They Can Never Take Our Pimpdom

You know what I think is hilarious: that the only successful woman pimp ever — Heidi Fleiss — was so inept that she went to prison and nearly sullied the reputation of one of the greatest thespians of the 20th century. One Charlie “The Green Machine” Sheen.

By the way, when I say “successful”, I mean successful in the way that a woman can be successful, by sleeping her way to the top and dodging the karma tornado of ineptitude for as long as possible.

Ultimately, success for a woman is having the new high score for Most Years Without Fucking Up. I think the record is like two. Princess Di probably holds it too. I don’t really know. I don’t give a shit.

Women do not make good pimps. In fact, they don’t make pimps at all.

Pimping requires business sense, charisma, and compassion; which are all fucking stuff that no woman has. Usually not being qualified doesn’t stop them from doing anything though. Single mothers raise children every day. However, there’s no affirmative action for pimping.

Let’s look at the facts.

Pimps cannot take maternity leave.
Pimps cannot afford to dress way inappropriately for work.
Pimps cannot start crying while business is going on around them.

At the end of the day, pimping is the oldest profession in the world. It’s been around ever since the first woman saw the first man building a shelter, making dinner, and inventing vegetables and thought to herself, “I can’t do any of that shit. Guess I better learn how to fuck.”

And she never did.

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