Women Are a Passport to Trouble
I made a rule with myself one summer when I was quite a bit younger. I won’t bore you with the story because it’s not all that funny or interesting and I’m a man and not a woman. Women will sit around all day and tell the most boring stories in the world back and forth like a pair of mimes playing ping pong.
Actually I take that back. A story implies some kind of a goddamn point. No woman has ever had one of those.
The rule I made was:
Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t hold their own passport.
Effectively I have also heard the same basic advice given as such:
Don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
But quite frankly I think there is a time and a place for remarks of that nature — the blue and bawdy nature — and this isn’t either one.
No woman has ever been in charge of her own passport. This isn’t in the same way no woman has ever been in charge of the dinner bill either. Women can’t do math. That’s been proven again and again for thousands of years. That’s why men have always paid for dinner. It’s not about chivalry or any of that shit. It’s that women can’t add or subtract or fucking count to 20 without sandals on. Making them count up the bill in their little heads will just waste your time and embarrass and humiliate them.
As every man knows, A publicly embarrassed woman means no one is getting fucked tonight — except for you and the dinner you just bought. And that’s why men are in charge of the tab.
Passports are completely different. Men are in charge of passports because women hate them — passports, not men. It’s a funny thought to hold in your man-brain that women hate passports; especially seeing as how a man’s passport is in a man’s pants and women worship everything else in there like it’s made of Antidote. I’m talking about keys, wallets, and cocks here. Did I miss anything?
Ask yourself this: have you ever known a man who lost his passport?
There is absolutely no fucking way in the whole entire Earth that you have. Men don’t pull that kind of shit. I doubt it’s even possible. Even if a man walked to the edge of the sea and chucked his passport in, somehow it would probably be in his underwear drawer upon returning home. It’s like some kind of natural man magic. It’s not important. What does matter is that it’s a complete fact.
Women resent passports like they’re good advice. The bottom line is that women cannot stand the thought of anything summing them up by even the smallest degree. Women don’t even technically like being called human beings because it implies something about them. That’s why women “invent” all kinds of fucking stupid new age terms like “Goddess” and “Wind Goddess” and “Life Bearer”. It’s all a bunch of rinky-dink, primary school jerking off that gives my dog a fucking headache.
Don’t trust anyone who doesn’t carry their own passport. If you would, get the fuck out of here because you’re a woman and on your way out the door hand your passport to the nearest man.
Related Articles:
June 8th, 2006 at 7:49 am - IP Man-Hash: 5950bb08d3016
I’ll have to agree on the math thing here. Even though education greatly favors women these days, men STILL outpace women in math.
In a catholic grade school that I attended our teacher always made us do SPEED DRILLS, no ladies it’s not how fast many men can nail you. We had a huge sheet of math problems and we had a transparency over the sheet. When the timer went off we raced to see who could do the fastest most accurate math.
NEver once do I remember a girl winning, but that’s not the point.
The point is that the girls ALWAYS complained that the test was unfair towards them.
That’s rich, like in life when say something breaks on an airplane or out in space you are going to be given your sweet time to solve the problem.
Anyways, they can’t do math if their life depended on it.
June 8th, 2006 at 12:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: e9fbd45a802fe
Maybe if we invented(becuase only men invent things) one of those compact makeup things that have theyre info on the bottom they wouldnt lose it, becuase makeup seems to be one of the only things women have to have at all times.
June 8th, 2006 at 1:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
D, that’s an excellent point, however, my point is that women actually hate passports and lose them on purpose.
-Dick
June 8th, 2006 at 9:56 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
I just lost my coffee. Damn you again Masterson!
June 9th, 2006 at 6:37 am - IP Man-Hash: d5c40ac258d40
HAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know a fella who lost his passport!!!!!!!! i know loadsa people who did-men and women.It’s nothing to do with their gender….they’re just disorganised kinda people thats all.
And dick,what are ya shitin’ on bout now???? Women can tell stories with a ‘point’…..obviously you don’t read much…..(there are 1000’s of excellent female authors out there)
I’m doing my Leaving Cert at the moment.I had my maths exam yesturday.I aced it…. as always.
HAHA ofcourse women can take care of the tab! My boyfriend and I always split the cost of dinner.All my mates are like that too.Im better at maths than my boyfriend and many of my male friends.
Heehee,judging by your sensless articles,im probably better educated than you,Dick!I know how the world works……..i know people are the way they are because of their genetic make up,not because of their gender.Therefore i am less bitter than you are.Hate that Dick.
And women do invent things,you men know sweet fuck all.
June 9th, 2006 at 3:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: a8dc73b6dd800
If you’re so well educated then what’s up with your grammar?
June 9th, 2006 at 3:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: a8dc73b6dd800
Pixie if you’re so well educated then what’s up with your grammar?
June 9th, 2006 at 3:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: fdc97f2a7128a
I doubt women really care that much about their passports to give them that much thought, let alone ‘resent’ them - unless, of course, they want to travel abroad and they are about to board a plane.
Dick - you are way off here.
June 9th, 2006 at 3:38 pm - IP Man-Hash: 4ea5b60c84502
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz………..Oh sorry Dick, Pixie started talking and it cured my insomnia.
June 9th, 2006 at 5:13 pm - IP Man-Hash: 76cebfba7c181
Oh my.
It’s beyond parody.
Words fail me.
Surely Dick is paying Pixie to post to make women look incredibly stupid?
Of course, I thought that about Female when she started posting.
Steve: succinctly said. But forget her grammar and spelling; what about the punctuation!?
Oldone: Heh.
Luka: He is off base, but he is also circling around some essential truths. And I admit, having travelled with women, the article was kind of funny. There’s an excitable verbalized obsessive/paranoid [NOT speaking clinically here, just in layman's terms] incompetence with travel documents and arrangements that women seem far more prone to.
It’s possible men are as prone to the same reaction (I don’t think so, but I admit the possibility), but they generally don’t show it the way women do. It’s possible I’ve had incredibly bad luck in travelling with unusually neurotic women. It’s also possible those women wanted to demonstrate strange levels of feeble helplessness to me for reasons of their own.
-wolfe
June 9th, 2006 at 6:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 9fe794327d1c5
Wolfe, I admire your considering of all possibilities in your debates. You never cease to be as fair as possible. Masculine kudos to you.
June 10th, 2006 at 3:33 am - IP Man-Hash: 31b9f0e0114c5
As usual, hit the topic right and we have them coming out of the woodwork, denying it.
Well done D.M.
June 10th, 2006 at 7:24 am - IP Man-Hash: ed8b4eb7d4be8
Yes, but you’re a woman. What you “doubt” or “think” is of no consequence to me or the world.
-Dick
June 11th, 2006 at 3:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: fdc97f2a7128a
Wolfe said:
You could be right, but I cannot say that this is what I have observed or experienced myself - I am not saying it doesn’t happen at all, just that I have never experienced it. I think my only quibble was with the whole explanation for a woman’s ‘incomptence’ with her travel documents. I think its far-fetched to say women resent their passports - I do grok the humour though…but it might be more accurate to state that women resent their passport photos - I hate mine!
June 12th, 2006 at 9:16 am - IP Man-Hash: c4d026b819ad4
He is right. It’s because he’s a man and his brain has a special “Correctness Gland” women lack.
-Dick
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:02 pm - IP Man-Hash: b970e8787af34
“I’m better at maths”? There’s only one math. You seem to be speaking about two “maths”. Either you don’t know enough about math, or you can’t count to two.
“because of their genetic make up,not because of their gender”
I thought our genes determined our gender.
March 24th, 2007 at 4:14 am - IP Man-Hash: b9f779a6d51d8
I know quite a few people who are good at math and I’m not half bad myself. You do not strike me as a person who is good at math as it requires logic and reasoning skills. Your lack of coherent thought or ability to formulate them to make a point makes me believe that beyond adding and subtracting numbers you have no knowledge of what math is about.
March 24th, 2007 at 5:42 am - IP Man-Hash: 78aa99a80f85e
Actually, in this case, the use of “maths” as an a abbreviation of “mathematics” is probably indicative of the poster’s location.
“Maths” is an accepted abbreviation in Britain.
March 24th, 2007 at 8:38 am - IP Man-Hash: ec4099494ceba
It is. Ah isn’t linguistics fun.
June 4th, 2007 at 8:21 am - IP Man-Hash: 6a7de0d3ef70b
I wonder why women, let alone anyone, continues to try and challenge dick. It’s obvious, no matter how hard you try, you can’t win and even if the person happened to win, dick will just blow it off anyway. Winning is about seeing the loser cripple in his/her’s puddle of failure, and dick is impervious to this.
November 1st, 2007 at 11:16 pm - IP Man-Hash: 540f95f4d5a0c
I couldn’t agree with you more, “sensless,” on the fact that women invent things. My last Ameribitch invented more tall tales than the best of our fiction writers could admire in a lifetime of slothful eye-grazing.
Are you still there, you illiterate shrew.
November 1st, 2007 at 11:21 pm - IP Man-Hash: 540f95f4d5a0c
And yes, sensless, I am aware of your quoted post’s date.
June 3rd, 2008 at 9:48 pm - IP Man-Hash: 027cffbebe429
Shit man.
You are right everytime. I am a frequent traveler and have worked abroad extensively.
Of all the time I was abroad I don’t remember one man losing his Passport or any other items of importance.
But a bitch did lose her laptop, bookbag, belongings, passport and many other things foolishly strolling around at night after dark in a Latin American country.
I guess that’s all I need to say right there. It’s self-explanatory.