Why Men Aren’t “Romantic”
Men aren’t romantic for the same reason we didn’t invent a sport called “Drop Rocks in a Hole.”
What’s going to happen next? Is the rock going to fall in the hole? Holy shit! Who wins?
No one. It’s just like listening to a woman. Everyone loses.
To women, “romance” is a heavily regulated choreograph of candles and shiny trinkets. Romance is flowers on Valentine’s Day. It’s remembering her favorite song after she’s told you twenty times and also put it as her ringtone. Romance is serving her a half-assed birthday breakfast in bed, or otherwise walking, not running, through a gauntlet of figurative cones like a dog for no discernible purpose other than to say you did it — and that you did it for her.
Romance means giving a woman things of no worth just so she’ll put out. Diamonds aren’t worth shit. Neither are flowers. An explanation of how Anti-lock Brake Systems work is worth something. A lesson on how maps work, no matter how condescending it is, is worth something. No woman on Earth will put out for either of those.
Men devised algebra and calculus to explain where we are in the cosmos. We discovered fire and nuclear power. We put a man on the moon. Putting fifty dollars on the charge card and running a bath does not rank in the universe of interesting things to do with our time.
If it’s so easy, why aren’t men more romantic? Like usual, the problem lies with women.
Women are simple creatures. To them, flowers showing up on the same day every year is a complicated fucking marvel like a comet would be to a primitive monkey-man. Put yourself in the place of a woman for a moment. None of them know how to call a plumber or a Pizza Hut, so they have no idea where the flowers came from. And fuck getting a job or having any money. Women have two settings when it comes to doing anything in their lives. Either it’s impossible, or it’s something she’s doing already.
That’s why women bitch instead of educating themselves or getting job skills for when their nagged-to-death husband dumps their fat ass. If she’s not already doing it, then it’s impossible.
Men aren’t “romantic” because being romantic means insulting the women we love. I wouldn’t feed my dog the same treat at the same time every day of it’s life. At best, that’s insulting to my dog’s intelligence, and at worst that’s a sick kind of emotional manipulation akin to Chinese water torture. That’s what women want though: flowers, candy, and attention in ways that are so predictable and contrived, they belong in a psychology experiment.
Our ladies deserve better than that. And since they can’t muster up any self-respect on their own, we men have to do it for them.
I’m a man. I’ll slay a dragon to get laid. But if the next dragon doesn’t have a Rubik’s cube for a face or something to assemble on it’s back, it can go fuck itself. Doing the same shit over and over again is tedious. Romance is coloring between the lines with invisible crayons.
And don’t tell me that laundry, cooking, and cleaning are tedious, like a she-octopus shooting mouth-ink all over the place in desperation. Women love all three of those things. Haven’t you seen how happy they look in the commercials?
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September 10th, 2007 at 5:20 am - IP Man-Hash: c72d3d7fa1251
Making matters worse, Dick, is that what constitutes “romantic” to a woman is almost always the product of pop culture.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 597ba7095779d
Unlike the parasite women, we have too much fucking work to do.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 19cb50505fa07
Also the fact most women are hardly satisfied and want MORE MORE MORE.
Rachael Stevens sung that song of the same name. A woman.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:44 am - IP Man-Hash: 45d1d223a1bb8
What constitutes the small amount of matter between their skulls is almost always the product of pop culture.
Welcome to women.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:47 am - IP Man-Hash: 37448798b38a4
“Romance is coloring between the lines with invisible crayons”
Dick, you are a Man poet for our times.
September 10th, 2007 at 9:17 am - IP Man-Hash: 43a15a7732fec
Heh, this may be the only article you’ve ever written that I agree completely with. The whole “flowers every Valentine’s Day” thing is pretty cliched and meaningless.
September 10th, 2007 at 9:30 am - IP Man-Hash: 919329ce1329e
Everything about women is clichéd and meaningless.
September 10th, 2007 at 10:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 9da3aa5c109f5
Alex prefers to have extra-relationship intercourse for Valentines while her boyfriend plays on the computer.
September 10th, 2007 at 10:35 am - IP Man-Hash: 43a15a7732fec
I’ve never cheated, or had extra-relationship sex at all. I just think that expecting your boyfriend to shell out $50 bucks on flowers, which don’t have any real meaning in the first place, is stupid. Not that I won’t gladly take them, I just wouldn’t expect/demand them, and I prefer more meaningful gestures.
September 10th, 2007 at 10:41 am - IP Man-Hash: 9da3aa5c109f5
A woman with fidelity is a woman who hasn’t met the right man.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 9a499096fa250
Also, diamonds are so common that they should be worth a mere fraction of what they currently are in the market. The price gauging can be blamed on women and their demands for diamonds.
September 10th, 2007 at 12:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9b7a2b3eaa486
And so they can walk around and show their jealous girlfriends
“MY BOYFRIEND LOVES ME … *HOLDS OUT HAND* THIS MUCH”
September 10th, 2007 at 12:37 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Alex is infatuated with MABTW.
- Pink Floyd - Welcome To The Machine
September 10th, 2007 at 3:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: b9dacd1603113
A fucking MEN!!!
The only reason they want any of that shit is so they can lord it over other women. They don’t care what they get, as long as it is better than what their friends got.
September 10th, 2007 at 4:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 919329ce1329e
… and the fact that someone else paid for it. We men are competitive by nature, and we also love to rub it in our competitors noses sometimes. But the main difference here is men like to gloat about their own achievements, while women want trophies paid for by someone else.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: e079861729b29
I wouldnt slay a dragon to get laid, that is bullshit. The least amount of work required to get access to slippery cunt holes the better.
September 11th, 2007 at 12:22 am - IP Man-Hash: ae179e9967da1
If a primitive monkey-man remembers there was a comet 75 years ago, he’s one intelligent monkey-man.
September 11th, 2007 at 7:12 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
Speak for yourself, Dick. I invented that game at age 5 and thought it was mantastic.
I still do today.
Except today I call that hole a “student” and those rocks “knowledge”, and the locale a “university”.
And people pay me money.
Just for dropping rocks in holes.
Mantastic.
Of course this simply proves Dick’s overarching point. There is no activity so banal that a man cannot turn it into something mantastic and lucrative.
-wolfe
September 11th, 2007 at 8:39 am - IP Man-Hash: 0264d76590fb0
Love the article but I disagree.
Men create romance, women consume it.
September 11th, 2007 at 3:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: 7faed180637fd
This is mantastic, its like you have been watching what goes on with my so- called-Girlfriend