Steel Magnolias Can Eat Shit.
When us men want to sink our teeth into only the very manliest (and therefore best) of cinema, we turn to the greats: Die Hard, Tremors, Caddyshack. Then, after we’ve whet our appetites with those warm-ups, we turn to one of the man-est movies of all of time: Dr. Strangelove.
This movie is everything that a great movie should be, because it is itself the very apogee of all things man.
Firstly, it’s good because it was written by a man. That can’t be said for all movies — only good ones. Men are better than women at writing movies because men have a firm grasp of reason and chronology whereas women have a firm grasp of fuck-all. That’s a British way to say “fucking nothing”. As a man I know how people talk all around the world, while women can barely pronounce “nuclear”.
If you want to hear a story as told by a woman, try listening to her tell you about her day. Surprise, surprise! You can’t because it’s completely impossible. It’s like listening to a Madlib backwards. You wouldn’t think a woman’s actions could make less sense, but somehow when she retells them to you, they actually fucking do.
Events in women’s stories happen in orders that are wildly implausible. And even worse, you know that nothing funny is going to be coming up because she wouldn’t have even noticed it in the first place.
Women never notice anything funny. If you want to get away with something a woman doesn’t want you doing, just do it in a giant foam cowboy hat. To any woman in the vicinity, you’ll go from “about to be busted” to “totally fucking invisible” in like two seconds — because those hats are hilarious and her mind will block you out.
Dr. Strangelove takes a good hard look at things through this lens of man-reason, putting women in the sole role of answering a phone while the man of the house is otherwise occupied (keep in mind that this movie was invented years before the answering machine), and letting men do what men do best and way better than women: run everything and tell everyone on Earth what the fuck to do and how they’re doing it the fuck wrong.
All women have to offer in response is the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.
Dumbo’s magic feather didn’t make him fly. Just like a bunch of women getting together and pretending they don’t secretly hate the fuck out of each other isn’t going to make it magically happen.
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May 23rd, 2005 at 3:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: cc0d45fa29251
To be honest, I wasn’t even going to read this, and possibly stop visiting the website altogether when I saw “Steel Magnolias” in bold type. Much to my testosterone-laiden joy, I read the following “Can Eat Shit”. That was a close call, but my God-given man-reason allowed me to read the entire title as opposed to a woman who would have read a mere 40% of the title and assumed it was a Woo-Hoo Circle Jerk of all things grand about Steel Magnolias. I was surprised to read about the notion of listening to a woman tell a pointless story- seriously dude, what the fuck? Why even listen to a woman in the first place (or should I say second place, where a woman would no doubt be when in competition against man; unless, of course, it was the Bitching Olympics)??
May 26th, 2005 at 10:08 am - IP Man-Hash: 38ae76999b940
I find it unbelieveably pathetic that the ‘better’ gender has nothing better to do than bitch about women. If you hate us so much why arn’t you all gay? The reason you dont enjoy films written by women is because surprise surprise they contain some emotion, sensitivity and shock horror an actual plot line. Something which you men deem unessicary and seem to replace with lots of blowing people up and jokes that are racist, sexist, homophobic or offensive to anyone even slightly diffent to you. I think the reason men on this website hate women is because we hate men like you. Self centered, arrogant pricks who would need a map and directions (if you can manage the humiliation of having to ask) to find out how to please a woman.
May 26th, 2005 at 10:15 am - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Don’t confuse films written for women with films written by women.
-Dick
May 26th, 2005 at 10:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 38ae76999b940
Surprise surprise you can get both, and sometimes films written by women ARE for women too
wow doesnt that make your small brain turn
May 26th, 2005 at 2:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
Films written by women ARE for me to poop on.
-Dick
May 26th, 2005 at 5:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 38ae76999b940
Why how many films have you written?
You really shouldnt critisize people for doing something your not capable of.
May 26th, 2005 at 7:04 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
I’m not criticising people. I’m just saying that there have never been any women who could write anything other than a check that was worth a damn.
-Dick
May 27th, 2005 at 1:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 682b6c01ada1d
Excuse me but I’ve won awards at my school for my poems, Im considered the best, better than the 600 boys at my school.
I’m also predicted A’s in English and Media.
Explain that?
May 27th, 2005 at 1:59 am - IP Man-Hash: 198450b4642a5
Poem awards? Maybe this one would win a poem award.
Your poems will never be as good as ones written by a man
No matter how much time you prepare and plan
You cant pay the rent with awards and a ribbon
You probably won them because your teachers are all women
May 27th, 2005 at 4:48 am - IP Man-Hash: 38ae76999b940
What makes you feel you have to genralise women like that?
Are you so insecure about your own intellegence you have to say half the people on the planet are less inteligent than you just because there women?
Guess what, there are women more intelegent than you out there. And judging by the way you’ve confused assonance (ribbon and women) with rhyming, I’d say I’m one of them.
P.S. a piece of advice to you: dont become a poet
May 27th, 2005 at 5:48 am - IP Man-Hash: ac62c77584632
Men don’t do things because we “feel” them Nicole. We act on logic and reason.
You’re right about Jeff though. He shouldn’t become a poet. He should become the best poet ever. Also, you know what they say about “assonance”. It makes an ass out of a bunch of people. I don’t remember how exactly the riddle works, but it’s clever.
-Dick
May 27th, 2005 at 6:20 am - IP Man-Hash: 38ae76999b940
Maybe if you actually knew what assonace means, you would have a more intelegent answer.
And poetry is about feeling and emotion. A logical poem would be pretty pointless.