires for girls who are too desperate and backwards to get guys the natural way.
I’m not saying girls who place personal ads are undateable. Actually I am. However, there are a few who are not unfuckable. Fucking them is just finishing the job their father started by smacking the crap out of them.
While I was researching this article, I discovered a new euphemism for “fat as a house” that women use in their online personal ads. It’s called “I like AdultSwim”. If her profile has any quotes from a Master Shake, it’s because she drinks three a day, and they’re not the Slim Fast variety.
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Wonderful pages! Keep up the grat work.
keep up the good work!
Dick is so funny! Dick for president……
Bumping this cuz a check for spam brought it to the forefront.
I agree with you dia. Why can’t women just relax. Have reasonably trim and fit bodies — they’re right to try and be fit — and just be comfortable in their own skin without a whole bunch of powder and chemicals pasted on top.
Otherwise they’re like Soviet men who spray on cologne to hide the fact they haven’t bathed for a week.
-wolfe
I prefer women who wear little or no makeup. Makeup always seems to mess my clothes whenever you hug them, or lipstick stains you face if they kiss you.
Women are nothing but cumbuckets and should NEVER be seen without makeup.
Is there anything worse than a broad who can’t take a joke? I mean besides baby rape, or losing a nut in a war. Other than those two things, the worst thing ever is a woman who takes the whole world so seriously that she can never relax and laugh.
I see a few of those beasts right here.
I’m sure it all boils down to a list of reasons why she ‘knows that she’s better than everyone else.’
How original in this modern angst-filled society. Some naysayers might even dare to label the superior genius-whore’s philosophy as a canned compensation mechanism. But then, that’s just me.
Funny how these stereotypes and misconceptions about prudes and tools keep being proven more often than not. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that they feel frightened that if they leave, their e-penis will shrink.
She just wants to muster some traffic for her pansy blog.
Hopefully get the other harridans off our backs as they gravitate away in packs.
.. he’s been balls deep in your mom.
4 Inch Manjoy Wonders…
Every once in a PurpleMoon I wander over the Dickless Wonder Site- you know, that place where Men are Always Better Than Women. One can read between the lines of Dickless Masturbates’ postings and guess what’s he’s been up to. Or, in …
I’m hung like a horse that’s not any attempt at ego stroking it’s just what every female I’ve been with has said.
The point is it’s irrelevant because you can be hung like a horse, have a six pack top it all off with some intelligence and still get fucked over and betrayed.
Women need a reason to backstab like bonobo apes need a reason to fuck. Its sport.
Let me get this straight, you’re criticizing me for being a good speller?
I suppose I’ll give you the metal you’re desperately wanting to receive for figuring it out, which proves you’re an attention whore…
Actually I was exaggerating. I have a 2 inch penis, it’s the stalkers like you who can’t get enough of my posts on this site which make me feel mentally complete :) I’d be a wreck without you Catherine.
Now about your 3 inch vaginal diameter, which is what you get for using those double-wide vibrators…
98% percent of the female population weighs over 268 lbs., though.
Both of you clusterfucks go get hit by cars.
I’ll oblige but only if you pay for the trip.
Pray tell, what is it with women and victimhood melodrama?
- Above & Beyond Vs. Andy Moor - Air for life
Doubt, go back to fighting the New World Order. That camp might be able to appreciate the kind of help you’re able to give.
This is the thing. It hardly matters to me whether men are better than women. It might be as true as, say, “men are taller than women”. The fact is, I’m still taller, smarter and more attractive than about 85% of the population in general. Why should I care if the 15% who are taller, smarter or more attractive than I am are mostly male or not? I’m living the good life - no need to doubt THAT, Doubt.
So go on with your bad self, Doubt. I’m sure that you’re better than a good 2% of the rest of the world.
And now, I’m going to take a break from this madness. Because it IS pretty pathetic that I’ve spent as much time on here as I have. Doubt, if you really want to hurt me, tell me I’m a loser for spending as much time on here as you apparently do.
Yawn…
Vengeful?
There’s a reason God gave you little pencil arms, shrunk you by 6 inches, took away 60% of your muscle mass, gave you a fat, bloated burden on your chest, makes you bleed every month, made your brain 10% smaller, and sapped you of any hint of nerve, will, or courage.
Now, that being said, I would be better off looking out for a man who I rightfully wronged as opposed to a cowardly tool or a gurl who doesn’t really have any direction in life.
Please don’t hurt us with your words. Surely we’ll be lacerated by you random slut from the bowels of internet animosity.
By the way, God didn’t make your twat sting when you pee. That’s all you, baby.
@Justice Well, I typed “women” instead of “woman”. And I was off by several orders of magnitude (I think it should have been to the -7 power, not -11) in a post a ways up. You could make fun of me for that, or you could just tell me all you men were having a great time here until I came along and f-ed it up in womanly fashion.
@J Thanks. This isn’t a battle though. It’s a game. ;)
@all I dunno. Some of you fellows here need some help. If all you do is troll the internet looking for evidence of brainless babes with massive boobs on prominent display you’re sure as hell going to find it.
And as long as you all keep insulting women, the only side you’ll see of a beauty with a brain is going to be her vengeful one. Why the hell would I post a picture for you guys? So one of you freaks, armed with my reverse-hashed ip, my first name, and a picture could hunt me down and kill me in a misguided attempt to prove you’re better than me? Phhht.
You know, I’ve heard several of you asking us to put up pictures, etc. Put up or shut-up! The mental picture I have of some of you could be completely wrong, you know. I mean, just because I pictured a drool-bib and a ring of filth surrounding you…I could be wrong, too!