I’ll Take How To Fuck My Life Up For 1000, Alex.
Everyone knows the old saying, “Don’t let a bald man cut your hair.” It sticks because the guy’s bald and that’s funny first of all, but it’s also poignant. Having no hair of his own for who knows how long, the bald man has probably lost some of his touch when it comes to dealing with your foliculas. Or perhaps he has seen the light of the Chrome Dome — and enjoyed some of the more esoteric benefits of the bald life-style, and will now attempt to convert you without your consent. Whatever happens, you’re not getting your fucking hair cut.
Today I propose a similar saying for posterity which is based on the same theme: someone with no frame of reference, no experience, and no fucking clue at all shouldn’t be doing something that will result in the failure and sabotage of another.
Here it comes…
Never ask a fucking woman for relationship advice!
In this case, the bald man, AKA the clueless jerk, has been changed to a woman. As we all know, women have no clue how to behave in a relationship — or have a relationship at all. Women can’t even manage careers and relationships at the same time. That’s why there’s single women over thirty. I mean for fuck’s sake, men have been doing that since the first human being got hungry for the first time. It’s a bit unfair to the bald man, but there’s not saying that says, “Don’t let lice cut your hair,” because that’s gross and no one would ever say it so the barber will have to do.
The latter half of the saying: the hair cutting and the advice giving by a woman can easily be extrapolated into catastrophe. A huge fucking catastrophe.
If you haven’t experienced this phenomenon on your own, I highly recommend it as a source of entertainment. Simply fabricate a relationship problem. A simple relationship problem with a simple solution — the simpler the better, and ask a woman for help.
Here’s an example if you have better things to do than sit around and think up bullshit problems. You’re a man so obviously you don’t have any experience in doing that.
My spouse has a methadone problem, what should I do?
Or
My girlfriend is pregnant, what should I do?
Ho boy. If you thought making women spell was hilarious, wait until you hear the cluster fuck of stupid brainstorms that comes out of their mouths when they try their hands at relationship advice. Women are God’s MadLibs, the sentences fly and its wacky fun and silliness for everyone — as long as your idea of wacky fun and silliness contain the words “support”, “true love”, and “soul mate” lighting up the bullshit mound like a fucking Christmas tree.
Obviously any man in the same position will do the only sensible thing, take you to the bus station himself, and buy you a one-way ticket. Women are not evaluators. We know that. They don’t realize that when you’re stuck between a rock and a fucked place, you just need to cut anchor. That’s why so many women get the shit kicked out of them, because they listen to their own advice.
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women are just there for man to fuk
no im not mad at all thank you lol.
shampoo? Are you mad? Lesbos don’t do that, it’ll take away the dead-fish smell.
Nicole if your gettin so much sex along with the rest of the women on here then why are you patrolling this site. If were fags and cant get women then your a feminist rugg-MUNCHER that cant do anything but shampoo her fat lesbian girlfriends vagina and eat it. Why are you over here judging us when theres ALOT of feminist sites that condone slandering men in jokes about us being dogs, with no minds but for sex and makes us sound like jealous pricks. Just go away no one will EVER take what you or any woman says to heart.
Dear jason
It’s comments like “I find myself annoyed by the opposite sex. They always come off as shallow, insincere, and opportunistic” which completely discredit you when you also claim to like your mother, sisters, aunts etc.
Your a walking contradiction.
- Had enough in Hazlemere
Dear Dick,
I find myself annoyed by the opposite sex. They always come off as shallow, insincere, and opportunistic. They don’t seem to have personalities of their own, and many of them live vicariously through the personalities of their boyfriends or husbands. Oh yeah, and they also seem to think stating the obvious or conversing about mundane daily shit constitutes conversation. Is it me or are women next-to-useless?
–Baffled in Baltimore
Fine except I wasn’t asking you I was asking Paul.
Besides Dick, when someone inspires you to do something that means they were their insperation, and deserve thanks. But I wouldn’t expect someone as rude as you to thank me.
You know what, Nicole. I’m going to answer this question in a new series of articles called Ask Dick. I would thank you for the idea, but it was mine. You’re just the clueless fodder.
-Dick
Well see the thing is Paul, he keeps on calling herand trying to be friends etc, so I think thats what he really wants.
Stop making a pest of herself! Classic, Paul! If you’re referring to the women’s responses then yes they can be amusing. The site, however, is absolutely not a joke. I’m completely serious.
-Dick
Nicole
He wants to break up with her, but is trying to be polite and not hurt her feelings. Just read the signs, it’s no great mystery. So yes, tell her to give him up and stop making a pest of herself.
I think we have just proved my above point…
BTW, I like your site, a barrel of laughs. Hopefully that’s what you intended…
Who cares.
-Dick
(Work with me here…)
Well I have a problem, and I need the male perspective.
My best friends boyfriend just broke up with her because get this “he thinks of her more as a sister and just wants to be friends” What a load of bull shit.
I cant help but wonder why a guy would give up regular sex for friendship with a woman.
She wants to get back with him and is being best buds with him etc..
My advice to her would be to cut him out of her life, because if he gets what he wants and they are good friends, then he wont miss her. But… if she doesnt speak to him then he will miss her and want her back.
What would you guys suggest?
Jason
“The old man was right”. I find myself saying this time and again. What am I talking about?
Many years ago, I read a letter in a newspaper from a guy who said he was 80 years old or something, and asserted: “Never listen to a woman. They are all barmy.”
At the time, I thought it was the old fool that was barmy. Of course there are sensible women, and the barmy ones are a small minority.
But as time went by, I was forced to change my opinion, and I began to see what the old man was driving at. Women may express sensible opinions, but only for a certain period. Sooner or later, they show their true barminess. It’s just a question of time before it becomes apparent. And no matter how intelligent or well educated the woman is, the barminess is still lurking under the surface. Take them out of their field of expertise, and out will come a truly barmy opinion. Sometimes you don’t even have to leave their field of expertise.
Yes, the old man was right.
As for Dick’s point: yes sirree, I often wonder how women collared the market in relationship advice when they are so obviously hopeless at relationships. I guess talking endlessly round in circles about a problem without ever actually solving it has come to be a substitute for being a proper expert. Either that, or it’s just that men don’t waste their time with such drivel so the arena is left for women to make up the rules and set their own standards. Ergo chaos.
Now, where did I read that relationship counsellors who home in on trauma victims like vultures actually do more long term harm than good…?
Like I say: the old man was right.
This is a little off-topic, but relevant to Dick’s point of view.
Never FULLY trust a woman (unless she’s an old woman past menopause–in which case she probably is a bit more trustworthy)
I am married, and my wife is pretty cool–for a woman (she’s good in the sack, gives it up to me whenever I want, and she laughs at my jokes at the right time). But, bear in mind, she is a woman. And women CANNOT control their emotions very well. They also think they are better than men when all of us here know that is wrong.
When women know everything and don’t cling to us like helpless children, I look forward to the peace and quiet. They’ll be back ,though, because they NEED men. They’re like kids who want to run off and join the circus–only to find out that they can’t really make it on their own.
If you don’t agree with this, you’re either a chick, or you’re a guy who is pretending to be incensed by our statements here only so you can impress some femi-ninny. Fuck off, either way, traitor.