Men do everything one of two ways. We either do things as hard and as fast as possible, like a Corvette with Jimmy Page airbrushed onto the hood — awesome; or we do them not at all.

That’s why men are better than women at wearing jewelry. We don’t pussyfoot around things like a bunch of ladies.

Men wear jewelry in the same way we celebrate sons who are superb athletes or the way we have midlife crises. When it’s happening, everyone knows it and everyone better fucking recognize it as a big deal. The World Wrestling Federation championship title belt weighs over 6 pounds. Deal with it.

What comes to mind when you think of a ring? Probably some chinsy little strip of gold with a diamond and a 150-pound anchor attached to it sinking you into a pit of hell. The anchor is a metaphor for the woman wearing it. Marriage is the pit of hell — except marriage is the kind of hell that kicks you out when you can’t afford it anymore. I guess in that way, marriage is nothing like hell. Marriage is more like a prostitute and Yakov Smirnoff mixed together. In marriage, prostitute fucks you!

What comes to mind when you think of a Man Ring? Nothing but the ultimate in class and refinement times two. That’s men for you.

Women are so much worse than men they can take something stunning and rare and awesome like gold and rubies and ruin them with their cheapness and consumerism. Jewelry is ostentatious wealth. That’s why you don’t see men drooling over engagement rings at the mall come February 1st. Men, by nature, are not attracted to ostentation.

Don’t believe me? Marriage rates for people under 25 are plummeting and as of 2007, every woman under 25 is an obnoxious, self-righteous whore whose laughter resembles the she-braying of a fem-donkey. Do I need to draw a fucking pie-chart for you?

No. Pie charts are womanly and were invented by a woman so I would never do that. As far as I’m concerned, any scientific data that can’t be surmised in a sports analogy can go fuck itself. Let me give an example of a properly scientific ass-whooping:

Fact:

By the age of 50, 80 percent of women will have acquired a sexually transmitted disease known as HPV at least once.

Manslation

If you’re a woman, you’ve got a better chance of getting an STD in your life than Wayne Rooney has of getting hit by a fucking VW during the World Cup.

What Do the Superbowl, Boxing, and Wrestling Have in Common? Enormous men with bad fucking attitudes and rings worth more than your ass. That’s some man jewelry.

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This entry was posted under Doings and Dealings.