Rubber Ducky, Fuck You’re Slow
Men are better than women at anything that goes on inside a house or anywhere. That includes making food and speaking about something worth a shit.
That also includes showering. Men are better than women at showering.
Faster means better. All men know that. See, when making statements like “faster is better”, all men realize the “so long as quality is not compromised” is implied. That’s why men are so efficient when we’re working together. It’s the universal submanconscious. If one man were to say, “These speakers would be much better if they were louder,” no other man would object to that. Clearly there is an implication of quality.
Women are so silly even if they are listening to something as simple as what I’ve just described, they fuck it up. Ideas are more than language and language is more than words, but women realize that like they realize a hole in the head. Women look at a forest and see a bunch of trees uncomfortably close to one another. They look at a box of Lego and see what looks like debris. That’s why there are never any happy little girls on Lego boxes; and also why Lego makes Spaceman sets and Pirate sets and not Tea Party sets or How to Juggle Two Sugar Daddies sets. It’s because women have no fucking sense of a goddamn thing.
Faster is better. A man has a lot of ass to kick every day and none of it is getting kicked in the shower. That’s why men are in and out in under 10 minutes. Women take like 50.
I have been investigating this peculiarity over many years and I have come to the following conclusion:
Dick’s Reasons Men Shower Better Than Women
1. Women fight gravity
In the shower, gravity is your friend. You wash the hair; you wash the face; you wash the man-ass. Whatever you’re washing that day, gravity is your shower helper monkey. Women, however, fight gravity just like they fight fucking everything else in their lives — biology included. They shave their legs first. Some paint their toenails and sit on the toilet for like ten fucking minutes completely forgetting about the shower. Whatever they do it’s dumb.
2. Women are dumb
Women forget what they’ve washed. It seems an easy thing to remember and Lord knows it’s even easier to remember for men, who have larger man-brains and are naturally inclined to work with the physical act of gravity. Women fuck it up though. They wash their left foot twice. They use six fucking kinds of soaps on their faces. What the fuck?
3. Showers are woman-safe
The technology in your shower is as old as waterfalls and boners. As a man, that disgusts the piss out of me. Showers are literally the only places left on Earth where a woman can’t fuck up a piece of technology that should cost more than her engagement ring — which she also shouldn’t have because marriage is for suckers.
This is a first hand account, people. If you want to speed up the process in the bathroom, just print these rules out and post them on the shower door. Or post the opposite. I really don’t know. Dead dogs can learn new tricks before women.
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Pumpkin tits, shut up. You’re underage. My apologies for plagiarising.
yeah we just dont talk about it.
That must be why athletes get athlete’s foot; they’re too afraid to pee in shared showers. Thanksfully I’m not.
Sy, if you find that harmless little thing repugnant, what are your thoughts on fellatio?
However, if memory serves me right, you’ve already touched on that disparagingly somewhere on the site already.
It’s also a natural remedy for athelete’s foot.
-Dick
People peeing in the shower?
Let’s hope most people don’t do that. If so you should all stop doing that.. That is pretty disgusting. Yeah yeah it’s washed off.. but still. eww
I always thought the second wash was to get rid of the cucumber and sage and the 43 added vitamins.
I’ve always found an examination of the labels on the many and varied shampoo and conditioner bottles to be quite amusing. I rarely see one that doesn’t have a reference to “science”. You’ll always find a blurb about special “scientific formulas” or references to groundbreaking “scientific research”. Women are really gullible and so easily trained to respond to certain keywords in potentially profitable ways. Other examples could be “wrinklefree”, “lose weight”, “horoscope”, “ten easy ways to…”.
I don’t garden. I harvest.
It’s easier to run the razor round the old fella every so often. I discovered in my earlier basketball days that pubic hair and the adjacent organs can have painful encounters in a predominantly up and down game.
Excellent water conservation.
Yes.
What the fuck? Go away smrtpants.
-Dick
No they aren’t people and they are the ones who say “ewww” to everything. The acid in urine is good for keeping the drain clean.
I thought everyone peed in the shower, but then again, are women really people?
Do women pee in the shower as well? At least I don’t get any on me.
W00t?! I just scrub down with laundry soap and just enough water from the faucet to be able to work up a thick foam everywhere and then, well, shower to rinse it off.
Then a quick trot to the bedroom where I sit on a plastic stool watching tely while I shiver my ass off drying through evaporation so I don’t have to hassle with towels. Shitty experience come wintertime.
WTF? She made me laugh!
I guess it was because I was already giddy off of Big Al’s well constructed humor.
But I have to give credit where credit is due, she was indeed funny.
you forgot to include…
- trim the trim
…on both lists…’gardeners’ need work too!
Thiongs. Fuck.
For the women reading, that would be “things”.
-Big Al
You’re absolutely correct, Dick.
Here are the ways in which men and women shower:
How to shower like a woman:-
* Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to whites and coloured.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
* If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
* Get in shower.
* Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
* Wash hair again to make sure it is clean.
* Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
* Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
* Wash entire rest of body with ginger-nut and jaffa cake body wash.
* Shave armpits and legs.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
* Get out off shower.
* Dry with towel the size of a small country.
* Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
* Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
* Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
* If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.
How to Shower Like A Man
* Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed.
* Leave in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom.
* If you see wife along the way, shake knob at her making woo-hoo sound
* Look at manly physique in the mirror.
* Admire size of your knob and scratch your ass.
* Get in the shower.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
* Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
* Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
* Wash your butt leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
* Shampoo hair.
* Make shampoo mohawk.
* Pee.
* Rinse off and get out of shower.
* Partially dry-off.
* Fail to notice water on floor.
* Admire knob size in mirror again.
* Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
* Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
* If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noise again.
* Throw wet towel on bed
Hope this clears thiongs up.
-Big Al
50 minutes? Fuck that is a disgrace.