WAS…LOL
This question comes to me from William Black.
I wonder why women use “LOL”, “ROFL”, and “STFU”’s when they type. Is it some cutesy, stupid thing added to distract from the fact that their woman argument holds no water? Have you ever seen a man use one of those? I think not.
I talk to my man-mates with instant messaging as little as possible. Each instant message you send is a loss of 2 Man Points. You better believe I lose Man Points as little as possible.
The same rate goes for text messaging as well. Unless you’ve worked out an unlimited Man Point text messaging program with your local Man Bank.
Text and instant messaging are what happens when you take 100 billion dollars of telecommunications technology and paint it pink.
Whenever I see women communicating online, I see a number of things:
1. Gratuitous typos.
2. Shitty punctuation.
3. Arcane symbols of which I am unfamiliar: LOL, BRB, IDK, IJAG.
That last one stands for: I’m just a girl.
As a man, my punctuation is beyond perfection. Women with degrees and without children constantly try to correct me on it, but I ask you ladies this: why does my punctuation need correction if you understood what I was saying in the first place?
Fuck off my website.
It seems like women use abbreviations like LOL and STFU because they have no personality. However, this is not the case. The reason women obsessively list their favorite bands and books is because they have no personality. As if being a whore with favorite books somehow makes you better than the whore who likes Christina Aguilera.
Women use internet abbreviations because they have a neurotic compulsion to adhere to rules like pieces of magnetic shit on the front of a fridge — a fridge in the middle of the city dump. At all times, women are concerned with how they “should be” acting. Should they be excited about something? Should they be sad about something? If it means taking a risk and ruffling some feathers, a woman isn’t going to say it.
That’s why women’s magazines constantly crap out boilerplate articles on the same uninspired topic:
“How to like men.”
“It’s okay to like men.”
“Get over yourself, you frigid cow.”
Women need to know it’s okay to do anything. That’s why they vow to obey men when they get married. Obeying eases their fragile woman minds. And that’s also why they use LOL, STFU, and GIWIWAS. Women need to tell each other it’s okay to proceed. Subtlety, context, and tact is something completely foreign to them.
Women give each other lame clues and codes like marines give each other hand signs on the battlefield. The only difference is, marines are saving the free world, whereas woman are trying not to make each other feel bad for being fucking fat.
GIWIWAS = God, I Wish I Was A Stripper.
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October 5th, 2007 at 12:16 am - IP Man-Hash: b74365257c6f8
I have a wonderful little Samsung flip-phone I have been using for years. When I’m out with the ladies, I always dread the part of the evening when I hear, “::::giggle:::: Like… okay…. like…. want my number so I can text message you?” And my reply is, “Ah… like…. No”.
Then I have to spend the rest of the night explaining why I never agreed to the cellular plan with text messaging service. I could just tell them that its a matter of economy and I’d rather pay $29.00 a month rather than $49.00 a month and have a leash around my neck –– but that would be like trying to explain the quadratic formula to a sleeping dog.
I want a phone –– not a god damn leash.
Here’s my man theory: Captain Kirk ruled the fucking universe with a flip-phone for Christ’s sake, and he didn’t need text messaging to do it…. and he didn’t have any problem getting that alien pussy.
If a standard flip-phone was good enough for Kirk, its good enough for me.
- Sin
October 5th, 2007 at 4:34 am - IP Man-Hash: a281a32be3004
LOL
October 5th, 2007 at 4:41 am - IP Man-Hash: f42c56a3b67c9
Says it all, eh Dick?
October 5th, 2007 at 5:10 am - IP Man-Hash: f42c56a3b67c9
@ Sin City Harley
How nice to be able to have a choice. Unfortunately in the UK you get the text messaging service whether you want it or not. Obviously you don’t have to respond to the texts you receive but you have no choice when it comes to receiving them. But the one thing I don’t have is a cell phone that has the damned camera etc on it and it is wonderful. I don’t get the photo’s of the latest baby to be born in the neighbourhood or any of the other crap that is floating around the airwaves. I use my phone as……wait for it……a phone. If you want to talk to me then by all means give me a call but if you want to send pictures etc then you have to send them to my email address where the spam filter dumps them into the spam inbox and permanently erases them before I get home.
October 5th, 2007 at 6:18 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Great article.
Typing letters and dumbfuck expressions over a billion dollar built by digital voice network is femininity at it’s best.
October 5th, 2007 at 6:19 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Fuck the typo I just arose.
October 5th, 2007 at 6:43 am - IP Man-Hash: 43550fabf5b76
My phone is a wonder of technology. It has quad band communication ability, wi-fi and an internet browser, full QWERTY keyboard, Bluetooth, GPS, SMS messaging, an organizer, a word processor, a camera, a voice recorder, and a video clip from the movie version of Frank Miller’s “300″ to inspire me when I have to slog through the piles of female camel crap at work and university. It is not an iPhone because I am not a borg. It is the baddest-ass phone with the stupidest fucking name ever, the E-TEN Glowfiish.
Because I work full time as an editor whilst taking a full load of coursework at the local university, my phone allows me to telecommute a bitch-slap to some dumb little short-skirted temporary hire with a degree in fluff and kittens who doesn’t know what CFO stands for, while at the same time searching for various critical responses to Milton’s anti-censorship masterpiece “Areopagitica,” all while recording a lecture for later digestion, taking notes on Chaucer’s use of classical mythology in his “Troilus and Criseyde,” and typing this response.
So man points to RobC and Sin City Harley for not orgasming over such dumb shit as text messages and retarded photos, and treating a phone for what it is–a fucking phone. All I ask is that you do not judge those men with all the bells and whistles too harshly, as I use my phone much like I would a Swiss army knife with toothpick, death ray and battle axe options–that is, to kick approximately 4 times as much ass per minute as I normally would.
You can still judge people with iPhones.
October 5th, 2007 at 7:33 am - IP Man-Hash: cfc16a8e6e502
My old phone called people.
My new phone had a billion functions, to include making the toilet water swirl the other way around. I found this out, because I tried using T9, and it pissed me off. So I flushed it.
I never figured out if it actually called anyone… I suspect it didn’t, since all the girls I know never called me. They just “sent me texts”. I actually figured out why. Apparently, when asked the common question “how was your day”, texting allows women to come up with a buch of interesting shit they want us to think they did.
(1) Nothing they do is interesting to us.
(2) Never ask a girl “how was your day”. You really don’t care.
So my newest phone has a camera on it. Boy, this little beast is fucking cool. I can text, talk, take pictures and drive, all at the same time. How do I know? A chick I know has the same phone. And she let me know all this (of course, via texting… while driving) that she was doing so.
I have never wished a painful fate upon a friend until now. Fuck cell phones.
Oh, whoops. LO-fucking-L.
October 5th, 2007 at 7:51 am - IP Man-Hash: f42c56a3b67c9
@ tin.armour
I have no probs with your phone and wouldn’t even consider a deduction of man points from you. In my opinion, no one can deduct manpoints from a man, only add them….he deducts them from himself when he knows he deserves to have them deducted. The difference between your phone and mine is that mine is for personal use only. If I need to use a phone for work I use the company’s phone that is plugged into the wall. If I need to bark at some lazy bitch I walk over to her hand do it to her face (also applies to males if they derserve it though I normally only have to talk to them as they have the comMAN sense to realise when they have fucked up and admit it). I don’t have a company mobile phone and would refuse to have one if they gave it to me as I would consider it a “Leash around my neck” and it would have me at their beck and call out of hours. My company doesn’t even have my personal number. They think they do but it is one digit out. When I go home I am finished with the place. If the burglar alarm goes off or the place starts to burn down at 3.30 am don’t call me about it. Call the Police or the Fire Brigade who are paid to have their Man-Sleep disturbed. I am not. If not, just let the place be robbed or burn down and I will call the insurance company in the morning.
October 5th, 2007 at 8:14 am - IP Man-Hash: 43550fabf5b76
Fantastic. I primarily telecommute and I am often traveling so I have very little face-to-face interaction with the writers I supervise; consequently, I have given a great deal of thought to investing in the USB-powered Go Go Gadget Five Across the Eyes Dick mentioned in his interview with V. Especially because it is my name associated with the finished product. I would need to figure out how to trigger it remotely, but fortunately my IT person is a very capable man and I have full confidence in his ingenuity.
October 5th, 2007 at 9:18 am - IP Man-Hash: d653cff06dec4
Cell phones are so fucking dumb now I refuse to get one.
My old one was a simple ATT flipphone(before they reabsorbed Cingular) that was used only for calls but had some slow as fuck text shit bundled. That motherfucker survived being slammed on the ground after talking to a few dumb bitches, falling down stairs drunk, and even being dropped into a shitfilled toilet, thoroughly rinsed(after I let it dry out for a day). That’s manly as fuck.
Most cable companies now bundle digital landlines with unlimited calling plans that are cheaper than cells and have more minutes. If you have to have a phone on you every where you go, you’re fucked.
Call me when someone starts a cellular service with Verizon-like coverage, simple to use voice-only phones that cost no more than $30 a month.
October 5th, 2007 at 9:53 am - IP Man-Hash: e36376410e1aa
That was funny.
-Dick
October 5th, 2007 at 10:46 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
Yeah, I’m with all the guys speaking about simple phones. My new phone plays movies, music, has a camera, etc.
And I can’t go anywhere with it.
A lot of places that take security seriously ban cameras (yet still often allow old-tech phones).
As Savant suggests, these phones with all these crappy multi-tasking functions are perfect for women who think they can crappily multi-task.
So I’m back to my old phone. Simple, but works. And no texts, no LOLs, no music, no video, no camera.
-wolfe
October 5th, 2007 at 11:26 pm - IP Man-Hash: 6a4d315fdc249
Rule#361: Don’t answer the phone just because it rings.
I hate phones, I don’t answer the phone…
I do have an answering machine.
This is 555-5555 leave a message or leave me alone.
October 6th, 2007 at 12:04 am - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
I always answer the phone. Charges my credit up for free by some trivial fraction of what whoever’s calling me is spending…
Wolfe, maybe you should switch with my Siemens A70(I finally gave up on that old Nokia). At least the battery will last you weeks at a time.
I wouldn’t snuff haut technology so readily. A friend of mine lends me his PDA sometimes for navigating our crazy tiny municipality as he’s as yet saving for his car and it’s much more use to me.
It’s got everything from bluetooth, wireless lan capability and qwerty board to the very latest gps and assorted software.
- Aly & AJ - Potential Breakup Song
October 6th, 2007 at 2:30 am - IP Man-Hash: 46906ab86ba67
I have a relatively new Samsung flip phone. Its fucked already.
It either fucked itself or I fucked it by having it too close to my amp. Im leaning towards the latter.
I can still send and receive calls and messages and thats all I need it for. I dont call bitches and they dont call me, which is fine because it gives me that much more time and money to do worthwhile mantivities.
*D3C*
October 6th, 2007 at 2:35 am - IP Man-Hash: f42c56a3b67c9
People can say what they like. I still use my old Nokia. People call, it rings, I call them, their phone rings, they talk, I talk and we can both hear each other. What else does a man need a phone for? If I want to take a picture I use my camera. If I want to send a message I use email. If I don’t have access to a PC then I don’t need to send a message as I am busy doing something else other than working. I love the simple life.
Oh yeah….one more thing that makes life nice and simple where my cell phone is concerned. NO woman has my number!!! And should one ever get hold of my number then I would just get a new sim card.
October 7th, 2007 at 6:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 554e6dfd95908
I couldn’t agree more with you, Dick.
October 8th, 2007 at 1:08 am - IP Man-Hash: 422940479a69d
Dick, I disagree.
I think it’s manly to use instant messengers. It’s quicker, efficient, and more satisfying to feel a bitch cry in real time.
Good article though. What I hate is also how they make ones like ROFLMAO.