Size Matters

Which of these assholes would you hire to run your company?

I’m going to explain why you chose the one you did because I like explaining obvious shit in a humorous way. That’s why I wrote Men Are Better Than Women — on sale now.

What could be more obvious than men are better than women? Look at the size of our fucking heads!

Now, I’m going to mix up the players and make the question a bit trickier. Which one of the following candidates would you hire to do your taxes, teach your kids, replace your pancreas, engineer your bridge, or do just about any goddamn thing mankind has done since the beginning of time except pop out a clone or suck your cock?

You would choose the man because he’s got experience.

All things being equal, a bigger brain is going to produce better results. Even children know that. In fact, it takes nearly two decades to beat it out of them. That process starts with Sesame Street telling boys it’s okay to play with dolls and ends with an MBA.

By the way, let’s talk about boys and dolls. Have you ever heard one of those horseshit feminist studies where boys sometimes choose dolls over trucks when presented with no coercion or incentive to do otherwise? Thus proving that boys and girls are the same when society doesn’t shove them into little Davy Jones hats and Betty Crocker ovens?

What they don’t tell you about those studies is that the boys picked up the Barbie dolls and used them as swords. You can’t sword fight with a Tonka truck and feminists don’t know how to stock a playroom for boys.

Men, being larger than women, have brains that are approximately 10-17% larger than those of women. Men’s brains are also 100% less full of shit.

Human beings use 100% of our brains. Forget anything that your high school English teacher told you about the bio-mechanics of your head. We do not use 10% of our brains and I don’t want an overpaid babysitter talking about advanced neuroscience. Stick to what you know: babysitting.

If it was true that humans used only 10% of our brains, our heads would be the size of racquetballs and 90% of our brain would have fallen off with our gills, tail, and inability to pretend we give a shit about the women we’re talking to. Evolution is why men can pretend to care.

The point is, man-brains are bigger, and they’re bigger for a reason. Men need more brains to move our more muscles around. We also need the parts of the brain that tell us not to cry at work or stay married to a guy who fucked our sister because “it was dark and she was in our bed.” Dark? It’s called Date Rape. Men need bigger brains because if we didn’t have them, math and physics would have nowhere to live.

“In women, verbal intelligence was clearly correlated with brain size, accounting for 36 percent of the verbal IQ score,” says a study done by McMaster University researchers. “Spatial intelligence was also correlated with brain size in women, but less strongly.”

If women can’t talk about something, they can’t understand it. That’s why they fucking suck at math and listening. You can’t listen better by talking.

“In men, spatial ability was not related to overall brain size. These results suggest that women may use verbal strategies in spatial thinking, but that in men, verbal and spatial thinking are more distinct.”

And by “are more distinct”, I’m sure the researchers meant “exist”.

Women and their shit-brains have evolved to do nothing more than talk, and apparently their ability to do so is entirely dependent on the size of their heads. Men, on the other hand, are created equal — no matter how big our brains are.

“In a further sex difference, brain size decreased with age in men over the age span of 25 to 80 years, but age hardly affected brain size in women.”

The greatest man minds in history have done their greatest work at an early age for one reason: man brains fall apart under the stress of greatness. Man brains are like super charged dragsters pointed out across an oblivion of asphalt that leads to a cure for cancer, clean renewable energy, and a pile of cash bigger than Everest. We can go for it as fast as we want, but one thing’s certain: those tires aren’t going to last forever.

Women, however, can accomplish nothing just as well at 80 as they did at 30. Except at 80, no one wants to fuck them badly enough to tell them they’re smart.

A thousand studies have been done attempting to correlate cross-gender intelligence to brain size, brain density, the ratio of brain mass to body muscle mass (keep in mind that women are way fatter than men), the ratio of brain mass to height, and the density of neurons and neural pathways; but somehow, the only thing these studies have concluded is that while men have larger and better brains than women, we’re all supposed to believe that women have miraculously cobbled together perfectly respectable thinking machines out of an ability to constantly run their mouths and an emotional cortex that looks like broken sewage pipe on full blast — in spite of the fact that women have never invented shit and never seem to know a goddamn thing about science, politics, or anything that isn’t featured heavily on PerezHilton.com.

Maybe that’s true. Or maybe one time the president of Harvard got fucking fired for suggesting men were slightly better than women at math and now everyone is scared shitless. When women enter academia, the knot in their panties becomes a knot in the hose of scientific progress.

The only brain study I care about was done by Dmitri Belyaev in 1959. In it, Dmitri concluded that the domestication of animals decreases their brain size as it weeds out aggression, independence, and intelligence, and promotes tendencies toward socialization. Thanks to Dmitri, we know why women have smaller brains. They were domesticated by men.

Dmitri’s Research
Study by McMaster University

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