Science Says…

It’s no surprise to men that science has a lot to say about men being better than women.

Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake

Posted in Science Says... on January 9th, 2008

It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.

Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.

Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.

At least that’s what a new study says. [Read more]

The Evolution of Stupid

Posted in Science Says... on October 16th, 2007

Evolution is not a theory. Evolution is a fact.

The “theory” part in the Theory of Evolution refers only to the hypothesis of biological machinations which may or may not be the cause of evolution — ie, Natural Selection and Speciation. And the manliest of scholars have spent thousands of man-hours on exactly that question: why do we evolve?

The question scholars have spent no time on is: why didn’t women evolve? The answer is, because women are stupid and lazy.

You don’t need science to tell you that water is wet. [Read more]

Old Men Are Saviors, Cougars Are Gross

Posted in Science Says... on October 8th, 2007

A manpiphany is a jolt of genius that starts at the balls and proceeds directly to the brain. Whenever I experience this phenomenon, I open my mouth and speak as quickly as I can. What comes out may offend loads of women, but fuck women. The truth needs to be spoken.

Female anger is the weather vane of truth.

Truth is the enemy of women.

If a woman ever gets pissed off at anything you say, science will prove you right. [Read more]

Science Says: Women Are Miserable

Posted in Science Says... on September 27th, 2007

I’ve been saying it for years. Women are miserable. Today, science has finally caught up with my man-brilliance.

In a survey stretching over forty years, women are found to be increasingly unhappy when compared to their smarter and better counterparts: men. The entire disaster can be summed up in one quote from a female business school student.

“My mother’s life goals were to have a beautiful garden, a well-kept house, and well-adjusted children who did well in school. I sort of want all those things, too, but I also want to have a great career and have an impact on the broader world.”

Yea. And I want a chainsaw for a cock. [Read more]

Children Are Not Pinatas

Posted in Dick In Your Ear, Science Says... on August 12th, 2007

Click below to get Dick in your Ear and listen to the podcast of this article.

Child abuse is one of the most shepugnant acts of violence known to man. It’s wrong for the same reason it’s wrong to beat up crippled people. They can’t fight back. That’s also why it’s wrong for fat ladies to squeeze themselves into anything that couldn’t be packaged and resold as a tent. No one can fight that.

There should be no size 4, 6, or 8. If you can’t fit into a 2, cut a hole in the bottom of a trash bag and throw yourself away. [Read more]

Vaginas Might Be Causing Global Warming

Posted in Science Says... on May 7th, 2007

Does science know for certain that women’s vaginas aren’t causing global warming?

I doubt it.

Think about it. Women’s vaginas smell ridiculous. That’s gotta be bad for the environment somehow. Until I read a study saying otherwise, that’s what I’m going with. It’s common sense. [Read more]

How Is a “Lesbian” Like A Walrus?

Posted in Science Says... on May 1st, 2007

They’re both fat as shit.

I was just talking to a lady on the subject of lesbians and how their bodies look strange and Grimace-like, when I received a scientific study from a reader about the very same topic.

Scientifically speaking, men are better than women at being gay; and that means staying in a shape that doesn’t resemble a discarded peanut.

Also, do you know any famous gay women? I don’t think there are any. Martina Navratilova wasn’t famous for being gay. She was famous for looking like a donkey kicked her in the face. [Read more]

MADD Can Go And Fuck Themselves

Posted in Honorary Man of the Month, Science Says... on April 24th, 2007

There’s nothing I love sticking to women more than a big slab of science.

Well almost nothing.

It’s every man’s dream to lead everything he does with a joke about his penis. Don’t be afraid to dream. It’s your birthright as a man.

Also, don’t be afraid to drink. As a man, drinking is not as harmful to your body and brain as it is to a woman. I question whether it’s even harmful at all. [Read more]