Olympic Fuckery

As a rule, the Olympic Games are chalk full of fuckery. Now, stage that fuckery in capitalism’s lower intestine: China, and you’re guaranteed an epic level — nay, an evolution of clusterfuck.

The fuckery at these Olympic Games has come in new and exciting forms. And since most of these “controversies” could easily be solved with hard work, dignity, or just plain old remembering that all of this is a fucking game, you can guess their epicenter. That’s right. It’s women.

Women are fucking around in China.

Chinese Gymnasts Under 14

I heard a lot of bullshit this week about how the Chinese are cheating at gymnastics. Apparently, you have to be at least 16 to compete in women’s gymnastics — and by my inspection, your neck also has to be the girth of your head. The Chinese failed to meet either criteria.

One of the problems with encouraging girls in athletics is that it encourages Gumby-neck syndrome.

If hitting puberty is a hindrance to your performance in a sport, then said sport does not belong at the Olympics. Can you imagine the Patriots contesting a touchdown because it was scored by a 12 year old? Can you imagine Warren Buffet calling a corporate merger do-over because the other company’s CEO was still in diapers? Fuck no! Because those are real games played by men. Having undescended balls is a problem, not a solution.

Women’s gymnastics is exactly the opposite. Puberty is a problem. Let’s look at some other non-sports where puberty is a problem.

Video games – should not be an Olympic event.
Fitting into cupboards – should not be an Olympic event.
Statutory Rape – should not be an Olympic event.

Instead of wasting time growing pubes and talking about boys, maybe you US female “champions” should have been practicing to beat up a bunch of little girls half your fucking age. In Communist China, baby steals your candy!

Ugly Girl Sings, Pretty Girl Gets Attention

A Chinese girl by the name of Pug Face Rake Mouth sang the Chinese anthem at the Olympic opening ceremony. However, we didn’t see her. What television audiences saw was a cute Chinese girl attempting an Olympic sized failure in lip syncing.

I know what you’re thinking. But Dick, who the fuck cares? TV cares. And that’s good enough for me.

TV cares because women care. And like it or not, women buy anything TV tells them to buy. “Chemicals that will keep my face clean while I shovel grease down my gullet? Yes please! ShamWOW? How much can I pay to be neurotic more efficiently? Magical headache wands that you rub on your fucking head like a glue stick? Sure, I’ll take a dozen.”

Worship controls the box.

But rest assured this public outcry against China’s censorship isn’t about injustice. Women don’t know shit about justice. Lady Justice has a cock. The real reason women are pissed off that the ugly little rake-mouth got thrown behind a curtain under a bus, while her cute countrywoman was given the spotlight, is because one girl has a gift and the other has something you can work for.

Women hate work.

Singing is a gift. You will never sing like Vince Neil; Vince Neil will never sing like Pavarotti — even a dead Pavarotti; and Pavarotti will never sing like some fat schmuck who works in the post office in Hampstead, UK. Life is a circle. Hakuna Matata.

Looking cute, however, is not a gift. It must be worked for.

Women hate hard work. They hate staying in shape, they hate learning how to smile properly, they hate trying to look good, and they hate anyone promoting work as a path to success. So what if some little girl can sing? This other little girl worked hard to look cute. And if she didn’t, she encourages other girls to do so anyway. Hakuna Matata. All the pumpkin-faced singer did was show up. That’s nothing to put on television.

China is world-renown for their censorship, but what we’ve learned from this debacle is that not all censorship is bad. And if any women think this is cruel, I challenge their hypocritical asses to go a week without eye-liner.

Women’s Softball is Shit-Canned

I tuned in to a game of America v. Venezuela softball because I heard the sport was full of “lesbians”. Boy was I duped! It’s full of “lesbians” all right, but these “lesbians” could also have day-time jobs doing stunt work for Baby Huey.

I saw lesbians, but what I didn’t see were any fans in the stadium, any Venezuelans who didn’t know who Miley Cyrus was dating, or any reason softball should be an Olympic event.

As of 2008, softball is no longer an Olympic event.

“These girls are pursuing a dream. It’s a shame to see some committee yank that dream away from them.” -some horsefaced announcer

I have a dream of nailing both Barbie Twins. I’ve had this dream for like twenty years. Should that be an Olympic event?

My point is, every girl on the world stage of softball was American. The Americans were American, the fans were American, and the Venezuelans were American. Say what you want about America, but Nike and the cash cow of “female empowerment” forcing a world committee to fund a fetish for women with scraped knees is not doing anything to dispel our reputation of self-promotion, self-aggrandizement and self-cluelessness.

But that’s what’s great about America. We don’t care what other people think.

Olympic women’s softball is nothing more than watching America’s “best” play America’s junior college “brightest” — who also happened to have a grandfather from Venezuela.


We’ve had a lot of fun here today, but one thing is important to remember. The Olympics are about humanity’s best athletes training for years to excel at games determined by an arbitrary set of rules — which are then marketed to hell because there’s no good TV on during the summer. Truly there is no greater pursuit and there never has been.

And for you ladies, the Olympics is just like life, if it weren’t for Camel Toe, no one would pretend to care.

Ugly Girl Signs Blues
US Gymnasts Sings Blues
Softball Sings Blues