Myths and Lores

Things to be busted.

Sexual Harassment: Deal With It

Posted in Myths and Lores on August 22nd, 2008

A penny saved is a woman fired.

One of the best reasons not to hire a woman is that eventually, every single one of them will be sexually harassed by a co-worker. And guess who gets to pay for it? You.

Money can make a woman forget anything. Humiliation, morals, the emotional well-being of her own children. That’s why strippers never graduate. When women see dollar signs, their brains turn into shit.

By hiring a man over a woman, you are not only getting a more qualified, more competent, less smelly employee, you’re also lowering your chances of being sued for providing a hostile work environment to zero.

But even if you do get sued for sexual harassment, it’s bullshit.

Sexual harassment doesn’t exist. [Read more]

What About Teachers, Nurses, and Bank Tellers?

Posted in Myths and Lores on June 2nd, 2008

Men are better than women. We all know it and I proved it beyond the shadow of a doubt in my mansterpiece Men Are Better Than Women — on sale now.

Men are better than women at everything and every job in life. But doesn’t that mean every job should be staffed by men? If mine and Jesus’ premise is correct (that men are better than women), shouldn’t capitalism ensure a male only workforce?

I have had the following question thrown at me on the radio by dozens of hysterically horny bitches from here to the Eastern Bloc.

“If men are better than women, why are so many women teachers, nurses, and bank tellers, you gay fag? Women are better than men at those jobs!”

The answer is simple. Teachers, nurses, and bank tellers are predominantly female because those jobs are easy, cheap, and worthless. They’re a perfect fit for women because that’s what women are: easy, cheap, and worthless. [Read more]

Why Women Hate Sex With Me

Posted in Myths and Lores on April 11th, 2008

Women absolutely hate having sex with me. Sometimes, before the “doing it” even starts, they want it to be over. After a roll in the hay with yours truly, a woman feels dirty, degraded, disgusted, damaged, demeaned, and most importantly, sore as fuck.

They hate it. And after a week, she’ll feel even worse.

Yet years later, this same woman won’t be able to turn it down. She’ll cancel plans for it. She’ll lie to her best friends for it. Stand back. Dick Masterson is about to blow your mind with some Man Zen.

Women hate sex and are also simultaneously addicted to it. [Read more]

Men Love Commitment

Posted in Myths and Lores on March 25th, 2008

Since the idea of a dowry went extinct, men have been under fire from women for one thing more than any other: a phobia of commitment. Like stuck walruses, women scream that men have a fear of commitment; a fear that is childish and in constant odds with our biological impulse to screw anything that walks.

That’s bullshit.

Men love commitment. [Read more]

Women Could Be Great…

Posted in Myths and Lores on December 18th, 2007

Through some creative editing liberties, the Dr. Phil show gave America this gem from yours truly, Dick Masterson.

“Women could be great.” -Dick Masterson

Just like everything I’ve ever said or ever will say, I stand by that. Women could be great. Women could be successful, intelligent, happy, and even wise. They just have to follow these two steps:

1. Shut the fuck up.
2. Listen to a man.

And then repeat those steps as often and as quickly as possible. Otherwise, what you have on your hands is an unhappy bitch who needs a leash. [Read more]

Pregnancy Does Not Imply Equality

Posted in Myths and Lores on November 7th, 2007

A screwdriver has a purpose. Without this tool, men wouldn’t be able to screw anything for less than the cost of a video game — and women wouldn’t be able to dent my car by dropping one on the hood while trying to put the Christmas decorations away on a shelf two feet above their fucking head.

If it’s out of reach, get a man. If it’s got buttons, get a man. If it affects the fate of anything more than an unboiled egg or the color of drapes, get a man.

Texas Instruments once had a social conscience. They devised a pink Speak N Spell that flashed only the following:

In case of thought, get a man!

Sadly, it was recalled. Oh the lives it may have saved. [Read more]

Female Oppression: More Monkey Shit

Posted in Myths and Lores on October 3rd, 2007

At any moment, a woman can say something completely stupid about something completely obvious. Women have an infinity of wrong inside them. Much in the same way that a child has an infinity of imagination inside it, or a tube of super glue contains an infinity of practical jokes.

Women contain an Infinity of Wrong.

For example, when told that no one gives a fuck about three fat secretaries bickering over an unloaded printer, a woman might call you rude or a jerk. This is completely stupid and wrong of her — and it is very likely fat of her as well. No one gives a fuck about three fat secretaries. Pretending anyone does is childish and insulting to good stories.

Here’s another example: women are worthless in science. [Read more]

Just Because You Suck At Math, Doesn’t Mean You’re Good At Not-Math

Posted in Myths and Lores on September 23rd, 2007

Men are better than women at everything. Just look outside. See all that shit? That “shit” is men kicking the ass of women up and down the court of science. Women aren’t to blame for a single brick.

Unless when you look outside you see a bunch of fat hookers or some broad who just crashed her car into a fence post while talking on her cell phone. You can blame women for both of those. [Read more]