I’ll Take How To Fuck My Life Up For 1000, Alex.
Everyone knows the old saying, “Don’t let a bald man cut your hair.” It sticks because the guy’s bald and that’s funny first of all, but it’s also poignant. Having no hair of his own for who knows how long, the bald man has probably lost some of his touch when it comes to dealing with your foliculas. Or perhaps he has seen the light of the Chrome Dome — and enjoyed some of the more esoteric benefits of the bald life-style, and will now attempt to convert you without your consent. Whatever happens, you’re not getting your fucking hair cut.
Today I propose a similar saying for posterity which is based on the same theme: someone with no frame of reference, no experience, and no fucking clue at all shouldn’t be doing something that will result in the failure and sabotage of another.
Here it comes…
Never ask a fucking woman for relationship advice!
In this case, the bald man, AKA the clueless jerk, has been changed to a woman. As we all know, women have no clue how to behave in a relationship — or have a relationship at all. Women can’t even manage careers and relationships at the same time. That’s why there’s single women over thirty. I mean for fuck’s sake, men have been doing that since the first human being got hungry for the first time. It’s a bit unfair to the bald man, but there’s not saying that says, “Don’t let lice cut your hair,” because that’s gross and no one would ever say it so the barber will have to do.
The latter half of the saying: the hair cutting and the advice giving by a woman can easily be extrapolated into catastrophe. A huge fucking catastrophe.
If you haven’t experienced this phenomenon on your own, I highly recommend it as a source of entertainment. Simply fabricate a relationship problem. A simple relationship problem with a simple solution — the simpler the better, and ask a woman for help.
Here’s an example if you have better things to do than sit around and think up bullshit problems. You’re a man so obviously you don’t have any experience in doing that.
My spouse has a methadone problem, what should I do?
Or
My girlfriend is pregnant, what should I do?
Ho boy. If you thought making women spell was hilarious, wait until you hear the cluster fuck of stupid brainstorms that comes out of their mouths when they try their hands at relationship advice. Women are God’s MadLibs, the sentences fly and its wacky fun and silliness for everyone — as long as your idea of wacky fun and silliness contain the words “support”, “true love”, and “soul mate” lighting up the bullshit mound like a fucking Christmas tree.
Obviously any man in the same position will do the only sensible thing, take you to the bus station himself, and buy you a one-way ticket. Women are not evaluators. We know that. They don’t realize that when you’re stuck between a rock and a fucked place, you just need to cut anchor. That’s why so many women get the shit kicked out of them, because they listen to their own advice.
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September 13th, 2005 at 3:25 pm - IP Man-Hash: f397625caf295
This is a little off-topic, but relevant to Dick’s point of view.
Never FULLY trust a woman (unless she’s an old woman past menopause–in which case she probably is a bit more trustworthy)
I am married, and my wife is pretty cool–for a woman (she’s good in the sack, gives it up to me whenever I want, and she laughs at my jokes at the right time). But, bear in mind, she is a woman. And women CANNOT control their emotions very well. They also think they are better than men when all of us here know that is wrong.
When women know everything and don’t cling to us like helpless children, I look forward to the peace and quiet. They’ll be back ,though, because they NEED men. They’re like kids who want to run off and join the circus–only to find out that they can’t really make it on their own.
If you don’t agree with this, you’re either a chick, or you’re a guy who is pretending to be incensed by our statements here only so you can impress some femi-ninny. Fuck off, either way, traitor.
September 14th, 2005 at 2:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 7cafc309a7d82
Jason
“The old man was right”. I find myself saying this time and again. What am I talking about?
Many years ago, I read a letter in a newspaper from a guy who said he was 80 years old or something, and asserted: “Never listen to a woman. They are all barmy.”
At the time, I thought it was the old fool that was barmy. Of course there are sensible women, and the barmy ones are a small minority.
But as time went by, I was forced to change my opinion, and I began to see what the old man was driving at. Women may express sensible opinions, but only for a certain period. Sooner or later, they show their true barminess. It’s just a question of time before it becomes apparent. And no matter how intelligent or well educated the woman is, the barminess is still lurking under the surface. Take them out of their field of expertise, and out will come a truly barmy opinion. Sometimes you don’t even have to leave their field of expertise.
Yes, the old man was right.
As for Dick’s point: yes sirree, I often wonder how women collared the market in relationship advice when they are so obviously hopeless at relationships. I guess talking endlessly round in circles about a problem without ever actually solving it has come to be a substitute for being a proper expert. Either that, or it’s just that men don’t waste their time with such drivel so the arena is left for women to make up the rules and set their own standards. Ergo chaos.
Now, where did I read that relationship counsellors who home in on trauma victims like vultures actually do more long term harm than good…?
Like I say: the old man was right.
September 26th, 2005 at 9:50 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
(Work with me here…)
Well I have a problem, and I need the male perspective.
My best friends boyfriend just broke up with her because get this “he thinks of her more as a sister and just wants to be friends” What a load of bull shit.
I cant help but wonder why a guy would give up regular sex for friendship with a woman.
She wants to get back with him and is being best buds with him etc..
My advice to her would be to cut him out of her life, because if he gets what he wants and they are good friends, then he wont miss her. But… if she doesnt speak to him then he will miss her and want her back.
What would you guys suggest?
September 26th, 2005 at 9:53 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Who cares.
-Dick
September 26th, 2005 at 10:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 7cafc309a7d82
Nicole
He wants to break up with her, but is trying to be polite and not hurt her feelings. Just read the signs, it’s no great mystery. So yes, tell her to give him up and stop making a pest of herself.
I think we have just proved my above point…
BTW, I like your site, a barrel of laughs. Hopefully that’s what you intended…
September 26th, 2005 at 10:31 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Stop making a pest of herself! Classic, Paul! If you’re referring to the women’s responses then yes they can be amusing. The site, however, is absolutely not a joke. I’m completely serious.
-Dick
September 26th, 2005 at 10:39 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Well see the thing is Paul, he keeps on calling herand trying to be friends etc, so I think thats what he really wants.
September 26th, 2005 at 10:46 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
You know what, Nicole. I’m going to answer this question in a new series of articles called Ask Dick. I would thank you for the idea, but it was mine. You’re just the clueless fodder.
-Dick
September 26th, 2005 at 10:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Fine except I wasn’t asking you I was asking Paul.
Besides Dick, when someone inspires you to do something that means they were their insperation, and deserve thanks. But I wouldn’t expect someone as rude as you to thank me.
September 26th, 2005 at 11:16 am - IP Man-Hash: 681f2e2cfc31a
Dear Dick,
I find myself annoyed by the opposite sex. They always come off as shallow, insincere, and opportunistic. They don’t seem to have personalities of their own, and many of them live vicariously through the personalities of their boyfriends or husbands. Oh yeah, and they also seem to think stating the obvious or conversing about mundane daily shit constitutes conversation. Is it me or are women next-to-useless?
–Baffled in Baltimore
September 26th, 2005 at 12:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 56806c0431943
Dear jason
It’s comments like “I find myself annoyed by the opposite sex. They always come off as shallow, insincere, and opportunistic” which completely discredit you when you also claim to like your mother, sisters, aunts etc.
Your a walking contradiction.
- Had enough in Hazlemere
March 1st, 2007 at 10:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: 73f9de907ea55
Nicole if your gettin so much sex along with the rest of the women on here then why are you patrolling this site. If were fags and cant get women then your a feminist rugg-MUNCHER that cant do anything but shampoo her fat lesbian girlfriends vagina and eat it. Why are you over here judging us when theres ALOT of feminist sites that condone slandering men in jokes about us being dogs, with no minds but for sex and makes us sound like jealous pricks. Just go away no one will EVER take what you or any woman says to heart.
March 2nd, 2007 at 8:19 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
shampoo? Are you mad? Lesbos don’t do that, it’ll take away the dead-fish smell.
March 4th, 2007 at 9:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 73f9de907ea55
no im not mad at all thank you lol.
March 10th, 2007 at 6:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 796c1d8aebfd3
women are just there for man to fuk
March 13th, 2007 at 3:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 1058eaab83bd8
and do they ever fuck you?
March 13th, 2007 at 3:26 am - IP Man-Hash: 0dc060b16a9bd
Always obsessed with sex. Law of Women.
March 13th, 2007 at 6:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Silly woman! Women don’t fuck men. Women have vaginas, and therefore women can be fucked. Men have the penises, so men do the fucking. And women are relatively easy to fuck, because all you need is some cash since every woman is a whore.
May 10th, 2007 at 8:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 39b376e7a662c
(Work with me here…)
Nicole, the guy found a better lay? Duh…!
Dick is right again but he doesn’t go far enough. Most women cant really give relationship advice because what they SAY they want and what they REALLY want (as shown by who they wind up with!) For example how many women have you heard say “I want a nice guy, likes kids, can support me, sensitive, blabla bla etc.” Meanwhile when a nice guy comes along they find him dull and the relationship lasts as long as a flashlight left on overnight. What they REALLY want is a jerk who treats them like crap, then they have something to bitch about to their girlfriends and be a victim, and somebody to try to change (but never will). Moreover many a woman has spent a whole entire lifetime trying to change their stupid, thoughtless, inconsiderate, insensitive jerk. The point: women dont know what the hell they want in a guy, never will, and the second some guy comes even close they are instantly bored and the guy is history. Thus, why most women are generally no good at relationship advice - because they have absolutely NO clue on how to manage their own ditto!
May 16th, 2007 at 12:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: eeba794edf05a
There is thing Ive noticed time and time again about women in relationships. They want the bad boy who says fuck the rules and everything else. Then its nag, bitch, and moan about evrything that attracted them to you in the first place. If you give in, and I almost always have, then its all of the sudden “you’ve changed.” Next thing you know they are fucking one of your buddies that you used to run with. Its completely my bad for giving in and changing myself to please some fucking woman that knows they cant make it on their own. I will never find myself in this predicament again. The only conclusion Ive been able to come up with after countless failed relationships is that women are clueless in what they want and impossible to please. I enjoy treating them accordingly. I sincerly believe women are merely searching for another daddy since they wore out the one that gave them life. FUCK em
May 16th, 2007 at 12:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: eeba794edf05a
Nicole,
I bet the guy your speaking of is just tired of have to deal with the endless emotional responsibility that your friend places on him. I bet she’s constantly nagging him about how she’s not happy, and makes it his problem. I bet he really likes her, except for the fact that he has his own emotions to deal with and is sick and tired of putting himself second to hers. Tell her to just go with thefriend bit if she wants to keep him around, or leave him if not. Either way, shes doing him a favor. Tell him I said bravo.
May 16th, 2007 at 5:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: 074743c03628c
Wise.
May 17th, 2007 at 4:28 am - IP Man-Hash: 845f4e3636564
Sad, but true. I’ve been saying that all along.
June 4th, 2007 at 2:28 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6a7de0d3ef70b
Women are useless. It’s hard to find someone who actually isn’t. I doubt there is a useful woman in this day and age. I havn’t found any use for any woman yet, nor a woman who is actually fun to speak with.
June 27th, 2007 at 6:22 am - IP Man-Hash: 0edc87a160c4c
My point is the reason I would want a woman to work is so that I get the money. If they get a job and have an education that would be nice then when they come home from work and I get off work they give me the money from their paycheck and I bye what I want them to have.
June 27th, 2007 at 7:04 am - IP Man-Hash: ccf3bc782b7e2
Henrich, you summed up basically whats there to be said. Spectacular.
So true indeed, what women want isnt what they ask for, so always just give them the reverse for eg. if your girlfriend says “Let me do the decision making” - Its actually her cue for you to tell her to shut the fuck up because she is being completely retarded. Of course, a slippery slope can be developed if one includes “rape” into this concept. any thoughts?
July 12th, 2007 at 3:07 pm - IP Man-Hash: 86aca955a3a1b
Wow… I don’t know where you guys live or the kind of women you are meeting, but I can think of at least a dozen women I know that are shit load of fun to talk to and do things with (and fuck).
And I can think of a dozen more that are smarter than I am and make plenty more money than I do, and I own an ad agency and do pretty damn well…
However, relationship advice is a tough one. It’s just two completely different points of view, and I have learned my lesson about taking relationship advice from a woman. Men want casual sex and the excitement of the conquest… most women want to feel taken care of and have kids.
July 12th, 2007 at 3:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: 45a19a6365772
Are you trying to accomplish something, miss?
August 1st, 2007 at 8:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: b619c40843570
What the fuck is wrong with you fucking people using the fucked up fucking word fuck !! GET OVER IT and develop some respect for women ! we are men ! we should know how to treat a woman ! and dick doesnt know shit about anything. probably he got kicked off a couple of time thats why he poured down his anger in this Article ! But the real point is that not all women are the same ! for god sake you are womans’s child ! atleast have some respect for your mother !
August 6th, 2007 at 3:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: cb5603e047596
Seriously you go on about respect but you can’t even respect that people are allowed to have their own opinions. No one is forcing you to come to this site and comment on it, there are god knows how many feminst sites, racists sites and religious sites, who gives a shit people are different and have the right to their own fucking opinions without some random guy coming on here, acting all high and mighty and telling them they are wrong. Sure you can think that cause thats your opinion and if your allowed to think we are wrong then we are allowed to think we are right.
Also just because someones a woman or your mother means shit all, guess what my mother is an esctasy taking slut who I havn’t spoken to since I was 12 does she deserve respect? And before anyone says it, this is not the reason I have certain views on women I have given countless women countless chances and have beeen fucked over. I don’t agree with everything Dick says but I think he does make some good points and I admire that he has the balls to say and stick to them.
I don’t hate women but I certainly don’t trust them, and I think that having a relationship with one can be like looking after a child ( I have a girlfriend who I do love but sometimes I swear to god shes harder work than my brothers children).
One last thing women want equal rights? Well say if women are treated exactly like men I bet they will still expect us to open doors for them, pay for them on dates, carry things for them, tip-toe around their emotions and protect them. But to a feminist that pretty much sums up equality.
And to any women or men like Hasan who have a problem with what I’m saying, either give constructive arguements or fuck off because you aint gonna change MY
August 6th, 2007 at 3:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: cb5603e047596
opinion.
Sorry for talking in two posts keyboard is low on battery and didn’t type the last word.
August 22nd, 2007 at 2:22 am - IP Man-Hash: b24fa70c8e643
Hasan, you are terribly mistaken with your perceptions. I must point out the grave error you unconsciously make.
Men of integrity and honor grant AUTOMATIC respect to ALL other people, unconditionally. Say that a few times over before you read on…
A person who HAS anothers respect, then needs to behave in such a way that s(he), does not risk LOSING that respect.
If women choose to jeapordise the privilege of being respected through shitty behaviour or outright assholicness, their right to “respect” is forfeit.
Short version: Respect is NOT earned, it’s retained.
If women are good at only one thing, it’s losing our respect. This is most likely due to them being lazy, manipulative entitlement whores.
I didn’t use the word “fuck”, but I hope I made a clear fucking point.
August 22nd, 2007 at 6:05 am - IP Man-Hash: ccf3bc782b7e2
Only women hate the word “fuck”. Its manly. Men use it. I dont give a shit how you feel bitch. The problem is not how “fucked” we men are; its how women have fucked things up for us so we landed here. Did I say “fuck”, you “dumb fuck”?
April 9th, 2008 at 6:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5a5b24c98a345
One quarter of the female population on earth have its priorities in the wrong place, I won’t mention which quarter. Sixty Five years ago during the height of the female liberation movement accelerated and propelled by World War II, Housewives, single women in their 20’s were called to duty. In a society mainly controlled by men which subsequently were away at war. Women were looked upon as very important proponent in the cause of war. Many females were factory workers,and some held construction jobs also taking mens positions in the corporate world that were vacant at that time. Progress had to be made for that great nation to survive.
Along came the 60’s peace and love reined supreme , hippies and drugs was the thing. Men started shoot up heroin smoke marijuana, becoming softer and loosing controll giving women more and more responsibilties and positions of authority. Men started to loose their grip on things. the 80’s come about men start to realize they have been in a drunken stuper for the past ten years. Men start to snort cocaine hoping it makes us more exciting, energetic, hyper, but we did not realize it was making us dumber and more dependant on womens acceptance.During this absence of a mans mind and influence during these 2 decades Women had to step it up and fill the shoes of men. What do we do? instead of empowering our women and help them raise our children properly,What do we do? we escape we leave . Lets face it guys we created this Monster. Now we compete with women in corporate jobs , they no longer need a man in the house to raise the kids, surrogate fathers or sperm donors for lesbian couples.
Lets face it gentlemen its time to take control again and become masters of our own destiny again lets leave the past behind us and move forward from this point on. Its time to take the nerd glasses off, reach between your legs and act like you have a pair. Next time a women tells you what to do let her know what time it is…….
Bottom line you cant change evolution “girls”
May 29th, 2008 at 6:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 062703d978411
“A woman who’s fun to speak with…” This poor kid over on YouTube! Lad can’t be more than 22yrs. old, and he’s already got his complaint summarized liked a 60yr. old man-nearly verbatim to the above. “Go make yourself useful!” That’s an old one, but true one. Everything I’m hearing sounds like relationships that are perfunctory bullshit due to financial dependency.
Define what constitutes a ‘useful woman’; hang it up on a billboard on every expressway in America….and….
Assist Dick in case against women drivers.