The World’s Manliest Martini
There are two types of martinis: martinis made by women and good martinis.
I tried to drink a martini last night that, unbeknownst to me, was made by a woman. I nearly choked on a goddamn ice cube the thing was so poorly made.
“You guys put ice cubes in your martinis around here?” I said. Hilarious.
This is how you make The World’s Manliest Martini.
The World’s Manliest Martini - by Dick Masterson
Serves: 1 That’s why it’s so manly.
INGREDIENTS:
1 Martini glass with no bullshit colors or twists
1 bottle of vodka, the more expensive the manlier
1 handful of ice
1 aluminum Martini shaker
2 olives
1 plastic sword thing (not optional)
DIRECTIONS:
First, get all women out of the place. Step number two is take off your pants though, so I guess we’ll just make that step number one since it’s the fastest way to get rid of women.
Step #1: Take off your pants
Pants are bullshit. I’ve actually written every single word on this site while not wearing pants. Suck on that, Emily Dickinson. Pants stifle things like creativity and your balls. They’re a waste of time.
Making the World’s Manliest Martini is the man version of one of those jackass re-birthing ceremonies women participate in. It’s the Man Yang of relaxation and soul-searching and the counterpoint to every dumb, desperate, and divorce-inspiring self-help crusade women set their fat asses on a collision course with the second they say, “I do”. Clink.
You can’t find your soul while you’re wearing pants. That’s why Superman wears tights.
Step #2: Use the Martini shaker correctly
I stop every bartender I see using the martini shaker incorrectly. 51% of them act like bitches about it. The aluminum martini shaker comes with a metal lid. You don’t get to shake it with a glass on top. It doesn’t work like that. Windmills don’t cool you off. If you get pulled over using Saran Wrap for a windshield, you’re getting a ticket. If you drape someone’s bathroom rug over a puddle of your puke, it doesn’t count as being a good house guest. Use the lid.
To use the martini shaker correctly, fill it will all the ice cubes and a martini glass full of vodka and then shake the shit out of it. This is why women make shitty martinis. Women (especially old women) have these big chicken wings of fat under their arms that jiggle constantly — even when they’re sleeping. Getting a woman to properly shake the shit out of a martini is like asking her to rubber cement a picture of herself at 13 onto her forehead during sex.
Wow.
You can tell the age of a woman like the age of a tree, by pinch-testing her fucking flabby chicken wing arms. Anything bigger than a half inch and she’s too old. Throw her back.
Step #3: Enjoy
Your World’s Manliest Martini should have the consistency of a woman’s mind: cloudy and swirling aimlessly. But it should also have the purity of a man mind: no fucking Vermouth.
The manliest part of the World’s Manliest Martini is not the ingredients, it’s the enjoyment. It’s the reflection and the silence — and the no pants. It’s knowing that you’ve got a bottle of vodka, which is much more than a glassful. That’s like having a bunch of women on speed dial and none actually around you — perfect.
Don’t use the olives. It’s manliest to spill them all over the counter.
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A martini is made with fucking gin. You’re a god damn woman if you make one with vodka.
Vodka martinis are for vaginal secretions. When you took your pants off to make your Vodka martini did you notice that you were bleeding? Martinis are made with Gin.
This might be late, but no. You rarely make any sense at all, from what I’ve read thus far.
Mein freund, etiquette is very important. I too saw “Pretty Woman”., And so, for the love of God, DO NOT let the sociopathic partner- in-waiting wtith- big- buck-o-ramas, for even a moment think you are a GEICO caveman.
That said, there are really only two reasons for a MAN to suck it back. If you disagree, you might need another site entirely.
1. Socialize with the boys or girls. (If you are gay, that is fine with me, but i have no advice to offer, so quit it now.)
BOYS: pay their way , agree with everything yes EVERYTHING they say, you are WITHOUT A DOUBT the best friend they ever had in their life. Call next day. Be humble. Be sure to sneak in key words such as “RAMBO” followed by pregnant pause.
2. GIRLS: See number 1.
3. Wear a condom if it happens. She’s a slut.
he babbles as much as i do….yet ….sometimes i make more sense then he does…huh…cute…
How about just a chilled glass of Grey goose. I like my drinks strong! No olive no mixers.. just strong! Dick, spilling the olives was classis. That’s me on a regular basis!
I indeed think that a gin martini is the only ‘real’ martini. Notwithstanding James Bond or Dick Masterson. But that’s the great thing about being a man. We can differ in views on such critical topics.
@Dick technically, I have consumed vodka provided by the US Government (The State Department in this case). It was pretty good. But in general, I agree with you.
-wolfe
UH..FUK VODKA…HOW ABOUT A WHISKY SOUR..BUT KEEP THE WHISKY ONCE 1ST DRINK ITS SERVED.
darryl, that US government law governs a “distinctive taste” and it’s a great reason not to drink vodka provided by the US government.
-Dick
This is some lame crap. To say that a manly drink is a double shot of chilled vodka is absurd. Vodka martinis are not even real martinis. The only true martinis are gin martinis, and to say no vermouth is manly is hilarious. What could possibly be manly about drinking something with no flavor (and it is international law that vodka be flavorless)? I think you need to pull your pants up because your brain is falling out of your ass.
About Everclear: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Everclear_(alcohol)
It’s not that it’s nasty stuff, just incredibly pure and potent. It can double as a medical disinfectant without losing any of its smooth taste. (So I’m told.) Hence, no reason to drink it unless you want to get hammered as easily and quickly as possible. Best for people who don’t like the taste of alcohol.
Thank you. We’re men, so of course have class and style to spare. You’re a man, so of course you do too, even when drinking cheap bourbon. Just stay away from that “Everclear” stuff.
-wolfe
I run the risk of getting labeled pretentious for this, but so be it. Pour in a large brandy snifter. Swirl so that it can aerate and you can smell it. Add a drop or two of water — but only good water (well water is nice, not too hard), and literally no more than about 1-2% of the volume, max. (this is surprising advice; you’ll just have to trust me on this). Allow it to be warmed by your hand (holding the glass) as you sip of the course of 10-20 min.
I confess I don’t drink Tequila, so I have no opinion. Salt and lime seems fine to me.
Annoying the FDA. In my view, Bombay Sapphire gin and Schweppes Tonic if you can taste the difference. The former is considerably more important than the latter. Gin and tonic is a summer drink for a man, or a bit of a ladies’ drink, but that doesn’t make it bad. After all, women are attracted to money, and money isn’t altogether bad. As you observe, it’s also very English.
In my view, it is manifestly not.
It’s inexpensive, and I’d argue it’s actually not that pretentious, precisely because of the low price. (Single malts might qualify as pretentious…) I don’t drink much brandy, though. Have it in a snifter or a wineglass (for similar reasons). The smell isn’t that interesting, unlike a good cognac, Armagnac, or malt, IMO. I would agree; use it in cooking. Like white wine. (cook fish with it rather than drink it).
I’m unfamiliar with this. It sounds like a product one would polish floors or wash windows with. I guess women must love drinking it.
In the case of a martini I definitely agree. In the case of (say) a Rusty Nail, I’d be an advocate for ice. (Though make that with a fairly crappy scotch).
Indeed.
-wolfe
Man, you guys got class and style to spare. Me, I usually just open a bottle of cheap bourbon and drink until I can’t see.
Gratis - of course - i used to work for nickel a word- WOW too much in 2007 no.
BTW martini woos, i’ll kick yo f%ckin azz. You dont belong here.
Dick, what say you? I can write no? I submit, is there anyone who can fill in when you take a break for on hour or one day
Mein freund, etiquette is very important. I too saw “Pretty Woman”., And so, for the love of God, DO NOT let the sociopathic partner- in-waiting wtith- big- buck-o-ramas, for even a moment think you are a GEICO caveman.
That said, there are really only two reasons for a MAN to suck it back. If you disagree, you might need another site entirely.
1. Socialize with the boys or girls. (If you are gay, that is fine with me, but i have no advice to offer, so quit it now.)
BOYS: pay their way , agree with everything yes EVERYTHING they say, you are WITHOUT A DOUBT the best friend they ever had in their life. Call next day. Be humble. Be sure to sneak in key words such as “RAMBO” followed by pregnant pause.
2. GIRLS: See number 1.
3. Wear a condom if it happens. She’s a slut.
@Sam talking about drinking single malt scotch (and other fine beverages) can never be off-topic, IMO.
I run the risk of getting labeled pretentious for this, but so be it. Pour in a large brandy snifter. Swirl so that it can aerate and you can smell it. Add a drop or two of water — but only good water (well water is nice, not too hard), and literally no more than about 1-2% of the volume, max. (this is surprising advice; you’ll just have to trust me on this). Allow it to be warmed by your hand (holding the glass) as you sip of the course of 10-20 min.
I confess I don’t drink Tequila, so I have no opinion. Salt and lime seems fine to me.
Annoying the FDA. In my view, Bombay Sapphire gin and Schweppes Tonic if you can taste the difference. The former is considerably more important than the latter. Gin and tonic is a summer drink for a man, or a bit of a ladies’ drink, but that doesn’t make it bad. After all, women are attracted to money, and money isn’t altogether bad. As you observe, it’s also very English.
In my view, it is manifestly not.
It’s inexpensive, and I’d argue it’s actually not that pretentious, precisely because of the low price. (Single malts might qualify as pretentious…) I don’t drink much brandy, though. Have it in a snifter or a wineglass (for similar reasons). The smell isn’t that interesting, unlike a good cognac, Armagnac, or malt, IMO. I would agree; use it in cooking. Like white wine. (cook fish with it rather than drink it).
I’m unfamiliar with this. It sounds like a product one would polish floors or wash windows with. I guess women must love drinking it.
In the case of a martini I definitely agree. In the case of (say) a Rusty Nail, I’d be an advocate for ice. (Though make that with a fairly crappy scotch).
Indeed.
-wolfe
Genius.
-Dick
Appropriate, Sonyad.
Oh, sam! Your commas and periods are so thick and strong…
- Paul Oakenfold & Amoebassassin - Get Out Of My Life Now
That is a damn good question, Sam Adams. I’m going to do a whole post on it.
-Dick