The Missing Hen House Entrance
Women can’t do a lot of things in this man-world. Some man once wrote a song about that in the 40’s or 50’s or some other such man year. The lyrics said:
“It’s a man’s world, but it wouldn’t be nothing without a woman or a girl.” -James Brown
Obviously that was written during a time when women knew how to shut their fucking mouths when they don’t know what they’re talking about: always. The world may be nothing without a bunch of women and girls around fucking up, but I’ll tell you something else. With them around the world is one enormous run-on paragraph.
Men are better than women at using the Enter key.
The reason girls score above boys in primary school and all the other grades is because reading what girls write is the equivalent of eating like a 60 ounce tofu porterhouse steak. Indeed it is a monumental task, but you lose about a billion Man Points for ingesting that much soy. Did you know soy increases your estrogen levels? Stick that in your pipe and chew on it next time you think eating a soy burger to fuck a vegan is worth it. It’s not. Soy is exactly like vegans in that way. They’re both after your balls.
Additionally, the quickest way into a vegan’s bed is to trick her into eating meat. All vegan women are full of shit. They’re just looking to be smacked back in line.
Women can’t take an opinion, think it out, and then compose their ideas worth half a shit in a hail storm. That’s why they can’t use the Enter Key properly. As every man knows it’s one of the many tools for composing thoughts and expressing them properly; the most important tool being not having a head full of shit and shopping, which women already lack.
Go read any email you’ve ever gotten from a woman. Or better yet, read any comment a woman has left on this site. What you’ll see is a giant goddamn crossword puzzle with no clues and no black squares. It’s letters in every fucking direction the eye can see and none of it worth shit. Think the answers are in next week’s edition? Don’t hold your fucking breath.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘Dick, not all women are the same. Or are they?’
Yes they are. All women are guilty of every single thing I say they are — especially this one. And especially everything I say about marriage. There’s no such thing as exceptions when it comes to women; there’s just women who are better than others at lying. Isn’t that something to be very proud of!
While it’s true some women use the Enter key to fuck up their thoughts via neglect, it is also true some women fuck up by treating Enter like a set of parentheses.
It isn’t.
Related Articles:
August 28th, 2006 at 5:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
I wouldn’t be quoting James Brown if I was you. Didn’t he beat up Daryl Hannah when they were ‘dating’? You are so wrong.
August 29th, 2006 at 10:48 am - IP Man-Hash: 348cd3f7864c2
No if he was you he wouldn’t be here because it’s off limits to women.
Just like a dumb woman to keep on trying to tell someone how to do something even if they aren’t wanted. Furthermore Daryl probably ask for what she got knowing just how obstinate you all are.
Now fuk off
August 29th, 2006 at 1:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: 109bcf0dfd9d2
Billy, why don’t you concentrate on actually commenting on Dick’s story rather than keep trying to tell me what to do it. Idiot.
August 29th, 2006 at 3:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
@Female: If I *were* you. Not if I *was* you. You’re speaking of a hypothetical, not using a past tense. I’m sorry to raise this, but it’s grating indeed to the ear. For the love of all that’s Holy, use proper grammar. You know better.
example: “If I *were* President of the United States, I would abolish women’s suffrage”.
example: “If I *were* a waitress in this restaurant tonight, I would feel pain from the high heels and pace of orders”
example: “If I *was* [had been is better] apprised of your stupidity, I would have governed myself accordingly”
The first two examples are counterfactual impossibilities that are stated hypothetically. The last is a possibility, hence the use of ‘was’ is appropriate.
Please, please don’t mangle the English language. Don’t worry, I’ll lecture the men who do so as well, though none have hitherto engaged in as grotesquely egregious a violation as this.
@Billy: I welcome some of Female’s posts, and I believe she can add value to the site. I think she shouldn’t post, because some of her posts make her look like an idiot, but she’s bound and determined to go her own way, as are so many women. I think she’s a good person, and I’d ask that you please treat her with respect and not curse at her.
@Dick. Neutral on your editorial. Good read tho.
-wolfe
August 29th, 2006 at 4:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: 348cd3f7864c2
With all due repect Wolfe, How can she add value and not speak here?
I personally think she can add by subtracting herself from our presence.
Like most women she will get respect when she gives it.
August 29th, 2006 at 10:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
wolfe, I admit I was unaware of that grammatical rule - thanks. I am also really looking forward to your critiques of other poster’s errors.
Billy, it’s a bit hypocritical to be telling me that in order to gain your respect, I need to show it to you because from day dot on mabtw you have only ever flamed me. As such, don’t hold your breath and also - I don’t care to gain your respect as I do not hold you in high regard.
August 30th, 2006 at 1:33 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Like mine, Female? Inadvertent pun.
August 30th, 2006 at 5:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 6ecb2f896d6dd
you shouldn’t be here now fuk off
August 30th, 2006 at 9:51 am - IP Man-Hash: a247c3e4ba7c5
This is known as the subjunctive, Wolfe. Sometimes (as you outlined in your post above) the past tense is used as a subjunctive but as far as I am aware, the *were* usage usually applies to the conditional.
But in Female’s defense, a heck of a lot of people use *was* instead of *were* with the subjunctive using the conditional, so it is a very common error. That doesn’t make it’s usage correct or by any means less irritating when it is read or heard, but in some areas in the UK ‘if I was you’ sounds a lot more natural than ‘if I were you’.
I understand how this may irritate wolfe though. I get irritated when I hear people using double negatives in a sentence, which is far too common in my local area of the UK - i.e. I haven’t got nothing (or) I don’t see nobody. Blergh.
August 30th, 2006 at 10:52 am - IP Man-Hash: 5950bb08d3016
On vegans.
You know the whole basis for the animal rights people is so that animals are treated ethically and humanely, thus killing and eating animals is wrong, so the philosophy goes towards us murderers of animals.
Did you know that plants are alive? What about plant rights? Plants live, breathe, respond to environmental stimuli and even reproduce sexually.
In this SCIENTIFIC defintion, they are as alive as animals.
Animals (aside from primates, which I don’t eat bushmeat) and plants both lack higher cognitive functions, thus the vegan reason for not killing animals should be applied to plants and they should starve to death.
So vegans are murderers of even more living things than us meat eaters. Whereas I may eat enough meat to kill 2 cows annually, they murder THOUSANDS of innocent plants.
How cruely do they treat the plants, they give them sunshine, water, a good place to grow, then they slaughter them in mass numbers.
The human diet was made to eat iron-rich meat such as cattle and then bright colored fruits and vegetables.
You will get all the nutrients you need from this. Women and men need iron from the meat and dark greens. Plant material is extremely low in l-glutamine, which makes up half of you muscle mass.
Any diet that has you using supplements to get your nutrients, such as a vegan one, is not natural.
Soy and other legumes are very high in the sulfur containing amino acids, these cause stomach discomfort and loads of smelly gas.
The best amino acid profile is from a mixture of beef, fish and dairy. The best vitamin profile is from citrus fruits and berries.
Hence why man for millions of years was a hunter and gatherer.
So in essence I don’t understand why so many women are Vegans, it’s a contradiction to the don’t kill anything philosophy and it is NOT HEALTHY.
August 30th, 2006 at 11:07 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Neither is LDL cholesterol, of which I am in excess of at 143.2 mg/decilitre. And this only at 74 kilos.
Yes, I do indulge in meat products, when available.
August 30th, 2006 at 1:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Except for the response to Billy, this post is on musings about grammar. Sony may find it of interest, as may a very few others (Luka and Female). By all means, skip to the next post after reading my response to Billy.
@Billy “how can she add value and not speak here”. Well, because often she doesn’t add value. She gets into petty arguments that are always partly and sometimes largely or entirely her own fault. She posts here a LOT for someone who’s not very welcome, and I don’t think that’s good for her. I’ve largely given up on saying that since she knows my views. (and ignores them. Fair enough).
@Female. You’re welcome. Yes it’s common.
@Luka quite correct (on subjunctive). The fact that it’s a common error is irrelevant. Certainly I don’t think any the less of Female for making the error. I make strange errors myself (often typos, sometimes genuine spelling errors, often infelicitous wording, sometimes tense errors, etc.). Fortunately I make fewer serious errors.
It’s worth noting that I read Female’s (and your) posts with more care and attention than I give to some posts, simply because your perspectives are quite different from mine. I often think she is wrong, I sometimes think you are. Even in those cases, a close reading can be of value.
I am therefore more likely to notice (and care) when she makes an error than when _random_male_poster00 does. And finally, Female tends to have quite respectable writing skill. When she falls grossly short, I feel its worth pointing out. A poster — and there are some on this site — who regularly makes many errors… I simply don’t feel that correcting that person is of value.
That said, I’ve had some posters PM me and ask about word usage, and I’ve always responded to them and outlined the rules and my own ideas.
@Luka Perhaps curiously, I’ve no issue with the double negative if it’s used properly, or if it’s used in dialect. I don’t like it if it’s used in writing (improperly). And I hate the ludicrous, made-up word “irregardless”.
I frequently use double and even triple negatives in my writing. I probably overuse them, though I do use them intentionally, and for an effect, usually to politely understate something. (e.g. “I do not disagree with your arguments” could well equal “you are technically correct in this case, but I think you are an idiot”. or could equal “that is a good point, however…”.
A final note on writing.
Sony, (while I think he’s a leftist pinko, and he no doubt thinks I’m a crazed wingnut rightist — NB — exaggeration for effect; neither of us literally believes that I hope!) is one of the best structural users of English on these boards. His vocabulary has odd lacunae (he will get that word while most readers won’t without google) but structurally, he might well be better than any of us.
The rest of us (certainly Dick, myself, and most; possibly not Luka) have learned English through osmosis. Children of the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s were taught in the ‘comprehensive education’ mode of learning by doing, learning by reading, rather than learning by a basis of rules (which males are better at than females; females are probably better at the former than males).
A highly intelligent non-native speaker of English always has much to learn from native speakers, but more importantly, much to teach and demonstrate.
-wolfe
August 30th, 2006 at 1:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Back (sort of) to the topic.
@Lukasz: Your arguments are mostly or completely correct. I would add, however, that being a vegan would appear to also result in more net animal deaths (not just net deaths of living entities) than being a non-vegan. As you say, you can survive on 2 cows/year. Have you any idea how many mice are killed by harvester combines plowing fields of grain or soy to feed the vegans? I bet it’s more than 2/year! (I know it is, but I’m too lazy to google it and look it up).
OK, get rid of combines. Great. Now 3/4 of mankind (A pox on those who say “humanity”) can starve.
Great, we’ve got the animal death rate down by being vegans. Or not.
One other thing: “Animals … lack higher cognitive functions”. What about dogs? I’ve seen [admittedly bad] studies that suggest they are circa IQ 60-80. This certainly accords with my general observations.
I have to also admit… cats seem vain, narcissistic, preening creatures. Dogs seem affable, capable, work-oriented (herding, hunting) creatures who value themselves, but are also willing to sacrifice themselves to save others.
Now for some reason those two descriptions are reminding me of something.
I can’t think of what it might be.
-wolfe
August 30th, 2006 at 3:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6ecb2f896d6dd
Oh Yeah…
Let me help you! lol
Hehe I have thought about it many times.
We recently got a kitten and it is amusing right now.
When it matures it will be simply boring and more like the other narcistic animals we know of as women. Women are rarely ever amusing.
Funny that every noise it makes starts with “Me.”
Meooooooow
Sounds like me, me , me, me.
And it is constant.
Yes my grammer skills suck. I never cared much for that class.
But I did great in advanced math, Sience, Arts and girl chasing.
August 30th, 2006 at 4:55 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6897e3ddf8ad0
Billy, those three are the corner stones of civilisation.
-Dick
August 30th, 2006 at 6:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 01af421b4bf5c
Daryl Hannah dated JACKSON BROWNE, not JAMES BROWN….get your fuckin’ facts straight…
August 31st, 2006 at 5:10 am - IP Man-Hash: 1a1c6117577ed
I was taught during the 90’s and I cannot remember any lessons in English regarding rules of grammar. I don’t know if that is just poor memory on my part but I would say most of what I have learnt with respect to English grammar is based on osmosis via reading.
I realised when I went abroad how little I actually understood of my own language. Since that experience abroad, I have started to look at English in a more analytical way, wanting to understand it better so as to use it with much more flair but also to help me understand the mechanisms of another language that I am learning.
I agree that native English-speakers have much to learn from non-native speakers of English, I have noticed that people who speak English as a second language tend to use better English than natives do. I guess that is normal though since most native speakers of any language resort to their regional accents and variations from the standard language. Foreign speakers of any language are taught only in the standard on a new language.
I too have noted that Sonyad has a fantastic command of the English language - if I can achieve a similar feat with my second language one day, I shall die a happy woman.
Thanks for your thoughts wolfe,
Luka
August 31st, 2006 at 6:31 am - IP Man-Hash: 01cca260d4865
oi wolfe i AM English and will speak or spell how i see fit. spastics like you have nothing to teach REAL people like me so stop trying to sound clever and get your fucking camel off the highway
August 31st, 2006 at 6:38 am - IP Man-Hash: dc4b477cfd13b
Well, it’s good to know that rampant illiteracy in the English-speaking world isn’t confined to the United States …
August 31st, 2006 at 6:57 am - IP Man-Hash: 01cca260d4865
Oh i’m not illiterate, just arrogant, and a cunt so fuck you. fucking yanks.
August 31st, 2006 at 7:09 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
That was a joke, right? Either that, or you’re just a plain old liar. Please don’t get confused with the words liar and lair. A liar is one who does not speak the truth, while a lair is where you go to fellate chavs for £20.
August 31st, 2006 at 7:32 am - IP Man-Hash: 01cca260d4865
you’re a joke cockmatik. just because your a virgin doesn’t mean you have to stay at your parents house all day bithcing about women like a little child. why don’t you have another wank.
August 31st, 2006 at 1:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: d691254030680
Dumb cunt
August 31st, 2006 at 5:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
@Billy “let me help you” Ha! Thanks.
@Luka: I concur entirely. I was raised and taught similarly. It comes of crazed unionized female hippie teachers from the 60’s and 70’s (what we think of the 60’s didn’t culturally end until well into the 1970’s) dictating curricula. Yes, I exaggerate slightly.
@Stef: You and your ilk have spewed vile racism, bigotry and prejudice over these boards. Now it’s “spastics”? Insulting people by calling them “homo”, “yank”. “retard”, “spastic” simply reveals your own prejudices and petty bigotry. Do you realize that you’re actually violating the laws of your own country? Pretty sure we could get you bunged up for hate crimes if you were unfortunate enough to knowingly aim insults at a boardmember also in the UK… where I should be next week. Have away!
-wolfe
September 2nd, 2006 at 4:05 am - IP Man-Hash: 3cb7d74d61f4b
Hey Dick,
Why not make up some new quotes just to see how ridiculous they sound. I am thinking for example:
“This is one small step for a woman, one giant leap for humanity.”
This just brings up the image of Madonna stepping off the ledge of a skyscraper, thus sparing mankind from any more of her illogical, bone-hag, attention-whoring. It certainly does NOT bring to mind the man-feat of the first time a human foot stepped onto extraterrestrial soil…
September 2nd, 2006 at 4:13 am - IP Man-Hash: d20832255de93
lol.
September 2nd, 2006 at 4:16 am - IP Man-Hash: d20832255de93
Women aren’t manly enough to kill themselves.
September 2nd, 2006 at 4:22 am - IP Man-Hash: d8f419652ad49
That’s a good point, Andy. I’ll work something up like that.
-Dick
September 2nd, 2006 at 2:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
WARNING: Following post is dark and grim, though responsive to something said above. Skip over if you’ve not a strong stomach or just don’t want to read something depressing.
That’s an incredibly dark thing to say, sots, but there’s definitely a kernel of truth there. I shall say something even darker. If memory serves, men kill themselves far more than women; women attempt suicide far more than men. Women appear more frequently to use it as an attention-getting gesture.
I know when I studied the literature, it was interesting to note the number of women that made sure they’d be discovered, then slashed their wrists at 90 degrees to the veins. Scars can be better disguised and method is not very effective, but it gets attention. Those men that chose to kill themselves usually made sure they were alone, then slashed along the line of the vein, meaning a much more rapid hemorrhage.
We could either conclude that women are not very good at killing themselves, or that they’re very good at seeking attention. I lean to the latter.
All that said, of course anyone that commits suicide and anyone that attempts it needs help. Nothing above is meant to denigrate their sad mental condition, whatever their gender.
-wolfe
September 2nd, 2006 at 5:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: 109bcf0dfd9d2
wolfe, you may not be aware of this but the word ’sad’ is often used interchangeably with the word ‘pathetic’ in Australia.
September 2nd, 2006 at 9:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0a25aba878123
Heh, actually I had a female-friend (FUNNY TERM ISN’T IT?) who tried to commit suicide recently… of course that is what she told me. Too bad I care so much and called the authorities. It was probably to get some sympathy and attention. She lived after all…
September 2nd, 2006 at 9:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: 109bcf0dfd9d2
and obviously you would have preferred her dead. Let’s hope you wont be asked to do the eulogy at her funeral.
September 3rd, 2006 at 8:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Elsewhere as well, though hardly interchangeably.
Presumably you were concerned about the fourth meaning. I think the context is clear enough that any reasonable reader would be capable of discerning the connotative meaning behind my choice of word in this case.
-wolfe
September 3rd, 2006 at 11:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: c20b47cbcee08
Yes, I knew what you meant but thought clarification might be good because this isn’t really a reasonable website.
October 19th, 2006 at 11:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: 7f0331adb6577
yet u post on it day in day out
October 19th, 2006 at 11:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Ah, the impetuousness of women.
June 4th, 2007 at 3:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 6df99a3d3b5db
Dick, you’re right again. May i expand on this. You will receive only two types of email from a woman;
1. Minimal words used, maximum abbreviations used as well. They will try to convey their point with the absolute minimum words since smoke language is no longer viable.
2. You will be sitting there reading the Gettysburg address, possibly stretching into a second email. Upon the end of which, there may be a point of some kind.