Steel Magnolias Can Eat Shit.
When us men want to sink our teeth into only the very manliest (and therefore best) of cinema, we turn to the greats: Die Hard, Tremors, Caddyshack. Then, after we’ve whet our appetites with those warm-ups, we turn to one of the man-est movies of all of time: Dr. Strangelove.
This movie is everything that a great movie should be, because it is itself the very apogee of all things man.
Firstly, it’s good because it was written by a man. That can’t be said for all movies — only good ones. Men are better than women at writing movies because men have a firm grasp of reason and chronology whereas women have a firm grasp of fuck-all. That’s a British way to say “fucking nothing”. As a man I know how people talk all around the world, while women can barely pronounce “nuclear”.
If you want to hear a story as told by a woman, try listening to her tell you about her day. Surprise, surprise! You can’t because it’s completely impossible. It’s like listening to a Madlib backwards. You wouldn’t think a woman’s actions could make less sense, but somehow when she retells them to you, they actually fucking do.
Events in women’s stories happen in orders that are wildly implausible. And even worse, you know that nothing funny is going to be coming up because she wouldn’t have even noticed it in the first place.
Women never notice anything funny. If you want to get away with something a woman doesn’t want you doing, just do it in a giant foam cowboy hat. To any woman in the vicinity, you’ll go from “about to be busted” to “totally fucking invisible” in like two seconds — because those hats are hilarious and her mind will block you out.
Dr. Strangelove takes a good hard look at things through this lens of man-reason, putting women in the sole role of answering a phone while the man of the house is otherwise occupied (keep in mind that this movie was invented years before the answering machine), and letting men do what men do best and way better than women: run everything and tell everyone on Earth what the fuck to do and how they’re doing it the fuck wrong.
All women have to offer in response is the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Dumbo’s magic feather didn’t make him fly. Just like a bunch of women getting together and pretending they don’t secretly hate the fuck out of each other isn’t going to make it magically happen.
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June 21st, 2005 at 8:05 am - IP Man-Hash: b058df32493bc
Dickhead wrote- “The Duster’s comment is based on man’s ability to know everything — to learn and better himself. Women do not have this ability. They can only learn about things that come with perfume samples.”
Perhaps you should base you assessment on ALL women and not just gender steriotypes? A suggestion that you would do well to follow.
June 22nd, 2005 at 10:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0bf2e538fce28
Dick, the expression is “derring-do”.
June 22nd, 2005 at 10:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: ac62c77584632
Thanks for the correction, E. I’ve changed the mistake because that’s just what men do when we make mistakes. We admit it and then make it right.
-Dick
June 23rd, 2005 at 3:29 am - IP Man-Hash: b9ccf0bcef0c9
It’s good of you to explain that, Dick.
It’s so rare for men to make mistakes that most people simply don’t know what happens on the few occasions when we do.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:11 am - IP Man-Hash: c9adc407188f8
Oh really Dick, is that why when I corrected you on the number of female presidents you neither admitted it nor made it right.
Or do you just have selective reading syndrome?
June 23rd, 2005 at 3:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: cc0d45fa29251
selective reading syndrome? So original, so unbelievably immature. Get over yourself already and lean to cook and be useful.
June 24th, 2005 at 2:28 am - IP Man-Hash: c9adc407188f8
Yeah that’s what I thought, instead of Dick doing the intelligent thing, admitting his mistake and correcting it, The Duster has shielded him from hurting his fragile ego by insulting me about something completely irrelevant.
Bravo men. Really…
June 24th, 2005 at 2:53 am - IP Man-Hash: b9ccf0bcef0c9
I’m offended that a girly movie even uses a manly word like “Steel”.
June 24th, 2005 at 11:13 am - IP Man-Hash: 26390a6c57528
Girly movies? Do all women like girly movies? I don’t think so, my favourite film is ‘A Clockwork Orange’, why make a film resonant of the feminine gender?
June 24th, 2005 at 1:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: e351c06bc38d4
my favourite movies are split, showing how this idea of girly and manly movies are wrong - sure i like die hard, beverly hills cops and the rambos and matrix trillogies. Howeer i also like the green mile and (something which people i know have branded a girly movie) “Feild of dreams” which have completely different subtexts and romantic and “soppy” themes.
June 25th, 2005 at 3:13 am - IP Man-Hash: c9adc407188f8
I notice Dick still hasn’t admitted he was wrong, apparently he isn’t capable of it.
Well Dick, got anything to say?
June 25th, 2005 at 5:43 am - IP Man-Hash: 431e5b72d5dd7
Hello Tom. I like the green mile too, not as much a girly film as Bridgette Jones or something but it has a degree of emotional sentimentality to it, so you could call it ‘girly’.
Dick only admitts he’s wrong after half a bottle of Jack and a slapping from his Mrs/Mr/random person who he came onto on the street.
June 25th, 2005 at 6:37 am - IP Man-Hash: e351c06bc38d4
bridgette jones was ok, not great tho.
oh no i just admitted watching it :(
have u read my theorm that dick is actually a woman?
June 25th, 2005 at 12:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: 1f1cc903e9896
Yes. Does it matter? Some people still truely believe that men are superior to women so what I have to say still has worth. Bridgette Jones was crap.
June 27th, 2005 at 9:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: cc0d45fa29251
Men-
Note that the womn have totally changed the topic of this thread into a steaming pile of shit about chick flicks. Way to go ladies, you’ve managed to vandalized the MANley brilliance of this website yet again.
June 27th, 2005 at 10:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: b9ccf0bcef0c9
That’s just typical. Whenever men create a magnificent thing of true beauty, women will come around and try to vandalise it.
June 28th, 2005 at 1:29 am - IP Man-Hash: 868f03654397f
# The Duster Says:
June 27th, 2005 at 9:33 pm
Men-
Note that the womn have totally changed the topic of this thread into a steaming pile of shit about chick flicks. Way to go ladies, you’ve managed to vandalized the MANley brilliance of this website yet again.
–
All-
Note that The Duster (ok, seriously, DUSTER? As in something you use to wipe dust off antique vases? Oh, real manly! *rolls eyes*) has managed to show that he’s actually incapable of using correct grammar. Scrolling through and reading all of The Duster’s posts, I found ONE that had proper grammar, punctuation, spelling and the like.
An example from the above post by him: Way to go ladies, you’ve managed to vandalized the MANley brilliance of this website yet again.
A verb was required - it should have been ‘vandalize.’
And really, how hard is it to press “shift” for an upper case letter? 7/16 of an inch is how far you’d have to move you pinky finger! I know you’re using up most of your energy trying to think (c’mon, you can do it, you’ve almost managed to put a whole sentence together), but surely there’s a little bit you can spare for that?
I don’t mind the occasional left out capital letter…but time after time? Please, we covered all that in year 1 at school!
August 13th, 2005 at 4:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 46d8304bbb9af
Guys, we are having a pleasent conversation, would you mind not butting in.
December 9th, 2005 at 8:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: fe0f19eacf664
I hate that damn movie, whatever retard made it needs to be shot in the head !
January 4th, 2006 at 4:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 60ea366507b28
Everyone likes different movies, however I won’t be the first to say that Steel Magnolias sucked ass.