Tips for Gay Men on How to Avoid Gay Marriage

Posted in World News on August 4th, 2010

As a man, I am against gay marriage. Before all of you jackasses light your pink torches and start braiding your AIDS awareness ribbons into my noose, allow me to explain–even though I don’t really give a fuck because everyone on the internet is a tough guy and, truth be told, in real life I could fight all of you all at the same time with my hands tied behind my back and my pants on backwards. So fuck you.

Gay marriage is wrong.

My mother has a gay hairdresser. During one of my yearly conversations with her, the topic of gay marriage came up. Before any of you smart asses ask, I didn’t bring it up and she didn’t bring it up because she thinks I’m gay. Also, she doesn’t think I’m gay. This is what she said of the Prop-Hate sensation.

‘Carlo wants me to keep all my fingers crossed that this gay marriage thing doesn’t go through.’
‘Why is that?’ I said.
‘That’s what I asked him. He says he can tell that his boyfriend really wants to get married, and that getting married would completely ruin their gay sex life.’

Son of a bitch, I thought. They’ve done it again. Women ruined gayness. Women and their crazy obsession with marriage ruined the commitment-free sanctuary of gayness for all gay men.

When America decided that slavery was unjust, we didn’t make all white people slaves too, we ended slavery. Find one way in which marriage is different. [Read more]

10 Ways Women Ruin the Gym

Posted in Doings and Dealings on February 21st, 2010

The first thing I think when I meet a new woman is, ‘I wonder how often this broad goes to the gym.’ The answer I arrive at each time is, ‘Not enough.’

Women mostly look like wet rag dolls of flab and boobs all wrapped in a fabric casing that cost ten times more than it should. How the fuck is a flannel shirt $89 at American Apparel? Since when did lumberjacks and lesbians spend more than a steak dinner on their work clothes? I don’t know, but it’s happening.

The point is, women wouldn’t know physical definition if it was staring them in the face — even if it had only 3% body fat like Nicolas Cage in Con Air. That’s because men are better than women at going to the gym. [Read more]

Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge

Posted in Contests on January 5th, 2009

I was getting so many text messages from hot babes on New Year’s Eve that my phone overloaded and permanently shut down. At least that’s what the technician at the Verizon store told me and I have no reason to doubt him. Not only does that mean I am 100% right when I say women love being told their place in life — especially hot women — but it also means that it’s a new year, and thus time for a Dick Masterson Annual Man Challenge.

Congratulations to all of you who passed my Dick Masterson’s 2008 Man Challenge. It was a tough one and by my estimation only two of you actually passed, but you all had fun trying.

Now buckle up your boners, gentlemen, because even you two returning gladiators are going to need an extra set of nuts to beat this year’s Dick Masterson’s 2009 Man Challenge. [Read more]

Woman Astronaut Kills Everyone

Posted in World News on November 19th, 2008

NASA finally put a woman in charge of a spacewalk and guess what happened. Fuck ups happened. That’s what always happens when you combine women and space. Remember the Challenger explosion? That probably happened because there was a woman aboard.

Earlier today, while doing routine maintenance on a solar panel, dozy astro-broad Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper let a crucial bag of tools float off into space. I highly recommend you watch the video (at the bottom of this article) because reading about a woman screwing up is never as satisfying as watching it happen.

The dead silence you hear as Heidemarie stupidly watches her tools float away is a thousand men at Mission Control simultaneously not saying the same thing.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” [Read more]

Chauvinists Make More Money

Posted in Science Says... on October 15th, 2008

This article also marks my appearance in the SuperFrat/Dick Masterson cross-over comic, as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective. Check it out for more reasons why thinking that women are shit at everything is a good idea.

While on Dr. Phil, I offhandedly referred to my work as the Art of Chauvinism. Little did I know how brilliant that was.

The Art of Chauvinism is the application of one simple universal principle: Men Are Better Than Women. It’s true from the day we’re born to the day we die. It’s true in every single facet and function of life. It’s true for the smallest of insects to the largest of professional wrestlers. Peacocks are better than peahens, men are better than women at loading a dishwasher, and Mars is better than Venus. If you spend enough time on Venus, your fucking face will melt off.

Chauvinism solves all of life’s mysteries and it will get you laid. But here’s something I bet you didn’t know. Chauvinism is also guaranteed to make you more money! [Read more]

There is Such a Thing as Bad Head

Posted in Doings and Dealings on October 9th, 2008

Welcome fellows and gentlemen to the Dick Masterson/Super Frat crossover comic event!

Stay tuned all month to find out how I save the day as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective — and maybe teach the boys at Lambda Sigma Rho something about the Art of Chauvinism.

While reading this amazing comic, I thought of something profound.

Men are better than women at comics. [Read more]

Women Caused the Subprime Meltdown

Posted in Doings and Dealings on October 8th, 2008

This letter was sent to me from America’s Heartland.

Dear Dick,

I live in Nebraska where anyone with a decent job can afford to buy a house. Recently, I’m seeing a trend in the amount of women who feel that they can AND SHOULD buy their own house. “How the fuck do these women expect to mow the lawn?” I asked a friend of mine who is buying a house. She replied, “You.” After I finished laughing, she asked if she could borrow my lawnmower to do it. “How are you going to get the mower from my house to yours?” I said. She replied, “Your truck.”

Property ownership for women should be discouraged, starting at the real estate agent.

CE in Nebraska.

Well said, CE in Nebraska. Women should not own property.

A woman owning property is like giving a monkey a dog on a leash. It doesn’t mean the monkey has a pet. It means some idiot tied a dog to a monkey.

Women owning property doesn’t mean that they themselves aren’t property.

But what’s the worst that could happen? So a few women buy a few houses and fuck them up, it’s not like that will fuck up the entire global economy, right?

Wrong. Women caused the subprime mortgage meltdown. [Read more]

Helping a Fattie

Posted in Manspirations on October 3rd, 2008

Sometimes, I feel like the doors of a Hometown Buffet ten minutes before it opens. Every day, dozens of fat broads line up to bust me down.

Settle down you fucking cows, they serve that shitty lasagna all day.

Today, I’m going to be talking about one of these fatsos. One who has captured my attention like a humpback whale off the coast of Big Sur. Fellows and gentlemen, meet Donna Jackson.

[Picture removed. Explained below.]

Today, I’m giving Donna Jackson the chance to shut down [Read more]