Old Men Are Saviors, Cougars Are Gross

A manpiphany is a jolt of genius that starts at the balls and proceeds directly to the brain. Whenever I experience this phenomenon, I open my mouth and speak as quickly as I can. What comes out may offend loads of women, but fuck women. The truth needs to be spoken.

Female anger is the weather vane of truth.

Truth is the enemy of women.

If a woman ever gets pissed off at anything you say, science will prove you right.

Old guys hooking up with young women is fucking awesome.

See? If any women were allowed to read that, it would offend the shit out of them. That means it must be the truth.

Old guys hooking up with young women is awesome and every guy in the world hopes to do it one day — tomorrow preferably. During our twenties, men realize that all women our age stopped emotionally maturing long ago. Puberty for women should actually be called retirement — a retirement of emotional growth, a retirement of critical thinking, and a retirement of whatever makes women not behave like frigid cunts.

Men are better than women.

You don’t buy a new car with a bunch of fucking dings in it, do you? Dings don’t fix themselves. Cars don’t “grow out of” a bunch of dings. God I fucking hate dings.

Women’s egos are like trees. You can tell their age by counting the number of un-fixable fucking dings all over them. Dings like getting offered $300 for a blowjob by one of her boyfriend’s poker buddies because everyone was drunk and she can’t take a joke or a hint. Here comes the sobbing MySpace journal!

Here comes the science.

Old men who hook up with younger women are propelling our species into the next millennium in a big way — big like an ACME rocket. A new study brought to you by the letters M, E, N, says old men are dumping genes that make them live longer into the E-Z Bake oven that is a young woman every time they cross the May/December divide.

An E-Z Bake oven is a cheap and over-hyped toy that produces a consistent supply of shit.

Think about it like this. Biologically speaking, women expire somewhere around 50; even though we know their actual expiration date is 23. Biologically speaking, men can reproduce into their 70’s. In order to pass on that “long life” gene, these older men must sleep with younger women. And by “younger”, I mean women in their 20’s. Do the math, 70 minus 50 is 20. It makes sense.

Older men who hook up with young girls are also doing you and I a favor. Girls who would date older men have father issues that border on psychotic. They’ll key your car if you piss them off. They’ll stalk you. The last thing you want is a relationship with one of these broads without a good twenty years on her. You’ll never hear the end of it, and if she wasn’t too stupid to figure it out, she would do something really horrible like wreck your credit.

A long living man needs to pass on his long living genetic code to a woman before she turns 50. 50 is when menopause rains down on women like the glacier of hormones it is. And that’s exactly what the study found: something I already knew.

Here’s something else I already knew: cougars are gross.

Everything you think is right.