World News

Trouble on the horizon, or girls gone wild?

Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

Posted in World News on August 4th, 2010

As a man, I am against gay marriage. Before all of you jackasses light your pink torches and start braiding your AIDS awareness ribbons into my noose, allow me to explain–even though I don’t really give a fuck because everyone on the internet is a tough guy and, truth be told, in real life I could fight all of you all at the same time with my hands tied behind my back and my pants on backwards. So fuck you.

Gay marriage is wrong.

My mother has a gay hairdresser. During one of my yearly conversations with her, the topic of gay marriage came up. Before any of you smart asses ask, I didn’t bring it up and she didn’t bring it up because she thinks I’m gay. Also, she doesn’t think I’m gay. This is what she said of the Prop-Hate sensation.

‘Carlo wants me to keep all my fingers crossed that this gay marriage thing doesn’t go through.’
‘Why is that?’ I said.
‘That’s what I asked him. He says he can tell that his boyfriend really wants to get married, and that getting married would completely ruin their gay sex life.’

Son of a bitch, I thought. They’ve done it again. Women ruined gayness. Women and their crazy obsession with marriage ruined the commitment-free sanctuary of gayness for all gay men.

When America decided that slavery was unjust, we didn’t make all white people slaves too, we ended slavery. Find one way in which marriage is different. [Read more]

Woman Astronaut Kills Everyone

Posted in World News on November 19th, 2008

NASA finally put a woman in charge of a spacewalk and guess what happened. Fuck ups happened. That’s what always happens when you combine women and space. Remember the Challenger explosion? That probably happened because there was a woman aboard.

Earlier today, while doing routine maintenance on a solar panel, dozy astro-broad Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper let a crucial bag of tools float off into space. I highly recommend you watch the video (at the bottom of this article) because reading about a woman screwing up is never as satisfying as watching it happen.

The dead silence you hear as Heidemarie stupidly watches her tools float away is a thousand men at Mission Control simultaneously not saying the same thing.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” [Read more]

McCain and the VPILF

Posted in Honorary Man of the Month, World News on September 1st, 2008

I’m going to tell you guys the first thing I thought when I was text messaged a picture of McCain’s new VP by a dozen fucking people at 8 in the morning.

sarah palin vpilf

I’d fuck her.

Meet the world’s first VPILF, fellows and gentlemen. A Vice President I’d like to fuck. And she will be Vice President because apparently McCain is the smartest fucking politician in history. Who knew!

I’m jumping on the VPILF train today by naming Miss Sarah Palin my Honorary Man of the Year. [Read more]

Olympic Fuckery

Posted in World News on August 18th, 2008

As a rule, the Olympic Games are chalk full of fuckery. Now, stage that fuckery in capitalism’s lower intestine: China, and you’re guaranteed an epic level — nay, an evolution of clusterfuck.

The fuckery at these Olympic Games has come in new and exciting forms. And since most of these “controversies” could easily be solved with hard work, dignity, or just plain old remembering that all of this is a fucking game, you can guess their epicenter. That’s right. It’s women.

Women are fucking around in China. [Read more]

Fat Women: Stay Home!

Posted in World News on August 7th, 2008

Every weekend, millions of dumpy, 20-something sluts decide not to go to a nightclub because they’re an eyesore to men and an embarrassment to their species. Thank you ladies for doing that. You cows may be good for nothing, but at least you have the decency to be fat-fuck slobs in the privacy of your own homes.

Unfortunately, thousands of these behemoths opt to cover themselves in a sequin tarp and head out anyway. Thankfully for us, they get turned away at the door. Anyplace that sets their drink prices at 15 dollars a pop should provide an atmosphere free of muffin tops, front cracks, and desperate whales. Trust me, you haven’t seen real desperation until you’ve been hit on by a drunk fat girl. A more pathetic spectacle of self-loathing, denial, and tears, I have not seen matched.

All this happens every weekend and up until today, no one has ever given a fuck. This weekend, however, some size 16 womanatee by the name of Georgina Mason decided to call the police about it.

Someone should have called the police on her fat ass — for fifty counts of negligent bonercide. [Read more]

Whore Sells House

Posted in World News on June 27th, 2008

A single mother in Florida by the name of Deven Traboscia is selling her house and herself on eBay for the low, low price of $840,000.

Did I say low price? I meant outrageous price!

In her own words, prospective buyers are paying $340,000 for her two-thousand square foot home, and $500,000 for her unknown square foot vagina — which she’s already used to pop out two kids. Doesn’t sound like a great deal to me.

I’m no state-licensed vagina appraiser, but at 42 years old, and after having served two active tours of duty as a human cloner, that pussy is going for about a million dollars a square foot. The warranty on that thing has expired. The elastic band on thrift store underpants are tighter than that turkey gobbler. The girl’s junk would make a better shammy than a sex toy.

$500,000? In the immortal words of Gerrit Graham, “That’s too fuckin high!” [Read more]

Watch Out Pedestrians! It’s Danica Patrick!

Posted in World News on May 16th, 2008

“Hi. Um, you know, it’s really, really unfortunate what happened today. Thoughts and prayers are with him, with his family and hopefully he can get back on the track soon and be able to do what he loves. Thank you.” – Danica Patrick

What the man in question “loves” is not getting hit by race cars — specially race cars driven by professional cocktease and race car driver Danica Patrick.

Last week, Danica Patrick proved once and for all that women do belong in professional car racing. They belong in the winner’s circle in a bikini, blasting cheap champagne all over celebrating men with awesome mustaches.

Women do not belong in the drivers seat. Women never belong in the driver’s seat. [Read more]

A Case Study in Horizontal Success

Posted in Honorary Man of the Month, World News on March 13th, 2008

There’s only one way for a woman to get ahead in this world, and that’s by fucking.

The sooner a woman realizes that, the sooner she can begin the lifelong process of self-loathing and delusion that is known as womanhood. But at least she can do it in Versace as an international pop idol or famous lady-author.

When a woman opens her legs, she opens the door to a future of success.

Let’s see an example of this and talk about my new favorite hooker: Eliot Spitzer’s very own Ashley Alexandra Dupre. Who is also my very own Honorary Man of the Month! [Read more]