The World’s Manliest Martini
There are two types of martinis: martinis made by women and good martinis.
I tried to drink a martini last night that, unbeknownst to me, was made by a woman. I nearly choked on a goddamn ice cube the thing was so poorly made.
“You guys put ice cubes in your martinis around here?” I said. Hilarious.
This is how you make The World’s Manliest Martini.
The World’s Manliest Martini - by Dick Masterson
Serves: 1 That’s why it’s so manly.
INGREDIENTS:
1 Martini glass with no bullshit colors or twists
1 bottle of vodka, the more expensive the manlier
1 handful of ice
1 aluminum Martini shaker
2 olives
1 plastic sword thing (not optional)
DIRECTIONS:
First, get all women out of the place. Step number two is take off your pants though, so I guess we’ll just make that step number one since it’s the fastest way to get rid of women.
Step #1: Take off your pants
Pants are bullshit. I’ve actually written every single word on this site while not wearing pants. Suck on that, Emily Dickinson. Pants stifle things like creativity and your balls. They’re a waste of time.
Making the World’s Manliest Martini is the man version of one of those jackass re-birthing ceremonies women participate in. It’s the Man Yang of relaxation and soul-searching and the counterpoint to every dumb, desperate, and divorce-inspiring self-help crusade women set their fat asses on a collision course with the second they say, “I do”. Clink.
You can’t find your soul while you’re wearing pants. That’s why Superman wears tights.
Step #2: Use the Martini shaker correctly
I stop every bartender I see using the martini shaker incorrectly. 51% of them act like bitches about it. The aluminum martini shaker comes with a metal lid. You don’t get to shake it with a glass on top. It doesn’t work like that. Windmills don’t cool you off. If you get pulled over using Saran Wrap for a windshield, you’re getting a ticket. If you drape someone’s bathroom rug over a puddle of your puke, it doesn’t count as being a good house guest. Use the lid.
To use the martini shaker correctly, fill it will all the ice cubes and a martini glass full of vodka and then shake the shit out of it. This is why women make shitty martinis. Women (especially old women) have these big chicken wings of fat under their arms that jiggle constantly — even when they’re sleeping. Getting a woman to properly shake the shit out of a martini is like asking her to rubber cement a picture of herself at 13 onto her forehead during sex.
Wow.
You can tell the age of a woman like the age of a tree, by pinch-testing her fucking flabby chicken wing arms. Anything bigger than a half inch and she’s too old. Throw her back.
Step #3: Enjoy
Your World’s Manliest Martini should have the consistency of a woman’s mind: cloudy and swirling aimlessly. But it should also have the purity of a man mind: no fucking Vermouth.
The manliest part of the World’s Manliest Martini is not the ingredients, it’s the enjoyment. It’s the reflection and the silence — and the no pants. It’s knowing that you’ve got a bottle of vodka, which is much more than a glassful. That’s like having a bunch of women on speed dial and none actually around you — perfect.
Don’t use the olives. It’s manliest to spill them all over the counter.
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Minus man points to both of you! No man in his fucking right MIND should be putting vodka in a martini. True, the classic Bond martini IS made with vodka, but then… also takes orders from a woman. Is that what you want? A woman telling you how to drink your fucking martini? The whole vodka thing was invented by a woman in the first place because they can’t handle gin. It’s like fucking kryptonite. If you feed a woman gin (kids, don’t try this at home), you will end up spending a quality weekend with a spatula and several gallons of fresh wall paint. And look what’s happened with martinis today… chocolate martinis, apple martinis, kiwi fucking dingleberry martinis, all because you can mix with vodka now. Fuck it. If you’re ordering a martini with vodka, there’s one more missing step for the bartender: to pistol whip you with the shaker before kicking you bum ass out onto the street.
Of course no pants, did not Groucho Marx say it best. “Excuse me while I slip out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.”
- Oldone
Isn’t it interesting that women like “dirty” martinis? I would suggest that anything that has a sexual innuendo of any kind can be easily sold to women. You can sell them an extremely foul tasting concoction as long as you name it “blowjob”, “orgasm”, “dirty” “likes it up the ass” or whatever.
Dirty martinis are nauseating.
I absolutely love the taking the pants off part. I think it’s essential to a good drink.
I thought Bill Murray invented that. Like all men, he incorporated his knowledge from those before him.
-Dick
Martinis are good. And of course, the manliest way to make a martini is any way a man damn well makes a martini, including, of course, the Dick Masterson martini. I like the pant removal step, except women seem to get more interested when I do that.
@diamatik here are some other recipes:
Here was Churchill’s recipe for a dry martini:
Wolfe’s Martini Recipe:
Anything that requires a hammer is manly.
Gin of choice — if you can taste the difference — should be Bombay Sapphire. If you can’t, just pick the cheapest. True you could use vodka.
-wolfe
This article has reminded me that I have to try the martini James Bond made up in Casino Royale. Knowing how manly that movie and James Bond himself are it should blow my pants off for me, thus saving me precious drinking seconds by allowing me to skip step one! Thanks for the memory jog, Dick.
Have a few for me too, I’m all out of vodka.
Mantastic post! I’ve never had a martini before, but I guess I shall have a few tonight.