The World’s Manliest Martini
There are two types of martinis: martinis made by women and good martinis.
I tried to drink a martini last night that, unbeknownst to me, was made by a woman. I nearly choked on a goddamn ice cube the thing was so poorly made.
“You guys put ice cubes in your martinis around here?” I said. Hilarious.
This is how you make The World’s Manliest Martini.
The World’s Manliest Martini - by Dick Masterson
Serves: 1 That’s why it’s so manly.
INGREDIENTS:
1 Martini glass with no bullshit colors or twists
1 bottle of vodka, the more expensive the manlier
1 handful of ice
1 aluminum Martini shaker
2 olives
1 plastic sword thing (not optional)
DIRECTIONS:
First, get all women out of the place. Step number two is take off your pants though, so I guess we’ll just make that step number one since it’s the fastest way to get rid of women.
Step #1: Take off your pants
Pants are bullshit. I’ve actually written every single word on this site while not wearing pants. Suck on that, Emily Dickinson. Pants stifle things like creativity and your balls. They’re a waste of time.
Making the World’s Manliest Martini is the man version of one of those jackass re-birthing ceremonies women participate in. It’s the Man Yang of relaxation and soul-searching and the counterpoint to every dumb, desperate, and divorce-inspiring self-help crusade women set their fat asses on a collision course with the second they say, “I do”. Clink.
You can’t find your soul while you’re wearing pants. That’s why Superman wears tights.
Step #2: Use the Martini shaker correctly
I stop every bartender I see using the martini shaker incorrectly. 51% of them act like bitches about it. The aluminum martini shaker comes with a metal lid. You don’t get to shake it with a glass on top. It doesn’t work like that. Windmills don’t cool you off. If you get pulled over using Saran Wrap for a windshield, you’re getting a ticket. If you drape someone’s bathroom rug over a puddle of your puke, it doesn’t count as being a good house guest. Use the lid.
To use the martini shaker correctly, fill it will all the ice cubes and a martini glass full of vodka and then shake the shit out of it. This is why women make shitty martinis. Women (especially old women) have these big chicken wings of fat under their arms that jiggle constantly — even when they’re sleeping. Getting a woman to properly shake the shit out of a martini is like asking her to rubber cement a picture of herself at 13 onto her forehead during sex.
Wow.
You can tell the age of a woman like the age of a tree, by pinch-testing her fucking flabby chicken wing arms. Anything bigger than a half inch and she’s too old. Throw her back.
Step #3: Enjoy
Your World’s Manliest Martini should have the consistency of a woman’s mind: cloudy and swirling aimlessly. But it should also have the purity of a man mind: no fucking Vermouth.
The manliest part of the World’s Manliest Martini is not the ingredients, it’s the enjoyment. It’s the reflection and the silence — and the no pants. It’s knowing that you’ve got a bottle of vodka, which is much more than a glassful. That’s like having a bunch of women on speed dial and none actually around you — perfect.
Don’t use the olives. It’s manliest to spill them all over the counter.
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May 11th, 2007 at 5:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 4555637db20cf
Mantastic post! I’ve never had a martini before, but I guess I shall have a few tonight.
May 11th, 2007 at 5:59 am - IP Man-Hash: d96822bdf027c
This article has reminded me that I have to try the martini James Bond made up in Casino Royale. Knowing how manly that movie and James Bond himself are it should blow my pants off for me, thus saving me precious drinking seconds by allowing me to skip step one! Thanks for the memory jog, Dick.
Have a few for me too, I’m all out of vodka.
May 11th, 2007 at 12:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
Martinis are good. And of course, the manliest way to make a martini is any way a man damn well makes a martini, including, of course, the Dick Masterson martini. I like the pant removal step, except women seem to get more interested when I do that.
@diamatik here are some other recipes:
Here was Churchill’s recipe for a dry martini:
Wolfe’s Martini Recipe:
Anything that requires a hammer is manly.
Gin of choice — if you can taste the difference — should be Bombay Sapphire. If you can’t, just pick the cheapest. True you could use vodka.
-wolfe
May 11th, 2007 at 2:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
I thought Bill Murray invented that. Like all men, he incorporated his knowledge from those before him.
-Dick
May 11th, 2007 at 2:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb77ac8d5375f
Isn’t it interesting that women like “dirty” martinis? I would suggest that anything that has a sexual innuendo of any kind can be easily sold to women. You can sell them an extremely foul tasting concoction as long as you name it “blowjob”, “orgasm”, “dirty” “likes it up the ass” or whatever.
Dirty martinis are nauseating.
I absolutely love the taking the pants off part. I think it’s essential to a good drink.
May 11th, 2007 at 4:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: d95eaef413ad8
Of course no pants, did not Groucho Marx say it best. “Excuse me while I slip out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.”
- Oldone
May 12th, 2007 at 11:11 am - IP Man-Hash: 4981c94524620
Minus man points to both of you! No man in his fucking right MIND should be putting vodka in a martini. True, the classic Bond martini IS made with vodka, but then… also takes orders from a woman. Is that what you want? A woman telling you how to drink your fucking martini? The whole vodka thing was invented by a woman in the first place because they can’t handle gin. It’s like fucking kryptonite. If you feed a woman gin (kids, don’t try this at home), you will end up spending a quality weekend with a spatula and several gallons of fresh wall paint. And look what’s happened with martinis today… chocolate martinis, apple martinis, kiwi fucking dingleberry martinis, all because you can mix with vodka now. Fuck it. If you’re ordering a martini with vodka, there’s one more missing step for the bartender: to pistol whip you with the shaker before kicking you bum ass out onto the street.
May 12th, 2007 at 1:46 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
Harsh words, DM. One ought never to criticize another man’s drink unless it has fruit or a paper umbrella in it. Frankly, gin tastes like turpentine to me and I avoid at all costs, so if I have to drink a martini, I always have it with vodka, but in my estimation that’s a poor use of good vodka. One ought always to drink vodka the Russian way: Chilled to zero degrees and served peppered in shots.
But I give props to anyone who can drink gin without it inducing emesis. You’re a better man than I.
May 12th, 2007 at 2:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
@Dick Churchill might well have built his recipe on those who came before as well.
@DN I’m not a big fan of Vodka martinis, but many are. I see no reason to deduct man points. (Like Sam, I see it as a poor use of good vodka).
@Sam Adams:
Yes indeed! I used to keep a bottle of vodka in my freezer for that very purpose. As for gin, I suppose it’s an acquired taste.
-wolfe
May 23rd, 2007 at 5:41 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb77ac8d5375f
Keeping your Vodka chilled has the undesirable result to not have melted water from the ice in your martini. Which makes it not so much a martini as a vodka shot, unless you shake it even if it’s cold. Then again you don’t get as much water in it as it should have.
Women should stay away from martinis and martini glasses. They always tarnish them with those gross lipstick marks. If you MUST make a martini for a woman, serve it in a plastic disposable cup.
May 23rd, 2007 at 8:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
A martini by definition is made with gin, not vodka.
May 23rd, 2007 at 9:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: fc01662acac84
Demonstrating your skills with Google?
No one is impressed.
-Dick
May 24th, 2007 at 1:58 am - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
@JM which is precisely why I do not advocate using chilled vodka in martinis, but rather (18th century room temperature) gin. Had you followed the conversation, you would have noted that Sam and I were referring to “drink[ing] vodka the Russian way: Chilled to zero degrees and served peppered in shots”. This has nothing whatsoever to do with martinis.
[quote]Dr Z says:
A martini by definition is made with gin, not vodka.
Dick Masterson Says:
Demonstrating your skills with Google?
[/quote]
I must reluctantly agree with Dr Z on this one narrow issue, Dick. It is of course a man’s manly right to make and drink a vodka martini. That right is a splendid thing, certainly. You, however, are perhaps a trifle unkind to dismiss him as a ‘google searcher’ on the matter of gin in a martini.
But I will adhere to my own tastebuds, and those of one of the most manly men ever — Winston Churchill. Gin indeed, though I note and respect your and Sam’s (and Ian Fleming’s) discord with this view.
Certainly, we all agree, it’s a man’s right to have a martini made the way he damn well pleases without any women chattering excessively.
-wolfe
May 24th, 2007 at 5:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Try some 80 degree palincã with one fifth coke sometime.
What we drank about a month in high school when we skipped class in the park nearby. Till the one kid father caught on he was siphoning the juice and we had to start using scandic vodka.
Good oral analgesic and antibiotic, if you can stand drinking medicinal spirits. It’s rather close.
Too bad the bozgors and austries trademark stolen recipes they claim their own.
- DJ Tiesto - Beautiful Things [Gabriel & Dresden Remix]
May 24th, 2007 at 8:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
LOL. Try asking for a ‘martini’ in any reputable establishment (with a male bartender, natch) and I find it highly unlikely he’ll reach for the vodka. A vodka martini is a viable alternative, of course, but you need to ask for it by name.
Cheers, all.
May 24th, 2007 at 12:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Dr Z is none other than zogmama, a woman.
-Dick
May 24th, 2007 at 12:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
And apparently, commenter DM is a man, because he said the same thing (though he was rude to other men in the process), and it slid on by without comment.
A woman who is right is a burr under Dick’s saddle.
May 24th, 2007 at 1:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: c46011aeb3b2a
I can usually abide rudeness from men, because our manner of speaking to each other tends to be brusque, often bordering on rude, because we know we don’t have to treat each other like fragile little buttercups. We’re men, damn it. Unlike women, we don’t break that easily.
I won’t abide rudeness from a woman at all, even if by some slim chance she may be right or have a valid point, because it’s not her place to act that way. She should know she needs to be deferential. And that goes for you, Dr Z.
May 24th, 2007 at 1:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
Kindly quote the statement(s) I made which you found rude.
Thank you.
May 24th, 2007 at 2:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: c46011aeb3b2a
I was speaking generally, Dr Z, and not of anything you said in particular. I identified you because you were posting on this topic, although you shouldn’t be, and while I find your demeanor polite and well-spoken, your presence on this site is rude.
May 24th, 2007 at 2:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb77ac8d5375f
To Wolfe : Sure thing. I was merely extending your commentary on chilled vodka and shots to the blog post’s main topic, Martinis. Not in any way a correction of your statement kind Sir.
JM
May 24th, 2007 at 3:12 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
My thanks to you, Sam Adams, for your refreshing courtesy. Though I’m not a beer drinker (nor a martini drinker ~ former bartender), I find the ‘original’ Samuel Adams a man to be admired for his rebellious nature and his opposition to oppression.
May 24th, 2007 at 6:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
Damn it, Z! Stop that kind of talk! You’re gonna damage my credibility here and make people think either I’m a wuss or you got a crush on me. (Not that I could blame you.)
May 24th, 2007 at 6:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
On the contrary, a woman who is right, is, like a politician who keeps all of his (or her) promises, a wondrous person to behold.
-wolfe
May 24th, 2007 at 8:04 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
I don’t want to take this too far off topic, but since Dick described the best way to prepare a martini (and definitely, if you’re alone, Porky Pigging it is the way to go), I’d like to know your (the men here) opinions on the best ways to drink these liquors. This is just an arbitrary list; don’t read too much into it.
Single malt scotch: I prefer it, depending on the cost, either (1) poured in a shot glass, commented on each time a shot is poured, briefly sniffed, and depending on the cost, either sipped over 5 - 15 minutes or (2) drunk in a single gulp causing you to make whiskey face.
Tequila: Should never ever ever be used with a mixer. Personally, I drink it traditionally with salt and lime. My son says I’m a lightweight. He drinks it as straight shots with no fruit and no excuses.
Gin and tonic: I know, it’s a liquor and a mixer, but I want your opinion. Personally, I can’t stand the taste of gin, but a couple of Britons I greatly admire (Douglas Adams, Graham Chapman) were devoted gin and tonic drinkers as if they held the secret of immortality. Is there any advantage of adding quinine to gin other than providing immunity to malaria?
Schnapps: Is this a manly drink at all? I can see some exceptions, but not many. I used to drink “Apfelkorn” when I visited Germany, but that was between beers.
Brandy: Possibly a pretentious drink, enjoyed in the company of pretentious men. Probably best used in cooking, but I may be wrong.
Everclear: Anyone ever had this? Deadly stuff. As far as I can see, no reason at all to drink this except to get completely shitfaced as easily and quickly as possible.
Re the martini: Definitely no fucking olive or anything else. Anything in a martini is decoration and generally men don’t drink beverages with fruit or umbrellas in them unless they’re gay. From an aesthetic standpoint, it’s terrific, but from a practical standpoint (and men are practical above all), olives are pointless when they’re in the glass ’cause you have to fish them out, and the toothpick can get caught in your throat. And no ice cubes. Dilute the drink in the shaker to make it potable.
Lastly, I don’t recommend drinking alone, but I agree with Dick: There is some comfort in enjoying a drink in silence.
May 24th, 2007 at 9:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
@Sam Adams: No crush. No worries. But you’re cute when you’re flustered.
Scotch drinkers are either a pain in the ass, or the most discerning of imbibers ~ depends on how generously they tip.
Schnapps is manly in colder climes, but the manliest thing to come out of Germany is Jagermeister. Because it’s manly to order a Dead Nazi.
Everclear, applied properly, will kill you. I think that’s the point. I once saw a young man drink Everclear via a beer bong. His nickname was Cutthroat. He probably pours Jag on his breakfast cereal.
May 24th, 2007 at 10:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
Z, that was directed to the men who post here. Me, I don’t get flustered, you slattern tavern wench, but good to know you my manly charm hasn’t been wasted on you.
May 24th, 2007 at 10:52 pm - IP Man-Hash: e36376410e1aa
That is a damn good question, Sam Adams. I’m going to do a whole post on it.
-Dick
May 25th, 2007 at 7:06 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Oh, sam! Your commas and periods are so thick and strong…
- Paul Oakenfold & Amoebassassin - Get Out Of My Life Now
May 25th, 2007 at 12:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: d4fa8b220332f
Appropriate, Sonyad.
May 25th, 2007 at 3:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Genius.
-Dick
May 26th, 2007 at 3:40 am - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
@Sam talking about drinking single malt scotch (and other fine beverages) can never be off-topic, IMO.
I run the risk of getting labeled pretentious for this, but so be it. Pour in a large brandy snifter. Swirl so that it can aerate and you can smell it. Add a drop or two of water — but only good water (well water is nice, not too hard), and literally no more than about 1-2% of the volume, max. (this is surprising advice; you’ll just have to trust me on this). Allow it to be warmed by your hand (holding the glass) as you sip of the course of 10-20 min.
I confess I don’t drink Tequila, so I have no opinion. Salt and lime seems fine to me.
Annoying the FDA. In my view, Bombay Sapphire gin and Schweppes Tonic if you can taste the difference. The former is considerably more important than the latter. Gin and tonic is a summer drink for a man, or a bit of a ladies’ drink, but that doesn’t make it bad. After all, women are attracted to money, and money isn’t altogether bad. As you observe, it’s also very English.
In my view, it is manifestly not.
It’s inexpensive, and I’d argue it’s actually not that pretentious, precisely because of the low price. (Single malts might qualify as pretentious…) I don’t drink much brandy, though. Have it in a snifter or a wineglass (for similar reasons). The smell isn’t that interesting, unlike a good cognac, Armagnac, or malt, IMO. I would agree; use it in cooking. Like white wine. (cook fish with it rather than drink it).
I’m unfamiliar with this. It sounds like a product one would polish floors or wash windows with. I guess women must love drinking it.
In the case of a martini I definitely agree. In the case of (say) a Rusty Nail, I’d be an advocate for ice. (Though make that with a fairly crappy scotch).
Indeed.
-wolfe
May 27th, 2007 at 11:58 am - IP Man-Hash: 45a323ff28db9
Mein freund, etiquette is very important. I too saw “Pretty Woman”., And so, for the love of God, DO NOT let the sociopathic partner- in-waiting wtith- big- buck-o-ramas, for even a moment think you are a GEICO caveman.
That said, there are really only two reasons for a MAN to suck it back. If you disagree, you might need another site entirely.
1. Socialize with the boys or girls. (If you are gay, that is fine with me, but i have no advice to offer, so quit it now.)
BOYS: pay their way , agree with everything yes EVERYTHING they say, you are WITHOUT A DOUBT the best friend they ever had in their life. Call next day. Be humble. Be sure to sneak in key words such as “RAMBO” followed by pregnant pause.
2. GIRLS: See number 1.
3. Wear a condom if it happens. She’s a slut.
May 27th, 2007 at 12:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 45a323ff28db9
Dick, what say you? I can write no? I submit, is there anyone who can fill in when you take a break for on hour or one day
May 27th, 2007 at 12:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 45a323ff28db9
BTW martini woos, i’ll kick yo f%ckin azz. You dont belong here.
May 27th, 2007 at 12:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: 45a323ff28db9
Gratis - of course - i used to work for nickel a word- WOW too much in 2007 no.
May 28th, 2007 at 6:13 am - IP Man-Hash: e7396cdf6d107
I run the risk of getting labeled pretentious for this, but so be it. Pour in a large brandy snifter. Swirl so that it can aerate and you can smell it. Add a drop or two of water — but only good water (well water is nice, not too hard), and literally no more than about 1-2% of the volume, max. (this is surprising advice; you’ll just have to trust me on this). Allow it to be warmed by your hand (holding the glass) as you sip of the course of 10-20 min.
I confess I don’t drink Tequila, so I have no opinion. Salt and lime seems fine to me.
Annoying the FDA. In my view, Bombay Sapphire gin and Schweppes Tonic if you can taste the difference. The former is considerably more important than the latter. Gin and tonic is a summer drink for a man, or a bit of a ladies’ drink, but that doesn’t make it bad. After all, women are attracted to money, and money isn’t altogether bad. As you observe, it’s also very English.
In my view, it is manifestly not.
It’s inexpensive, and I’d argue it’s actually not that pretentious, precisely because of the low price. (Single malts might qualify as pretentious…) I don’t drink much brandy, though. Have it in a snifter or a wineglass (for similar reasons). The smell isn’t that interesting, unlike a good cognac, Armagnac, or malt, IMO. I would agree; use it in cooking. Like white wine. (cook fish with it rather than drink it).
I’m unfamiliar with this. It sounds like a product one would polish floors or wash windows with. I guess women must love drinking it.
In the case of a martini I definitely agree. In the case of (say) a Rusty Nail, I’d be an advocate for ice. (Though make that with a fairly crappy scotch).
Indeed.
-wolfe
Man, you guys got class and style to spare. Me, I usually just open a bottle of cheap bourbon and drink until I can’t see.
May 28th, 2007 at 10:46 am - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
Thank you. We’re men, so of course have class and style to spare. You’re a man, so of course you do too, even when drinking cheap bourbon. Just stay away from that “Everclear” stuff.
-wolfe
May 28th, 2007 at 1:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
About Everclear: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everclear_(alcohol)
It’s not that it’s nasty stuff, just incredibly pure and potent. It can double as a medical disinfectant without losing any of its smooth taste. (So I’m told.) Hence, no reason to drink it unless you want to get hammered as easily and quickly as possible. Best for people who don’t like the taste of alcohol.
July 11th, 2007 at 3:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5368e79e667af
This is some lame crap. To say that a manly drink is a double shot of chilled vodka is absurd. Vodka martinis are not even real martinis. The only true martinis are gin martinis, and to say no vermouth is manly is hilarious. What could possibly be manly about drinking something with no flavor (and it is international law that vodka be flavorless)? I think you need to pull your pants up because your brain is falling out of your ass.
July 11th, 2007 at 4:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: e36376410e1aa
darryl, that US government law governs a “distinctive taste” and it’s a great reason not to drink vodka provided by the US government.
-Dick
July 11th, 2007 at 6:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9419ffad6ab4f
UH..FUK VODKA…HOW ABOUT A WHISKY SOUR..BUT KEEP THE WHISKY ONCE 1ST DRINK ITS SERVED.
July 12th, 2007 at 5:39 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
I indeed think that a gin martini is the only ‘real’ martini. Notwithstanding James Bond or Dick Masterson. But that’s the great thing about being a man. We can differ in views on such critical topics.
@Dick technically, I have consumed vodka provided by the US Government (The State Department in this case). It was pretty good. But in general, I agree with you.
-wolfe
August 15th, 2007 at 7:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: bb9e62d0db456
How about just a chilled glass of Grey goose. I like my drinks strong! No olive no mixers.. just strong! Dick, spilling the olives was classis. That’s me on a regular basis!
September 23rd, 2007 at 12:54 am - IP Man-Hash: f3f1c500bb544
Mein freund, etiquette is very important. I too saw “Pretty Woman”., And so, for the love of God, DO NOT let the sociopathic partner- in-waiting wtith- big- buck-o-ramas, for even a moment think you are a GEICO caveman.
That said, there are really only two reasons for a MAN to suck it back. If you disagree, you might need another site entirely.
1. Socialize with the boys or girls. (If you are gay, that is fine with me, but i have no advice to offer, so quit it now.)
BOYS: pay their way , agree with everything yes EVERYTHING they say, you are WITHOUT A DOUBT the best friend they ever had in their life. Call next day. Be humble. Be sure to sneak in key words such as “RAMBO” followed by pregnant pause.
2. GIRLS: See number 1.
3. Wear a condom if it happens. She’s a slut.
he babbles as much as i do….yet ….sometimes i make more sense then he does…huh…cute…
April 14th, 2008 at 2:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 09b607c8c4b90
This might be late, but no. You rarely make any sense at all, from what I’ve read thus far.
June 19th, 2008 at 6:51 am - IP Man-Hash: e02e44768bcc4
A martini is made with fucking gin. You’re a god damn woman if you make one with vodka.