I Want To Be A Crack Whore When I Grow Up!

We all know that men are better than women at everything; I’ve discussed and proved many reasons why on this site. Men are stronger. Men are smarter. Men are able to put their thoughts into words in order to communicate whereas women can’t mentally hold onto anything that isn’t sparkly or fluffy.

It’s true. Men are the super adhesive man-glue that holds society together by the seat of its ass, and women are that crappy sticky strip that holds Post It notes on your computer screen. They won’t stick to anything and goddamn if you’ll ever get that strip of gummy residue off your monitor, but at least you remembered Carole’s bullshit birthday party is in the lunchroom in 5 minutes. Fantastic.

In the past, I may have been a little hard on women. Sure, it’s easy to say that they’ll never achieve on par with a man or have as much of an impact on history because of science and genetics. That’s obvious. Women have tiny woman brains that are soaked in “crazy juice” (estrogen or some such thing — some kind of feminine hormone) like a big fat sponge at a big fat car wash. But that’s not a robust explanation. Not robust at all.

Only half of women’s ineptituderies can be blamed on their second rate biology. Let’s hypothesize now that the other half of the gold brick is a woman’s attitude. Her shitty, piss-poor attitude. Her attitude of backstabbing, undercutting, and most importantly bar lowering. And here I’m talking about role models.

Remember back when you were 25 and you thought of how much better you could make the world if you were Batman? Or maybe even further back. How about Steve McQueen or James Bond or O.J. Simpson…Indiana Jones? My point is that the heroes and role models of men are the spring boards to their success. They are the whip master of the conscience and a lifelong commitment. Men and young men have always looked to the heroes of history and cinema and thought to themselves, “Boy I sure want to emulate that guy and thereby increase the global quality of life.” And you know what? It works. It works.

That’s where women come in. Right when everything’s looking great. First of all, try to even come up with a female role model. Give it some real thought.

Sigourney Weaver from Alien? Yea, that’s about all I could come up with too. And, as we all know, that part was written for a man. Imagine how great that movie would have been as a Writer’s Cut. Let me give some alarming answers that I received from women of all ages when I asked them to participate in the very same thought experiment.

1. Paris Hilton
2. Tara reid
3. Princess Di
4. Their mother

Promiscuous sex and drunken debauchery does not a role model make — unless you’re a woman apparently. I swear, women set the bar so low that they’d have to dig a grave themselves just to fail. Who’s the grave for you ask? Chivalry — or grace, I don’t know. Throw the whole shit in there it’s all big cluster fuck anyway.