Science Says…

It’s no surprise to men that science has a lot to say about men being better than women.

Chauvinists Make More Money

Posted in Science Says... on October 15th, 2008

This article also marks my appearance in the SuperFrat/Dick Masterson cross-over comic, as the world’s first Chauvinist Detective. Check it out for more reasons why thinking that women are shit at everything is a good idea.

While on Dr. Phil, I offhandedly referred to my work as the Art of Chauvinism. Little did I know how brilliant that was.

The Art of Chauvinism is the application of one simple universal principle: Men Are Better Than Women. It’s true from the day we’re born to the day we die. It’s true in every single facet and function of life. It’s true for the smallest of insects to the largest of professional wrestlers. Peacocks are better than peahens, men are better than women at loading a dishwasher, and Mars is better than Venus. If you spend enough time on Venus, your fucking face will melt off.

Chauvinism solves all of life’s mysteries and it will get you laid. But here’s something I bet you didn’t know. Chauvinism is also guaranteed to make you more money! [Read more]

Women Take Candy From Strangers

Posted in Science Says... on June 18th, 2008

The number one way to get whatever you want out of a woman is to withhold attention.

Top Three Ways to Get What You Want From a Woman

3. Be Rich or Famous
2. Insult Her
1. Withhold Attention

Is she lipping off at the mouth? Withhold attention.
Is she a great big fat person? Withhold some attention.
Is she not putting out? Withhold that fucking attention!

Today, I have proof of the above other than just the barometer of my thermometer.

To those of you who are unlearned in the school of meteorology, a barometer is a device used to measure a change in pressure of the local atmosphere. This change is commonly used to detect impending rain. Here I have used it to indicate the “wetness” of my penis, a very clever joke and possibly a new all time great in the lexicon of sex euphemisms.

And I’ve done this before 9 AM. Like I’ve always said, “Men do more world changing before 9 AM than women do in their whole worthless lives.” I just proved it.

Women are four times more likely to give out personal information in exchange for candy. Throw “free candy” on the list. [Read more]

Fuck You, Eco-Cunts.

Posted in Science Says... on June 4th, 2008

“9 out of 10 women say they’d rather chat up a guy who owns the latest fuel-efficient car versus the latest sports car,” says a survey brought to us by GM — a company that sells electric fucking cars.

As a man who owns a bitchin sports convertible that runs on premium, burns through tires like they’re made of wax, and makes eco-friendly cars piss themselves with oil when it rumbles by (like in the Transformers movie), I feel I should respond to the above survey.

9 out of 10 women: I don’t give a shit about you.

You 90% of women are the lower 90% of women. You are the 1’s, 2’s, 3’s, 4’s, 5’s, 6’s, 7’s, 8’s, and 9’s of the world and you can go fuck a midget for all I care. You’re not hot enough for me to pretend you even exist.

If you want to know why 9 out of 10 women “prefer” men who drive eco-friendly cars, watch a movie called A Beautiful Mind and take notes. Those women “prefer” losers because they are losers. They know they can’t get any better so they change their preferences to maximize their benefits. It’s straight economics. Then watch a movie called Caddyshack.

“The world needs ditch diggers too.” [Read more]

Size Matters

Posted in Science Says... on May 5th, 2008

Which of these assholes would you hire to run your company?

I’m going to explain why you chose the one you did because I like explaining obvious shit in a humorous way. That’s why I wrote Men Are Better Than Women — on sale now.

What could be more obvious than men are better than women? Look at the size of our fucking heads! [Read more]

Happy Birthday. I Got You A ‘Settle the Fuck Down’.

Posted in Honorary Man of the Month, Science Says... on April 27th, 2008

Women are the only creatures on the planet dumb enough to think their birthday is an actual holiday. Birthdays are not holidays. Just like weddings, coffee, pets, and anniversaries that don’t end in and also are “0”; birthdays are not a big deal.

A woman once told me that I had to be nicer to her because it was her “birthday week.” Are you fucking kidding me?

Men are better than women at having birthdays. Men are so much better than women at birthdays that I don’t even know when my birthday is. [Read more]

Greatness Comes in Inches

Posted in Science Says... on April 7th, 2008

Greatness Comes in Inches. That’s a bit of subtle penis humor for you, but it’s also true.

Being an inch short for a roller coaster means waiting a year to try again. Missing Hitler by an inch with your 1903 Springfield sniper rifle means your kids are playing Wolfenstein with German keyboards. If the milkman had missed Lynne Spears’ vagina by an inch, there would be no Britney.

Anal is the only form of birth control shown to be 100% effective. Even abstinence failed once.

In the case of IQ, science has shown men to be smarter than women by mere inches. Even though women act like retarded monkeys, they don’t test like them. Still, what does “mere inches” actually look like? I’ll bet it’s fucking enormous.

That’s another bit of subtle penis humor for you. [Read more]

You’re a Peein’

Posted in Science Says... on February 8th, 2008

I was at the doctor’s office a few days ago getting my hand X-rayed after punching this fuck-head in the throat during the Super Bowl, and I learned an interesting statistic.

88% of women wash their hands after using the restroom.
66% of men do the same.

Urine is sterile, fellows and gentleman. You’re washing your hands too goddamn much. [Read more]

Screaming At Your Wife Is Good For You

Posted in Science Says... on January 27th, 2008

Screaming at a woman is like running on a treadmill. It’s not going to get you anywhere because women are as dense as lead shit, and it’s a loss of Man Points.

Wasting time is a loss of Man Points.

Women understand a good screaming at as much as a dog. You could sound like a logical jet engine, but the yap won’t shut, the budget won’t be learned, and the shoes will still get eaten. Turn it up to 11 if you want, but know that your Engine of Correction is powered on burning Man Points.

Also, according to a new study, screaming at your wife or girlfriend is good for your health — just like running on a treadmill. Maybe it’s not such a waste of time after all. [Read more]