Who’s Walking Who?
Women should not be allowed to walk down the street without a leash.
Every man knows what’s important in everything. It’s a little thing called fundamentals. For example, the fundamental skill of walking down the fucking street. Men know that’s important.
I was in San Diego this weekend for a meeting and I guess there was some kind of sports costume party at the hotel I was at. The reason I think this is because there were a bunch of women there dressed up as athletes. When I saw “dressed up” as athletes that’s exactly what I mean. In no way could they be mistaken for actual athletes as they were each a minimum of thirty pounds overweight.
You do the math. Unless you’re Babe Ruth, Tony Gwynn, or any American football player, exceeding two miles an hour while exceeding the stress levels of your Lane Bryant’s by ten pounds equals a heart attack.
I was walking up to the hotel with my luggage and who should come barreling down on me but two of the most flagrant abuses of the term athlete that I have ever seen. I believe they were each chowing down on a bear claw, however, that may have been an optical illusion. Women are great at optical illusions. That’s why they have makeup, to give men the illusion that they’re worth a damn. When two women share the collective weight of three or four women, my man-mind can’t help but fill in the blanks.
What happened next was that neither of the heifers moved out of the way. As a man, you know exactly what I’m talking about. The process of falling into a single file line when one has to share a lane with oncoming traffic. Of course women don’t have any such instinct.
Afraid that I would contract fatness on contact, I stepped into the grass and let the two big shit barges pass like I was some kind of sexy speedboat. As I was frowning and hoping it had been at least a day since they had watered the lawn, I came up with this theory:
Women should not be allowed to walk down the street without a leash.
What’s the fucking downside? None. Frankly I think women would embrace it. Just like they embrace everything a man tells them to do. It’s just like how women pretend to be even stupider and more useless than they actually are to attract men. Have a bitch slap a leash on herself and you’re talking hot summer fashion.
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February 13th, 2006 at 9:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8dd3dc862afae
No you can’t. You have a finite number of years to dislike everyone.
Jesus. Women and their broken promises.
-Dick
February 14th, 2006 at 7:31 am - IP Man-Hash: 957564b4aff6d
I could definitely see a leash becoming high fashion. It’s already fashionable among certain sub-cultures - it wouldn’t take much to push it mainstream.
Pair it with a ball-gag, and I think we just may have a winning combo.
February 14th, 2006 at 12:17 pm - IP Man-Hash: 7f5a0b2070dae
What do you think of the use of a choker chain, Dick? I mean, those things are silver and shiny. You know how us chicks like shiny things.
February 14th, 2006 at 12:45 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
You know what, Grump. If Tiffany’s made one of those invisible electric dog collars, it would be an overnight best seller.
I like this choker chain idea. Maybe I should start selling them here.
-Dick
February 14th, 2006 at 1:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: b6ba5a45dd6bd
Great idea Grump, Dick, you know when you make those you could probably get Victoria’s Secret to buy millions of them.
February 14th, 2006 at 1:50 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc4b477cfd13b
Check this out: Choke Chains from GunDogSupply.com.
Even the most expensive ones only cost a few bucks. Outfit them with tags with the mabtw.com logo on them for an extra ten, and you’re in business making a hefty profit.
You might even do custom engraving with the woman’s name on it — it would save guys endless time when she goes out trolling on the weekends.
Dakota Smith
February 14th, 2006 at 2:01 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
That’s great. If I wanted women to wear them though, I’d have to add another zero.
-Dick
February 14th, 2006 at 2:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: b6ba5a45dd6bd
Excellent Dakota!! We will engrave the woman’s name on the front of the tags and who she belongs to and where to return her on the back.
February 14th, 2006 at 3:47 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
Good think you’re rich or you’d never get any at all.
February 14th, 2006 at 4:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc4b477cfd13b
I really like this one. It actually looks like a modern fashion accessory.
You know, I bet you could sell them as jewelry. I could see this on the average woman at a club on Saturday night …
Dakota Smith
February 14th, 2006 at 4:05 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc4b477cfd13b
And I just noticed that the description specifically says they fit Britannies and Springers! Just imagine how much trouble could have been saved by outfitting Britney Spears with one! :D
Dakota Smith
February 14th, 2006 at 4:12 pm - IP Man-Hash: dc4b477cfd13b
I’m amazed you haven’t figured this out yet, Fem:
Most women don’t actually want what they think is a nice guy. They say they want a nice guy, but when they find one, they find him boring.
The kind of men who actually attract women tend to treat them like shit. I’ve never figured out why women say they want one thing but are actually drawn to something else, but it’s true.
So if you’re worried that Dick might not be getting laid often enough because he’s not “nice” to women, I’d suggest you’re entirely wrong. He’s probably got women hanging off of him, eager to be abused.
Not that I’m saying you abuse women, Dick, ’cause I don’t think you do. I’m just saying that the most successful men sexually are the ones who treat women like shit.
February 14th, 2006 at 4:19 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
That may be true Dakota. Karma works in strange ways though. The only types of women attracted to abusive men are the ones devoid of a brain.
February 14th, 2006 at 5:53 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
What about the ones attracted to abusive websites?
-Dick
February 14th, 2006 at 5:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
Are you asking me if I find you attractive? What do you think?
February 14th, 2006 at 6:00 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
Like you said, Man’s fault is his optimism.
February 14th, 2006 at 6:03 pm - IP Man-Hash: f3ae1ac46a2e3
What?
-Dick
February 14th, 2006 at 11:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: e4caf524df8b3
I think you just need to fuck off, Female :)
February 15th, 2006 at 3:06 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
I think you need to take your own advice Devek :)
February 15th, 2006 at 9:34 pm - IP Man-Hash: 29b2f55551287
Fem said:
Like you said, Man’s fault is his optimism.
Hope for the best, and expect the worst. What more can you do?