Women Drink Wine Stupidly
The number of myths I’m about to bust is so great I don’t even know how to classify this article.
Except I do know how to classify this article. Men are better than women.
You know all the pretentious shit women pretend to pull off in their twenties and then continue to cling to like a fucking life preserver when they hit their thirties and no man will knock them up because they’re so fucking lame and also won’t ever shut their mouth? Men are better than women at that shit.
A recent piece of CBS investigative journalism discovered some shocking news: the decision making processes of women are like three legged dogs. No matter what kind of handicap you give them, no matter how sorry everyone feels for them, they’re still fucked. It’s in our man empathy to pity the handicapped — even the mentally handicapped. Women.
Men are better than women at picking out wine.
I wouldn’t know exactly how bad women are at selecting wine because I’ve never ever let a woman do it. And I have certainly never drunk said wine if a woman decision somehow eluded my mighty man providence. I’m not a time traveler. I can’t be in two hours ago preventing a woman from fucking up my delicious steak dinner with some goddamn Riesling. What is so fucking fantastic about Riesling to women? Is it because it tastes like you’re getting punched by a sugar goblin? Was there some teenage heartthrob by the name of Riesling when women were women-agers? I suppose neither would explain anything anyway because there’s never a reason for why women do anything. They just always do it wrong.
Woman drink shitty wine. I personally took a survey of all the women I could find before writing this article and I found that 100% of them could not name a delicious wine within an ample time period of ten seconds. According to their failures, picking things is man business. If women have to pick anything they fuck it up; wine included. We men have so much class coming out of our ass that it’s physically impossible for us to pick out a foul or mismatched wine.
But that’s not all.
According to the investigative journalism of CBS, men have more than class. We also have the sense to ask for help. Directions, sexual inefficiencies, wine; they’re all the same to men and women can shut the fuck up about it. That’s why men are so smart. We’re always asking for help on things and then we’re always memorizing the help so we don’t have to sound like repeating jackasses and ask the same question twice.
How do women select wine? For once the answer isn’t ‘ask their no-nothing mother what she would do’. It’s even worse.
Women look for cute labels like Yellow Tail’s stupid Kangaroo and kitschy, cutsey, make me vomitey names like Little White Lie or Bitch On The Rag, each with a shittier body and less appetizing flavour.
This whole clusterfuck reminds me of a story. A friend of mine used to tell women he had a tattoo on an inappropriate place. Women are simple minded so this is a perfect pick up line. They can remember all the players. You, her, penis. Also, they get to experience the anticipation of solving the riddle of what this tattoo is and where exactly it is!
My friend does not have a frog tattooed on his cock, but in the end, does it really matter? It just proves my point.
Edit by Dick:
Thanks to Jorge for the following CBS video presentation.
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December 13th, 2006 at 12:39 pm - IP Man-Hash: 16a7f8be15ae1
“Was there some teenage heartthrob by the name of Riesling when women were women-agers?”
Hahaha.. indeed women never surpass teenagedom and men are at their most moody and feminine only in teenagedom.
December 13th, 2006 at 12:58 pm - IP Man-Hash: 09f049bfccbdf
lol
nice video.
December 13th, 2006 at 1:54 pm - IP Man-Hash: eb931023b77c5
Well. Here’s how I choose wine. If it has a gold medallion sticker on it, indicating it has one a first prize in a wine contest, then YES. I BUY THAT ONE.
or if I have a lot of bills that week, I’ll just get a clearskin.
December 13th, 2006 at 2:40 pm - IP Man-Hash: 980cc8a8ac1a7
I’d some 20+12 old Chivas Regal and James Buchanan Black and White Premium. My father brought them from England in the old days. Many a times both he and I were on the verge of spending them. But there was always that feeling that something will come along and up the ante, either in joy or sorrow. Better to save we always thought. Then he gone.
My mother was going to give them away this month, as tokens, to her shrink and a neighbour of hers. My mother usually speaks elogiously of him and respects his memory. I usually get along with her. Except, that is, until every so often the slightest trial or tribulation presents itself.
Such as when I hid the Chivas with a trusted friend and drunk the Premium 12 with my mates. I reason they’ll best be spent on me and whom I choose to share them with. Rather than some stranger or who would give these away to strangers. I had already come close to opening the Premium 12 back in the time of the Iran nuke strike scare. My mom reasoned I’m an odious queer, just like my dad. I had made clear my dissent and assured her that, whatever she might be under the erroneous impression she’s going to do with them, she will not give them away sound so she might as well either leave them where they are or shatter the bottles herself.
A few days later she tells me to respect and honour his memory because he was a good husband and a wonderful dad. Like she had said nothing to tarnish his memory, but rather I had.
I plan on drinking the Chivas as well by myself or with close friends, at most.
December 13th, 2006 at 3:44 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5fdb78f644952
“I look for nice labels.”
Indeed.
@Female well, not all contests are equal.
@Sony sounds like a plan.
-wolfe
December 13th, 2006 at 6:31 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
True wolfe. And most of those labels are prolly just made up by marketing depts in most cases. Generally I believe any wine in the $18 - $22 range is alright. Anything $25 and up is great.
December 14th, 2006 at 2:11 pm - IP Man-Hash: 09f049bfccbdf
Well that’s good for any wine maker. Put a nice label with monkeys or kangaroos for you and price it around $25. Women make businessmen very nice living.
December 14th, 2006 at 3:49 pm - IP Man-Hash: 5475964f1d333
What I meant Billy is that most of the contests are manufactured, so the medallion stickers are probably not the best ways to judge a good wine. And my rule is, is that if a label looks childish or is overly colourful (that means more than three colours on it), then I do not touch that one.
Price is the best indicator because it reflects the market’s palate. No one is going to buy a bottle of $25 wine more than once if it takes like crap.