The World’s Manliest Martini
There are two types of martinis: martinis made by women and good martinis.
I tried to drink a martini last night that, unbeknownst to me, was made by a woman. I nearly choked on a goddamn ice cube the thing was so poorly made.
“You guys put ice cubes in your martinis around here?” I said. Hilarious.
This is how you make The World’s Manliest Martini.
The World’s Manliest Martini - by Dick Masterson
Serves: 1 That’s why it’s so manly.
INGREDIENTS:
1 Martini glass with no bullshit colors or twists
1 bottle of vodka, the more expensive the manlier
1 handful of ice
1 aluminum Martini shaker
2 olives
1 plastic sword thing (not optional)
DIRECTIONS:
First, get all women out of the place. Step number two is take off your pants though, so I guess we’ll just make that step number one since it’s the fastest way to get rid of women.
Step #1: Take off your pants
Pants are bullshit. I’ve actually written every single word on this site while not wearing pants. Suck on that, Emily Dickinson. Pants stifle things like creativity and your balls. They’re a waste of time.
Making the World’s Manliest Martini is the man version of one of those jackass re-birthing ceremonies women participate in. It’s the Man Yang of relaxation and soul-searching and the counterpoint to every dumb, desperate, and divorce-inspiring self-help crusade women set their fat asses on a collision course with the second they say, “I do”. Clink.
You can’t find your soul while you’re wearing pants. That’s why Superman wears tights.
Step #2: Use the Martini shaker correctly
I stop every bartender I see using the martini shaker incorrectly. 51% of them act like bitches about it. The aluminum martini shaker comes with a metal lid. You don’t get to shake it with a glass on top. It doesn’t work like that. Windmills don’t cool you off. If you get pulled over using Saran Wrap for a windshield, you’re getting a ticket. If you drape someone’s bathroom rug over a puddle of your puke, it doesn’t count as being a good house guest. Use the lid.
To use the martini shaker correctly, fill it will all the ice cubes and a martini glass full of vodka and then shake the shit out of it. This is why women make shitty martinis. Women (especially old women) have these big chicken wings of fat under their arms that jiggle constantly — even when they’re sleeping. Getting a woman to properly shake the shit out of a martini is like asking her to rubber cement a picture of herself at 13 onto her forehead during sex.
Wow.
You can tell the age of a woman like the age of a tree, by pinch-testing her fucking flabby chicken wing arms. Anything bigger than a half inch and she’s too old. Throw her back.
Step #3: Enjoy
Your World’s Manliest Martini should have the consistency of a woman’s mind: cloudy and swirling aimlessly. But it should also have the purity of a man mind: no fucking Vermouth.
The manliest part of the World’s Manliest Martini is not the ingredients, it’s the enjoyment. It’s the reflection and the silence — and the no pants. It’s knowing that you’ve got a bottle of vodka, which is much more than a glassful. That’s like having a bunch of women on speed dial and none actually around you — perfect.
Don’t use the olives. It’s manliest to spill them all over the counter.
Related Articles:
May 12th, 2007 at 1:46 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
Harsh words, DM. One ought never to criticize another man’s drink unless it has fruit or a paper umbrella in it. Frankly, gin tastes like turpentine to me and I avoid at all costs, so if I have to drink a martini, I always have it with vodka, but in my estimation that’s a poor use of good vodka. One ought always to drink vodka the Russian way: Chilled to zero degrees and served peppered in shots.
But I give props to anyone who can drink gin without it inducing emesis. You’re a better man than I.
May 12th, 2007 at 2:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
@Dick Churchill might well have built his recipe on those who came before as well.
@DN I’m not a big fan of Vodka martinis, but many are. I see no reason to deduct man points. (Like Sam, I see it as a poor use of good vodka).
@Sam Adams:
Yes indeed! I used to keep a bottle of vodka in my freezer for that very purpose. As for gin, I suppose it’s an acquired taste.
-wolfe
May 23rd, 2007 at 5:41 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb77ac8d5375f
Keeping your Vodka chilled has the undesirable result to not have melted water from the ice in your martini. Which makes it not so much a martini as a vodka shot, unless you shake it even if it’s cold. Then again you don’t get as much water in it as it should have.
Women should stay away from martinis and martini glasses. They always tarnish them with those gross lipstick marks. If you MUST make a martini for a woman, serve it in a plastic disposable cup.
May 23rd, 2007 at 8:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
A martini by definition is made with gin, not vodka.
May 23rd, 2007 at 9:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: fc01662acac84
Demonstrating your skills with Google?
No one is impressed.
-Dick
May 24th, 2007 at 1:58 am - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
@JM which is precisely why I do not advocate using chilled vodka in martinis, but rather (18th century room temperature) gin. Had you followed the conversation, you would have noted that Sam and I were referring to “drink[ing] vodka the Russian way: Chilled to zero degrees and served peppered in shots”. This has nothing whatsoever to do with martinis.
[quote]Dr Z says:
A martini by definition is made with gin, not vodka.
Dick Masterson Says:
Demonstrating your skills with Google?
[/quote]
I must reluctantly agree with Dr Z on this one narrow issue, Dick. It is of course a man’s manly right to make and drink a vodka martini. That right is a splendid thing, certainly. You, however, are perhaps a trifle unkind to dismiss him as a ‘google searcher’ on the matter of gin in a martini.
But I will adhere to my own tastebuds, and those of one of the most manly men ever — Winston Churchill. Gin indeed, though I note and respect your and Sam’s (and Ian Fleming’s) discord with this view.
Certainly, we all agree, it’s a man’s right to have a martini made the way he damn well pleases without any women chattering excessively.
-wolfe
May 24th, 2007 at 5:51 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Try some 80 degree palincã with one fifth coke sometime.
What we drank about a month in high school when we skipped class in the park nearby. Till the one kid father caught on he was siphoning the juice and we had to start using scandic vodka.
Good oral analgesic and antibiotic, if you can stand drinking medicinal spirits. It’s rather close.
Too bad the bozgors and austries trademark stolen recipes they claim their own.
- DJ Tiesto - Beautiful Things [Gabriel & Dresden Remix]
May 24th, 2007 at 8:27 am - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
LOL. Try asking for a ‘martini’ in any reputable establishment (with a male bartender, natch) and I find it highly unlikely he’ll reach for the vodka. A vodka martini is a viable alternative, of course, but you need to ask for it by name.
Cheers, all.
May 24th, 2007 at 12:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
Dr Z is none other than zogmama, a woman.
-Dick
May 24th, 2007 at 12:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
And apparently, commenter DM is a man, because he said the same thing (though he was rude to other men in the process), and it slid on by without comment.
A woman who is right is a burr under Dick’s saddle.
May 24th, 2007 at 1:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: c46011aeb3b2a
I can usually abide rudeness from men, because our manner of speaking to each other tends to be brusque, often bordering on rude, because we know we don’t have to treat each other like fragile little buttercups. We’re men, damn it. Unlike women, we don’t break that easily.
I won’t abide rudeness from a woman at all, even if by some slim chance she may be right or have a valid point, because it’s not her place to act that way. She should know she needs to be deferential. And that goes for you, Dr Z.
May 24th, 2007 at 1:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
Kindly quote the statement(s) I made which you found rude.
Thank you.
May 24th, 2007 at 2:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: c46011aeb3b2a
I was speaking generally, Dr Z, and not of anything you said in particular. I identified you because you were posting on this topic, although you shouldn’t be, and while I find your demeanor polite and well-spoken, your presence on this site is rude.
May 24th, 2007 at 2:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb77ac8d5375f
To Wolfe : Sure thing. I was merely extending your commentary on chilled vodka and shots to the blog post’s main topic, Martinis. Not in any way a correction of your statement kind Sir.
JM
May 24th, 2007 at 3:12 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
My thanks to you, Sam Adams, for your refreshing courtesy. Though I’m not a beer drinker (nor a martini drinker ~ former bartender), I find the ‘original’ Samuel Adams a man to be admired for his rebellious nature and his opposition to oppression.
May 24th, 2007 at 6:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
Damn it, Z! Stop that kind of talk! You’re gonna damage my credibility here and make people think either I’m a wuss or you got a crush on me. (Not that I could blame you.)
May 24th, 2007 at 6:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0393e6d40aa57
On the contrary, a woman who is right, is, like a politician who keeps all of his (or her) promises, a wondrous person to behold.
-wolfe
May 24th, 2007 at 8:04 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
I don’t want to take this too far off topic, but since Dick described the best way to prepare a martini (and definitely, if you’re alone, Porky Pigging it is the way to go), I’d like to know your (the men here) opinions on the best ways to drink these liquors. This is just an arbitrary list; don’t read too much into it.
Single malt scotch: I prefer it, depending on the cost, either (1) poured in a shot glass, commented on each time a shot is poured, briefly sniffed, and depending on the cost, either sipped over 5 - 15 minutes or (2) drunk in a single gulp causing you to make whiskey face.
Tequila: Should never ever ever be used with a mixer. Personally, I drink it traditionally with salt and lime. My son says I’m a lightweight. He drinks it as straight shots with no fruit and no excuses.
Gin and tonic: I know, it’s a liquor and a mixer, but I want your opinion. Personally, I can’t stand the taste of gin, but a couple of Britons I greatly admire (Douglas Adams, Graham Chapman) were devoted gin and tonic drinkers as if they held the secret of immortality. Is there any advantage of adding quinine to gin other than providing immunity to malaria?
Schnapps: Is this a manly drink at all? I can see some exceptions, but not many. I used to drink “Apfelkorn” when I visited Germany, but that was between beers.
Brandy: Possibly a pretentious drink, enjoyed in the company of pretentious men. Probably best used in cooking, but I may be wrong.
Everclear: Anyone ever had this? Deadly stuff. As far as I can see, no reason at all to drink this except to get completely shitfaced as easily and quickly as possible.
Re the martini: Definitely no fucking olive or anything else. Anything in a martini is decoration and generally men don’t drink beverages with fruit or umbrellas in them unless they’re gay. From an aesthetic standpoint, it’s terrific, but from a practical standpoint (and men are practical above all), olives are pointless when they’re in the glass ’cause you have to fish them out, and the toothpick can get caught in your throat. And no ice cubes. Dilute the drink in the shaker to make it potable.
Lastly, I don’t recommend drinking alone, but I agree with Dick: There is some comfort in enjoying a drink in silence.
May 24th, 2007 at 9:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
@Sam Adams: No crush. No worries. But you’re cute when you’re flustered.
Scotch drinkers are either a pain in the ass, or the most discerning of imbibers ~ depends on how generously they tip.
Schnapps is manly in colder climes, but the manliest thing to come out of Germany is Jagermeister. Because it’s manly to order a Dead Nazi.
Everclear, applied properly, will kill you. I think that’s the point. I once saw a young man drink Everclear via a beer bong. His nickname was Cutthroat. He probably pours Jag on his breakfast cereal.
May 24th, 2007 at 10:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: a195d2c8d4a47
Z, that was directed to the men who post here. Me, I don’t get flustered, you slattern tavern wench, but good to know you my manly charm hasn’t been wasted on you.