Violent Acres
Some people — women, have accused me of being unfair in my judgments of the “fairer” sex. They say I’m “too black and white” or “generalizing”. But what the fuck do women know? Some of them have criticized me for having “too big” of a cock. Is that even possible?
As my manvine providence so deems it, I’m going to give women the fighting chance they don’t deserve. The following is an interview with V from Violent Acres, arguably the most reasonable woman on the internet. As you will see, that’s a lot like saying you got a hell of a deal on a broken motorcycle. How the fuck is a broken motorcycle a deal? You have no idea what’s wrong with it.
DM: Because of the popularity of your website, there are many on the internet who claim you’re actually a man. As a woman, is it possible to take this rumor as anything but a compliment? After all, a man can simultaneously grasp the nuances of being both humorous and poignant, while women struggle with being both married and employed.
VA: Are you talking down to me?
DM: True or false, too many women have blogs?
VA: False. I don’t think enough people have blogs.
For example, just yesterday, the neighbor lady, dressed like a homeless man, stumbled out into her front yard and proceeded to get into a squatting position. For nearly 10 straight minutes (I timed her), she stared intently at something in the grass. What was she looking at?
A bug?
A piece of dog shit?
Was she perhaps imagining the ghosts of all the men who had molested her in the past?
I’ll never know because she doesn’t have a blog.
Furthermore, two weeks ago, I witnessed a strange man walking across the street, grinning silently. If he had a blog, I would be privy to his most private walking-across-the-street-thoughts. I’m almost positive he was thinking something wicked.
DM: The answer is “true”.
VA: Fuck.
DM: Like with cars and the army, technology has advanced to a point where the barriers of incompetence that once prevented women from entering The Internet have been overcome by mangenuity. As a woman, what do you think would be the best way to deter other women from clogging up the internet with their stupid opinions? Perhaps some kind of a USB device with a Go Go Gadget Five Across the Eyes?
VA: Too many women online is the direct fault of Man Laziness. For generations, men have been wasting their time coming up with useful inventions, such as telephones and extra large coolers with wheels, instead of thinking up ingenious ways to keep women occupied.
Let me ask you this! How come men aren’t busy trying to cross breed a horse with a bald eagle? If they did, perhaps they’d end up with a real, live Pegasus. If men would just get off of their lazy asses and invent Pegasus’s for women, paint them pink, and figure out a way to make them smell pretty, women would have no use for any sort of technology ever again.
Dammit! Give me my pink, flying pony!
DM: Do you think a housewife calling herself a “domestic diva” makes her any less of a failure?
VA: Housewives have many uses. For example, they can cure your insomnia by boring the piss out of you until you finally fall asleep. I’ve even heard that some of them make great sperm trashcans. A housewife is like a swiss army knife that bleeds once a month and periodically produces children that look like your best friend.
DM: On the topic of bad role models and bad decisions. You’ve turned down a number of book deals despite the popularity of your website. How is this any different then Lindsay Lohan getting coked up every weekend and Paris Hilton whipping out the snizz to distract everyone from her overt racial prejudice and embarrassing music career? In the words of Montgomery Brewster, I’d encourage my daughter to do “none of the above.”
VA: Make-up.
Oh wait, that can’t be right. Can I change my answer? What I meant to say was: coach purse! *twirls hair*
DM: If you were stranded on a desert island, would you rather have:
a) something a man invented
b) something a woman invented
Keep in mind that food was invented by God, who is a man.
VA: [This space left blank in order to show that I am NOT thorough and therefore, definitely not a man.]
DM: You have an article titled “How to Amaze Your Friends and Family With Your Eerily Accurate Psychic Readings”, in my article “Hocus Pocus: Women are Dumb” I give the age range during which women readily embrace the existence of psychics and clairvoyants at 27-32. How old are you, and do I know women, or do I know women?
VA: That depends.
My crystals are telling me that you’re simply a tortured soul who could use a little bit more love.
My rune stones, on the other hand, are telling me you’re a real fucking jerk.
DM: Did you know that 70% of the prison population arrested for violent crimes were raised by single mothers?
VA: Proving once and for all that modern day men are not strong willed enough and do not possess the mental fortitude to withstand years of logic desensitization at the hands of their loony ass Mothers.
DM: What would you think about requiring a woman to be married before she could vote? Felons can’t vote. How is an unmarriable woman magically different than a felon? Both are the direct result of repeated poor decision making.
VA: Considering the fact that women get stupider after they get married, I am morally opposed to letting married women vote. The same goes for women with children or women with naturally large breasts.
DM: Hillary Clinton has said it takes a village to raise a child, however, I say it only takes the village drunk, so long as that drunk is a man. Don’t you think that’s very clever?
VA: But Hillary Clinton also said that infidelity is ok, so long as your husband fucks a pig. I think we both know who the real genius is here.
DM: On your website, you make the claim, “Slap your girlfriend around! She likes it!” Besides the bedroom, where else do women, “like it”? I myself have found the number of places and their esoteric depravity to be surprising.
VA: Women also enjoy being slapped by their boring, third rate boyfriends in front of the guy they’d secretly like to take his place. There’s not a woman alive who hasn’t fantasized about being rescued by a guy hotter and richer than the one they’re dating.
DM: If women could actually give birth to puppies, which is every woman’s dream, how many do you think they would have? Do you think this womanly hysteria has played some part in the public outcry against Michael Vick?
VA: If Michael Vick was a second string wide receiver, not even men would defend him for hurting those dogs. I guess the ability to throw a football trumps the life of MAN’S BEST FRIEND.
(I’d want 12 puppies)
DM: What would you say is the biggest problem for women today, besides their complete lack of skills, reason, or confidence?
VA: Easy access to plastic surgery and magazines that encourage them to look like aliens.
DM: I would thank you for your time, but you’re a woman and you already have heaps of attention at your beck and call. It would be like tipping Bill Gates for showing me how to sort columns in Excel.
If you are a woman and would like to be interviewed by Dick, fuck off my website before having read this.
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How Feminism Ruined My Sex Life
Related Articles:
Watcher=loser with a tiny dick! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!! http://www.maleenhancement.org/ Hahahahahahahaha!!!!
Hahahahahahahaha!!!! Watcher=Mr. Empty-pants!!! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!
Chris=Mr. Empty-pants
Хм… Мне кажется в этом посте нет никакой логики :)
Люди в таких случаях говорят – Без косы сена не накосишь. ;)
If you really try and read for a bit, you can tell she answers the questions annnd does it in the best possible way! (through comedy)
indirectly and funny, i love this person….
Its the “genius” part that validates cleverness.
Its obvious to me now that Maddox, Dick Masterson, and the woman from Violent Acres are all the same person.
Good show chap, good show.
They’re not, at least the Dick Masterson/Maddox portion of your theory.
Just stumbled upon this “interview” dick. I failed to see the part where she answered any of your questions… : /
Even the ISO standards committee affirms Dick! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ISO_5218
ISO 5218 defines 4 numerical codes for language-neutral gender representation.
0 = not known
1 = male
2 = female
9 = not applicable
So it is an international standard that WE ARE NUMBER 1!!!
The best warmth of a woman I’ve ever felt is when she cooks me a steak and leaves me the hell alone.
God, women are SO FUCKING CLUELESS about how much a man ENJOYS being alone. They, of course, apparently can’t tolerate being away from the groupthinking Oprah-esque clucking hens who secretly despise each other yet still give ‘em all big hugs and screech their names whenever they meet in public.
As far as sad, there is nothing sadder than the futiility of watching a man provide examples–by action or words–of what manliness is to a woman.
Two questions remain unanswered:
1. Why do women constantly think about sex and project their guilt about it onto men by accusing men of thinking of sex constantly? [If men only thought about sex, how would women have cell phones and M3 players? It takes time to invent, design and build stuff that yall take for granted.]
2. Why do women think that because a guy chooses a fast car and a motorcycle as opposed to obsessing about and pursuing women–which women criticize anyway–automatically makes him gay, living with his mommy and works at a loser job? Is denial actually considered a GOOD thing among women?
What’s your point?
Now now, dearie, you fail to back your claims, expecting us to conform to your will automatically. We can’t see your rape fodder here, so you’ll have to act as an individual human being. You can’t just say ‘your cock is small’ and expect everyone gasp at the ingenuity.
And the whole ‘alone’ thing – I don’t know, it seems a step above exchanging the use of a computer for sexual favors with your neighbor in the trailer park, let alone selling your soul to shake your ass for acceptance. Please try to stick to one discussion before scurrying off – and setting up sock-puppets from around the neighborhood isn’t exactly ingenious or incredible.
It’s more of the kind of thing that makes someone want to kill you – hence the observable result of sitting in a dark, secluded area for more than 10 minutes at a time.
this site is a fucking joke and so are you, I imagine you are some pathetic virgin who still lives with your parents forever wondering what it is like to feel the warmth of a woman or even love, I hope you die sad and alone.
Tell yer mom I said “Hi.”
Dad
Wait, maelstrom, why not? Man needs a cum bucket, house cleaner, and cook, no?
I’d say only a fool would pay for such things when there are countless slit-holders to provide them free.
^ Another great woman amongst the thousands that come by. Hear hear.
Good investment.
Ma’am, do you have a sister?
If I can find enough time between giving my boyfriend blowjobs and cooking and cleaning for him…I’m totally buying him one of those men are better than women t-shirts
Wow, both of these websites’ popularity has increased drastically so recently. I wouldn’t expect any less mangenuity from Dick, however.
Hahaha.. I totally forgot about tits.. thanks for bringing it back into my vocabulary.. you are so totally tits!
I actually found this site from V’s.
Great interview, Dick.
I suppose walking outside and asking her is out of the question…
You live with a cunt Savant, you deserve what you get what kind of a fucking fool would live with a cunt?
For some women? Indubitably.
In answer to your subsequent questions:
@Sonyad No, yes, yes, no, no, no.
That’s six questions. Hopefully you can beat the women to the answer.
-wolfe
Damn, Dick. Spot-on interview.
Gotta give props to V as well, for being entertaining.
Oh, oh! I know!
Is it that aviation (death) pioneering European lass that was too much of twit to pull her chute cord the first time she tried to parachute?
Is it Mae West?
- Dj Rynno feat. Sylvia – Feel
Wolfe, is that the repelling Amelia Earhart you’ve got plastered over what would otherwise generally be a visually unoffensive (but otherwise mundanely mushy) blog post?
Seems a bit chubby (not the skull and bones countenance your average photos of Earhart usually depict) to be her.
Yup. Prolly mistaking her for some other twat.
Do I get a cookie?
- Simon Webbe – My Soul Pleads For You
How so? Is coprological frolicking a tell tale headzup for intent of fornication?
- Babilonia
Well, she’s got a point.
I like her site. I’d never heard of it.
-wolfe
She does.
dude…love ir site..jus check this site out..one hysterical female who hasnt found a bf since ages…so,shes out venting her anger and madness on some stupid blog..
http://sahithiramam.blogspot.com/
I love V! I recently discovered her blog, and I couldn’t stop reading until I was all caught up on her archives. She makes so much fucking sense, and she has balls, obviously.
She’s the man, damn it. V is THE MAN.
P.S. How did you know that women secretly desire to have puppies? I’d rather have a litter of puppies than children any day.
Damn Dick, if she weren’t female she would be almost as good as you.
She wants to fuck you, Savant.
This interview was awesome. I especially liked the pegasus part and the Go Go Gadget Five Across The Eyes
My roommate is hot, but she’s an idiot.
She hates cleaning… absolutely hates it. And she can never find time to do it. So of course, her bathroom is a horrible god-forsaken wasteland. It’s such a hellish sty, that she doesn’t want to use it. So in the mornings, she comes and uses my bathroom. This presents a problem, because I need to get up, releive myself and get ready for work.
It’s a circular problem. She hates cleaning, so she lets her bathroom go to shit. But she hates pooping in a shitty bathroom, so she comes and uses mine, which makes my life suck, and increases the chance of me killing her. However, being the mature, sensitive, caring man I am… I placed an outside lock on my bathroom. I than placed outside the door a bucket, squeegee and Max’s pooper-scooper. Problem solved.
Women + logic = huh???
Dick, that interview was tits! V is an absolute loon, but I read her blog regularly. She definately has humorous insights into the female psych.
Top notch interviewing.