The Dick Guide

Dating: Why?

Posted in The Dick Guide on February 14th, 2008

What: Dating in a manly fashion.
When: Never. Dating is a loss of Man Points.
Where: Anywhere. Women are like Starbucks. They’re all over the place, and they’re all over-priced.
Who: As hot as you can afford. Be careful. Women think credit is the same as money.

What’s missing is why. Why put up with the cell phone calls during dinner, the crazy clairvoyant dreams they keep a secret until four months in, the piss-poor attitudes, the 1001 ways a woman can talk about her dog, the addiction to American Idol and “dance porn”, the talking — the endless fucking talking? Why date?

Why: To get laid. Don’t ever forget it. [Read more]

Dating: Who?

Posted in The Dick Guide on February 13th, 2008

In the previous section of Dick Masterson’s Guide to Manly Dating, I covered the all-important where of dating.

It doesn’t matter if you’re the greatest mountain climber in the northern hemisphere, if you’re trying to beat the world record in the Bonneville Flats, you’re shit out of luck. That’s why I covered where first. It’s the most important. It doesn’t matter if you’re the best player in the world, if you’re trying to sell premium sausage at a pie eating contest, you’re shit out of fuck.

In addition to being one of the most crude sentences ever written, that last thought is also one of the most poignant. [Read more]

Dating: Where?

Posted in The Dick Guide on February 11th, 2008

I personally cannot stand the topic of dating. Dating is something that silly people who think they have a treasure box between their thighs haven’t mastered by the age of 19.

That’s right, I’m talking about women.

But since I do get a lot of questions from young men on this topic — and since I feel as though I am a role model for each of them — I am going to take this entire Valentine’s Day week and even some of next week to talk about how to date in a manly way.

Rule #1: Don’t do it. [Read more]

Internet Dating is Sick and Wrong

Posted in The Dick Guide on January 15th, 2008

Internet dating is sick and wrong. It’s like being a woman senator with tuberculosis. It’s sick and wrong, contagious as hell, and worse yet: it’s womanly.

Whenever I need to decide if something is good or fucked beyond all comprehension, I place the characteristics of said thing on a scale between manliness and womanliness and sum up the pieces. That’s how I know ringtones on cell phones are womanly and a loss of Man Points.

1. Ringtones are never as good the second time around — neither is a woman.
2. Ringtones have the same effect on people as a womanly perfume — everyone associates some sensory experience with you.
3. Ringtones annoy me during movies.

Three womanly strikes means it’s time to throw your cell phone in the trash because “vibrating” is also a loss of Man Points. Women like that. [Read more]

The Dick Guide: An Incompetent Truth

Posted in The Dick Guide on November 1st, 2007

Every day, I get another question from a young man who clearly doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. That’s to be expected in this modern age of Kim Possible and Dr. Cuddy. On TV, women don’t fuck up constantly the way they do in real life — at least not on the channels men watch. The only way to discover the Incompetent Truth is by living life or by listening to someone with a set of balls.

That’s why I’m writing this guide. I’ve got the balls, I’ve got the stamps on my passport, and I would love to fuck a 17 year old girl without getting sent to prison.

That was a pun. Besides, vicarious rape is still legal.

That was another pun. [Read more]