Hocus Pocus: Women Are Dumb
Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.
The reason women gobble up Feng Shui, healing crystals, and all that other bullshit like pigs at a trough, is because their vaginas aren’t worth shit after the age of 26.
They need something to fill the gap.
Don’t believe me? When was the last time a woman over 26 didn’t lie to you about her age?
All human beings need a purpose. We need to have something to give, because it means we get something in return. That’s human nature. We men can feel good about ourselves without being promiscuous whores because as men we have skills and ideas instead of positions and tongues. That’s also human nature.
That’s how the laws of economics apply to the job market. What a manly thing for me to have just said.
That’s also what the Smurfs was all about: in a perfect world, everyone has a job and doing that job means a bunch of other jobs get done for you. As a man, I understand that. The only philosophies women draw from the Smurfs are that it’s okay to fuck a hundred guys, and that anyone who cares more about the Smurf berries getting eaten by an ogre than pining to fuck the only girl in town is gay.
Straight guys have to eat too. Eating is like sports and having one last pint. To men, they’re both more important than getting laid.
All men have a purpose. I’m hilarious and everything I say is a supernova of truth. That’s my purpose. Women, however, exist to get fucked. Actually, I take that back. That’s only true until they’re 27. After that it’s a desperate slide into Hocus Pocus and expensive baloney.
Mature Women’s Studies (ages 27 and over)
101: Psychics and Clairvoyance (ages 27-32)
The first step to getting a degree at the Women’s Academy of Mystical Bullshit is to believe in psychics with all of your little heart.
The reason women believe in clairvoyance is because they need to have something to give. A 27 year old vagina isn’t something to give anymore, it’s something that needs care. It needs to be tagged as un-marriable and checked into a convalescent home. Without their vaginas, women cling to a world of clairvoyance and foresight like bits of shit onto a sinking toilet.
“If I believe in psychics, doesn’t that make me a psychic?” says a woman. “Doesn’t that mean I have something to give?”
No. You don’t have to be psychic to spot a cougar from twenty paces.
201: Feng Shui, Tarot, and Horoscopes (ages 33-38)
Feng Shui is the art of a woman turning her fuck-ups into a stockpile of Karma, and her husband’s success into the depths of her understanding of a cheap-shit wheel made in China.
If women read enough books on this kind of crap, they all figure out the same thing: nothing ever was anyone’s fault, men aren’t better than women, and no man has ever succeeded because of hard work and dedication. It was because he was born on a Tuesday.
No, ladies. It was because he was born with a cock.
The Chinese have a saying about Feng Shui. Roughly translated, it goes, “white women should shut their fucking mouths.”
301: Magical Healing (ages 39-45)
There are many types of magical healing, but there has only been one Jesus.
The difference between Jesus and every woman who has ever picked up a book on healing crystals, acupuncture, Reiki, aromatherapy, homeopathy, magnetic healing, aura therapy, faith healing, therapeutic touch, and anything else that starts with a sucker and ends with a bill, is that Jesus was remembered after he died. That can’t be said for any woman who has ever owned a book on how to be a reverse Bogeyman.
That’s women in their 40’s for you: just as dumb as women in their 20’s.
401: Angels (ages 46 and over)
As a man, you can have opinions and lengthy discussions about religion. As a woman, you can shut the fuck up about religion because you don’t know what you’re talking about.
A miracle is when a 747 doesn’t crash into an orphanage. A miracle is when you get shot in the head and it somehow misses your brain. A miracle is not Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood — nor is a miracle any other sob story about some dumb cunt who couldn’t understand a cell phone bill let alone a dogmatic philosophy.
Angels are not the man you couldn’t please long enough to stick around and take care of you. They live in heaven. Why would they give a shit that you locked your keys in your car.
Manclusion
All women lie about their age. To narrow down the number, ask her which of the above topics sounds most appealing. Toss in the Socratic Method as a laugh. If she thinks you meant Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch, order up a round of Rufitini’s on me. She’s just right.
Related Articles:
August 29th, 2007 at 7:06 am - IP Man-Hash: a2b828af8d625
Wow, Dick, you’re right on the money again!
Great podcast. Love your chronological age detector.
I guess they also believe in ouiji boards, seances and mirror mirror on the wall (talking to inatimate objects).
Women are bizzare that way.
-Banzai
August 29th, 2007 at 7:48 am - IP Man-Hash: a13ba81333017
Good as always.
“they need something to fill the gap”. Ha!
I liked the podcast. Thanks. Just one bone to pick.
For half of the population this is no miracle.
-wolfe
August 29th, 2007 at 9:18 am - IP Man-Hash: 45d1d223a1bb8
Wolfe, I would like a little clarification, would it be no miracle because they have no brain, or because you like to see women shot in the head?
Either way, I congratulate you.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:25 am - IP Man-Hash: 27f4a1bafe7a4
[quote]Angels are not the man you couldn’t please long enough to stick around and take care of you. They live in heaven. Why would they give a shit that you locked your keys in your car.[/quote]
I need permission to liberally use this statement in the state of Kentucky. Here, 300 lb women in moo-moos and terrible semi-dyke haircuts are the norm. They’re all “saved”, though non-practicing, and readily thank god/jesus/the angels for any and every good thing that happens in their lives. Whether that means that their latest brand of smokes is on sale, or that they still have half a dozen uneaten Krispy Kreme doughnuts in their fridge is irrelevant.
Oh, and satan/demons are always responsible for anything bad. In above example, it would be “Thanks the angels that these doughnuts are here”, but thirty seconds later it would be “The devil made it hard for me to resist”.
Blah.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:09 pm - IP Man-Hash: 66d38a12d22d6
Respect and/or fear for a higher power is a healthy thing for many. It inspires placement, respect, realization of ones’ own frailty and mortality… whilst subsequently providing comfort and foreknowledge of a ‘reward’ for leading a healthy, good life… and providing peace of mind that “doing the right thing” is actually worth it.
Religion, on the other hand, is nothing but a cancerous fucking crutch that uproots all human life and destroys/rapes/tortures in brutal, horrifying ways that make SAW3 look like Sesame Street. Religion is a tool crafted by the smart, inflicted upon the scared, and praised by the silly.
Respect the power. Question the rules. Oppose the stupid.
August 29th, 2007 at 12:24 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef2bdacae4e57
Well, Wolfe claims to be a man and yet he believes that the Universe was created by by a God - why not by many gods he didnt explain -, who was there in the beggining and possesed something akin to an intelligence, which we all know only came much latter than the beggining of the Universe, by the process of evolution, and that the origin of this god does not need any explanation whatsoever, because, you see, he created logic itself, so causality is too paltry to explain his mighty nature. The argument that the laws of reality do not apply to this god is what allowed the birth of an intellectual abortion known as theology, which requires no evidence or even logic to substantiate its existence as a viable intellectual discipline, and originated a bunch of self-entitled intellectuals who wax poetically about the nature of such god.
I guess that self-entitled males, like this Wolfe, who are possesed of a more feminine brain, are more susceptible to accepting the argument that you must give up logic to explain things that our logic is still simply not sophisticated enough to explain. I personally prefer the theory that the Universe originated as the result of assymetries or fluctuations in the quantum vacuum, which gave birth to singularities that created the laws of physics as we know it as the result of these assymetries entropically containing themselves in closed system and thus having laws that explain the functioning of these sytems only within themselves - which also predicts that there are infinite universes with infinite laws for their own physics out there. But twhat do I know? Im just a 20 year-old university student, unlike the 40 year-old Wolfe whos more mature(according to himself), and has the wisdom of age on his side. That, or, as we age, our brains become more feminine. I think the latter hypothesis is more likely. No, wait, I have yet another one thats even better: he is just plain stupid. Yeah, I guess thats the one.
P Coderch
August 29th, 2007 at 1:29 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
How telling that PC capitalizes Wolfe, but not god. Perhaps we have a closeted admirer in our midst.
Your physics theory, based on “ass”ymetries is quite fascinating.
August 29th, 2007 at 1:59 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
Cod, was that you in the stall next to that nasty, bad, naughty boy, Craig?
You can come out now. He’s retaining counsel.
- Alex Gold - stranded in paradise club mix-mns
August 29th, 2007 at 2:14 pm - IP Man-Hash: 0da82aefb99ab
@sonyad: As if my poor hometown hadn’t enough travails this summer. Bridges falling, floods of biblical proportion, and now closeted senators cruising the airport men’s room. Spot on, though. I laughed in spite of myself.
August 29th, 2007 at 2:27 pm - IP Man-Hash: 43a15a7732fec
Your identity seems to keep changing, P Coderch. Didn’t you just a few days ago claim you made more money than Wolfe? Since professors make about 60 K a year(correct me if I’m wrong), I highly doubt that as a 20 year old college student, you could make more money than that. Also, when you first started commenting on this site a long time ago, I seem to remember you describing yourself as significantly older than 20, living with your brother (or something along those lines), unable to move out because your job didn’t pay highly enough.
August 29th, 2007 at 2:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: 74c91c935e441
Coderch, you are so right, because Michael Faraday, a devout Christian, discovered electromagnetism, but he must have attributed it to magic. Linneus came up with a completely irrational method of taxonomy. Einstein, a Theist (a believer in a generic god), gave us his totally mindless and feminine theory about relativity, without which your beloved scientists wouldn’t be able to come up with infinite universes. There was that girl, Isaac Newton, who wrote more about the Bible and God than he did about gravity and math.
Some of the men who took us to space, and ultimately to the moon? Ever heard of Hermann Oberth? He was a believer. His mathematical formulae regarding trajectory (calculated in the early 1900s) are still used to launch rockets today. A bunch of folks at NASA were believers during the 50s and 60s…I know a brilliant engineer (and preacher) who worked with Dr. Werhner von Braun in the ’60s. But there’s no logic in mathematics or engineering. Going to space isn’t manly at all.
Which comes to another point…the foundation of modern mathematics itself is the product of Arab Muslims and Hindu Indians…not to mention the vast contributions from Pythagorus (a Greek Mystic), Blaise Pascal (Catholic) and others. But they were all unmanly and feminine, too, because they were religious.
This isn’t to say there haven’t been contributions made by the irreligious, atheist, or agnostic…but believers are no slouches either when it comes to logic, science, math, engineering, or other manly ventures. Wikipedia has a copious list of scientists who bought into this religious crap, and there are extensive books out there. You would do well to read them so you might learn a balanced opinion. People who are religious or have beliefs are not automatically stupid or unmanly, just as people who are irreligious or unbelieving are not automatically shining lights of intellectual prowess or manliness. I mean, there ARE female atheists out there.
Believe what you will, I don’t care, but don’t automatically disparage those who don’t believe (or disbelieve) as you do. In fact, your argument against religion and the religious reminded me less of an astute intellectual, and more of a bloviating idiot like Jerry Falwell. Yes, I just compared you to him.
August 29th, 2007 at 2:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: 74c91c935e441
Oh, but to be fair… As someone with a curious mind, I do find your asymmetry theory intriguing. You should uncrate that a bit more.
August 29th, 2007 at 3:22 pm - IP Man-Hash: a41caf4a68abe
Get the fuck out of there, Trek.
Kentucky is the biggest arguement for eugenics in the history of man, and I’m going to Alaska just to escape the fucking shithole.
August 29th, 2007 at 3:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
That was someone else, I believe. That particular poster stopped contributing some time ago.
Memory might be failing me though and I could be wrong.
August 29th, 2007 at 5:23 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
I believe you take the man too lightly. You do know he’s gonna come from behind and…
well, he’ll come from behind.
August 29th, 2007 at 5:33 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef2bdacae4e57
On second though, you are right that both Wolfe and his imaginary friend(god) dont deserve capitalization. As for whatever spelling mistake I make, at least I have the excuse that English is not my first language. Whats yours?
P Coderch
August 29th, 2007 at 5:35 pm - IP Man-Hash: ef2bdacae4e57
No, I said that I am on my way of making more money than him, since I plan on getting an MBA from a prestigious university, while hes a lowly professor. And I never said anything about living with a brother.
P Coderch