Did you know Valentine’s Day started in the first century, when warring factions of the Roman Empire sent barrels of pig hearts to one another as a token of their disgust?

It’s a relief to know little of Valentine’s Day has changed over the manturies.

Women are so fucking selfish that they would rather some kid die in a ditch somewhere in Africa than give up just one of their precious Valentine’s Day presents and extravagant meals. Men are better than women at Valentine’s Day. Women ruined it with their selfishness.

Kids have a holiday a lot like Valentine’s Day. It’s called Christmas, and kids are allowed to act like little bastards during Christmas because they’re kids. Women have no excuse. They can vote.

I did some quick calculations to find out just how selfish women indeed are. What I found was shocking. Researchers estimate women will suck up approximately 13.7 billion dollars in Valentine’s Day bullshit this year. That’s 13.7 billion dollars in flowers, jewelry, and lingerie women will wear once because for some stupid reason women think lingerie is like soap. The more you use it, the faster it wears out; and then I guess she can’t dress up like a naughty nurse when she’s 70. It’s too bad women don’t think their asses work in that way. You use it, you lose it.

Now chew on this.

According to some commercials I’ve seen, it costs only pennies a day to improve the lives of impoverished African children. Pennies a day is a maximum of four pennies. If it cost five pennies a day to save starving children, then they would just say a nickel because that’s shorter to say and the saved commercial air time could be turned into food.

13.7 billion dollars divided by four pennies is 342 trillion starving African children. I don’t need to check a globe to know there are less than that many starving African children in Africa. There aren’t even that many starving African children in the whole world.

You see my point. That princess you’re buying a puppy for next week is taking a puppy’s worth of meals out of the mouths of kids halfway across the world. And she loves every second of it.

Here’s another statistic I found proving men are better than women.

The average amount a man will spend this year is $135.67
The average amount a woman will spend is $68.64

Isn’t that called a pay gap?

Women don’t even know how expensive flowers are. A dozen roses is like eighty dollars. Does it make her a whore because it’s over forty bucks? Don’t be absurd. It makes her a whore for accepting them in the first place.

If women were really so packed full of compassion and nurturing, then the most wasteful holiday of the year wouldn’t be dedicated to them. If women were stuffed with any caring at all, Valentine’s Day would be about volunteering at the local homeless shelter. It would be about buying a star and naming it after her, except instead of a star it would be a short bus full of starving African kids.

Valentine’s Day is the biggest waste in history. But who cares? Women sure don’t. They’re selfish as fuck.

Maybe all those starving kids should just eat some cake.

V Day losses

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