Hocus Pocus: Women Are Dumb
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The reason women gobble up Feng Shui, healing crystals, and all that other bullshit like pigs at a trough, is because their vaginas aren’t worth shit after the age of 26.
They need something to fill the gap.
Don’t believe me? When was the last time a woman over 26 didn’t lie to you about her age?
All human beings need a purpose. We need to have something to give, because it means we get something in return. That’s human nature. We men can feel good about ourselves without being promiscuous whores because as men we have skills and ideas instead of positions and tongues. That’s also human nature.
That’s how the laws of economics apply to the job market. What a manly thing for me to have just said.
That’s also what the Smurfs was all about: in a perfect world, everyone has a job and doing that job means a bunch of other jobs get done for you. As a man, I understand that. The only philosophies women draw from the Smurfs are that it’s okay to fuck a hundred guys, and that anyone who cares more about the Smurf berries getting eaten by an ogre than pining to fuck the only girl in town is gay.
Straight guys have to eat too. Eating is like sports and having one last pint. To men, they’re both more important than getting laid.
All men have a purpose. I’m hilarious and everything I say is a supernova of truth. That’s my purpose. Women, however, exist to get fucked. Actually, I take that back. That’s only true until they’re 27. After that it’s a desperate slide into Hocus Pocus and expensive baloney.
Mature Women’s Studies (ages 27 and over)
101: Psychics and Clairvoyance (ages 27-32)
The first step to getting a degree at the Women’s Academy of Mystical Bullshit is to believe in psychics with all of your little heart.
The reason women believe in clairvoyance is because they need to have something to give. A 27 year old vagina isn’t something to give anymore, it’s something that needs care. It needs to be tagged as un-marriable and checked into a convalescent home. Without their vaginas, women cling to a world of clairvoyance and foresight like bits of shit onto a sinking toilet.
“If I believe in psychics, doesn’t that make me a psychic?” says a woman. “Doesn’t that mean I have something to give?”
No. You don’t have to be psychic to spot a cougar from twenty paces.
201: Feng Shui, Tarot, and Horoscopes (ages 33-38)
Feng Shui is the art of a woman turning her fuck-ups into a stockpile of Karma, and her husband’s success into the depths of her understanding of a cheap-shit wheel made in China.
If women read enough books on this kind of crap, they all figure out the same thing: nothing ever was anyone’s fault, men aren’t better than women, and no man has ever succeeded because of hard work and dedication. It was because he was born on a Tuesday.
No, ladies. It was because he was born with a cock.
The Chinese have a saying about Feng Shui. Roughly translated, it goes, “white women should shut their fucking mouths.”
301: Magical Healing (ages 39-45)
There are many types of magical healing, but there has only been one Jesus.
The difference between Jesus and every woman who has ever picked up a book on healing crystals, acupuncture, Reiki, aromatherapy, homeopathy, magnetic healing, aura therapy, faith healing, therapeutic touch, and anything else that starts with a sucker and ends with a bill, is that Jesus was remembered after he died. That can’t be said for any woman who has ever owned a book on how to be a reverse Bogeyman.
That’s women in their 40’s for you: just as dumb as women in their 20’s.
401: Angels (ages 46 and over)
As a man, you can have opinions and lengthy discussions about religion. As a woman, you can shut the fuck up about religion because you don’t know what you’re talking about.
A miracle is when a 747 doesn’t crash into an orphanage. A miracle is when you get shot in the head and it somehow misses your brain. A miracle is not Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood — nor is a miracle any other sob story about some dumb cunt who couldn’t understand a cell phone bill let alone a dogmatic philosophy.
Angels are not the man you couldn’t please long enough to stick around and take care of you. They live in heaven. Why would they give a shit that you locked your keys in your car.
Manclusion
All women lie about their age. To narrow down the number, ask her which of the above topics sounds most appealing. Toss in the Socratic Method as a laugh. If she thinks you meant Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch, order up a round of Rufitini’s on me. She’s just right.
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August 29th, 2007 at 5:41 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Nor is it mine. What’s your point?
August 29th, 2007 at 5:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef2bdacae4e57
What a load of crap. The myth that Einstein was a theist has been addressed by Richard Dawkins. What Einstein said is that he had something akin to a religion, in the sense that he was mesmerized by the beauty and structure of reality. He did NOT believe in god, and he especifically wrote a letter to a Christian orgazination in the late 1940s asking them to stop mentioning him as a theistic scientist. As for all of the other names you have mentioned, I can mention 10 atheistic scientist for every theistic one. The overwhelming majority of scientists in the 21st Century are atheists. There were more theistic scientists in the past because our knowledge of evolutionary biology, physics and neurophysiology was more primitive back then, so there was still room for explanations and hypothesis that included a god. From the second half of the 20th Century to now the numbers of theistic scientists have declined dramatically.
P Coderch
August 29th, 2007 at 5:51 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef2bdacae4e57
Nor is it mine. What’s your point?
My point is that socialism was an utter failure and will never return, because no one wants it to. Even the Scandinavian countries are privatizing their industries and diminishing the role of the State in society and the economy. Point out the grammatical mistakes I have made in this misive, Sonyad.
P Coderch
August 29th, 2007 at 5:57 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
You do mean missive, don’t you? You pushed me to it, you know.
August 29th, 2007 at 5:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Or maybe Craig submissive or admissive to defeat… I don’t know.
See what you make me do?
August 29th, 2007 at 6:08 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef2bdacae4e57
You are fighting a lost cause. The Soviet Union went down, and the old members of the politburo are the new hyper-capitalist oil plutocrats that rule Russia while the population starves. Join us, the libertarians, Sonyad: we won, and we rule the World. If only you could think as well as you can spell…
P Coderch
August 29th, 2007 at 6:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Buahahaha!
August 29th, 2007 at 7:46 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
@PCoderch: English is my first language. I’m surprised it isn’t yours, considering the panache with which you curse in English. You are certainly full of theories and ‘facts’ and invective toward wolfe and others. When you have that coveted degree under your belt and a few years behind you, I think you’ll be a bit more respectful of the path others have already traveled. And you might bear in mind that wolfe is not the professor who is giving you mediocre (or worse) grades in your pursuit of that degree. He already has what you seek. Chin up. Perhaps someday you’ll have the respect of others, as he does.
August 29th, 2007 at 8:10 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef2bdacae4e57
Deep down, I know that you are crying because you know that socialism has failed forever.
P Coderch
August 29th, 2007 at 8:15 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef2bdacae4e57
Learning to curse in your language is not exactly hard, considering that the cultural garbage that your country exports to other countries, like Hollywood films and rap music, are loaded with them. Learning a few words is not as hard as learning a whole language. And no, Wolfe certainly doesent have what I want: money. So I have no reason to be jealous of him.
P Coderch
August 29th, 2007 at 8:42 pm - IP Man-Hash: 04de1e4af36c0
@PCoderch: Well, that clears THAT up. Perhaps the best way to make your point is to quit taunting wolfe and dragging his name into unrelated comments. As for what the US exports to other countries, it’s a matter of supply and demand. When y’all occupy the higher plane, you can eschew our filthy culture and teach us a lesson by no longer buying what we’re selling. In the meantime, do tell me where you are pursuing your education.
August 29th, 2007 at 9:20 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@hobot the latter doesn’t deserve congratulation. No, I don’t wish to see women shot in the head. It’s a riff on their brains being elsewhere. (My original comment was that possibly slapping a woman on the ass stimulated blood flow to her brain. You can search for it. I thought it was funny. I think only diamatik agreed.)
Women are the violent misanthropic types. Men don’t need to be.
Best,
-wolfe
August 29th, 2007 at 9:32 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Sony - your riff on Craig and PCoderch was pretty funny. It certainly brings a new meaning to Craig’s List. Or Private Idaho. There were two other GOP’ers embodied in sex scandals recently; one was Sen. Vitter of LA (supposedly ‘merely’ female prostitutes), and, interestingly, his approval ratings remain very high.
That actually says a lot more about the politics in LA than you might think it does. (Democrats are so corrupt in that state that a screw-around Republican is preferable. Go figure). The other, I don’t recall, but his excuse for soliciting (male sex) was that he was ’scared’ of all the black people around him in the park at night. Yeah. Good one.
Anyway, there’s some more ammo for you to make fun of your hated enemy the GOP.
In my case, since I hate hypocrisy and perversion, I welcome seeing these guys come down.
BTW, did you know that Master PCoderch is level 46? In Warcraft? Which is not the same as World of Warcraft?
Cheers,
-wolfe.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Alex You’re wrong.
Good to see you posting though. Come over on my blog (http://www.wolfesmusings.com ) and join in the fun.
And actually, it’s unkind to say you’re wrong. Some professors do make less than 60k.
It really depends on the institution and the area of expertise. History professors aren’t top of the list (nor should we be).
Top tier institutions generally compensate full professors with 130k or so.
In my case, Master PCoderch forgets that I was once an engineer and co-founded a company. We were bought out for a respectable sum; I wound up sitting on a couple of boards to dispense my advice, and I continued to consult, and still do so today.
At age 27 (or so) I could comfortably afford to retire. Instead, I did a PhD in history. It’s what I wanted to do.
My salary as an academic (even now that it’s hit 6 figures) has never equaled my continuing income as a consultant and board member.
I don’t say this to boast. I simply state it as fact.
And yeah, I’ve a couple of contracts with NATO and State that bring in revenue, but most of that flows out to grad students and other team members.
That said, I’ve deliberately chosen a lifestyle and career that is suboptimal in terms of revenue generation.
I don’t care.
Money is not the sole measure of a man. Enough work or money to very comfortably support a family darn well is. After that? It’s like comparing penises.
And if you do that with the trunk of a bonsai tree as your metric, some woman, somewhere, is going to be very sad.
Best to all, even Master P Coderch, level 46 Orc Queen in Warcraft. (not WoW which is, I am told, for ‘faggots’).
Thanks for your comments, Alex.
-wolfe
August 29th, 2007 at 10:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 8e5a3b96b3ac3
wolfe, you can say that again. I lived in N’awlins for three years in the late ’80’s. Moving to San Diego, a place rife with political corruption was really kind of a relief after watching Louisiana politics. Craziest thing I’ve every seen.
August 30th, 2007 at 12:17 am - IP Man-Hash: 2587a5110b1e2
@ P Coderch:
Theres nothing really wrong in being a professor of a leading US university. I say thats pretty respectable. Since you claim you are heading to a prestigeous US university, mind telling me which and maybe I will reach there before you do.
August 30th, 2007 at 2:59 am - IP Man-Hash: c74e68c34f7f0
And I still agree. I even used that line at work once; it got no responses. Not even the guys laughed (but I guess its because they’re wary of the possible repercussions).
August 30th, 2007 at 5:17 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@Ian, if memory serves you posted ages ago on this site. If so, welcome back. If I’m mistaken, welcome. Very well said, sir.
As I’ve said before: Faith bridges a gulf of epistemological uncertainty that reason cannot. Faith does not deny reason; reason and faith complement one another.
One (such as my friend Sam Adams) is at perfect liberty to say “wolfe, I think you are wrong”, and he would be logically correct in his statement. But Sam is not so great a fool as to say “wolfe, you are wrong.” For that would require him to elevate his own beliefs beyond rationality.
(I hope you don’t mind the modest attribution of friendship from a Christian and vaguely pro-Zionist right-winger, Sam. Perhaps you can conceal it from all you know).
Those who fail to recognize this… well, they fail.
Respect to all.
By the way, did you know that not only can P Coderch benchpress 350 grams without help from her mother; she also has an invisible magical dragon friend that will breath fire on anyone who is mean to her, while Coderch flees to the magical cave?
And no, the “breath fire” is not a metaphor or euphemism for Coderch’s halitosis. That problem was fixed in eighth grade, and we should not speak of it, lest we be beaten by invisible dragons.
Or breathed on.
It’s true. I read it on a blog somewhere.
-wolfe
August 30th, 2007 at 5:20 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
@all “breathe”. I lack.
@diamatik
Probably. I liked the riff, it’s writing I would like to reproduce on my blog because it made fun of me being clueless as to women, and made fun of women. (Now I just need to find it. Darn search function).
I think there might be a good book in “wolfe’s lessons on dealing with women”.
-wolfe
August 30th, 2007 at 10:12 am - IP Man-Hash: c46011aeb3b2a
No worries, wolfe. I may be a leftie (please don’t call me a liberal, though), but I have friends whose perspectives are all over the map. We usually just talk about what we have in common and leave the contentious stuff out of it unless we’re teasing each other.
And you’re right, I really try to qualify what I say as my belief rather than disguise it as an absolute pronouncement of eternal truth. When possible, I try to write using e-prime, which is English without using the verb “to be”. Instead of saying “you’re wrong”, it forces one to say something like “I find an error in your reasoning.” In other words, it shifts the focus from an absolute statement of objective truth (as though one could actually say such a thing) to a subjective statement originating from one person’s perspective.
Not that I do it all the time, or even very much. It’s much harder than it looks and requires constant attention, but the benefits are substantial. (Now, see, in e-prime, I would say “I find it harder than it looks and it requires my constant attention, but I find it yields substantial benefits.”)