Internet Dating is Sick and Wrong

Internet dating is sick and wrong. It’s like being a woman senator with tuberculosis. It’s sick and wrong, contagious as hell, and worse yet: it’s womanly.

Whenever I need to decide if something is good or fucked beyond all comprehension, I place the characteristics of said thing on a scale between manliness and womanliness and sum up the pieces. That’s how I know ringtones on cell phones are womanly and a loss of Man Points.

1. Ringtones are never as good the second time around — neither is a woman.
2. Ringtones have the same effect on people as a womanly perfume — everyone associates some sensory experience with you.
3. Ringtones annoy me during movies.

Three womanly strikes means it’s time to throw your cell phone in the trash because “vibrating” is also a loss of Man Points. Women like that.

If you’re going to date — which is something I advise against — at least date with your dignity and your balls intact. That not only saves you significant loss to your Man Points, it also increases your chances of ending up in a fulfilling, sexual “relationship”.

1. Internet dating is a perversion of technology.

Technology is meant to save lives and achieve the unimaginable; like landing on the moon or having a four hour erection. It’s not meant to do something any jackass with a twenty dollar bill and pick-up lines he memorized off the list below could do at a T.G.I. Friday’s ten minutes into Happy Hour.

Would you like a drink for free?
I just moved here from England. Is it true that American girls don’t like to give head?
Do you like dogs?

Dick Tip!

Pick-up lines are just like women. They’re all the same and for maximum effect, they should be used as often as possible.

On the scale of manliness vs. womanliness, perverting technology is as womanly as it gets. Women use technology to create problems, not solve them. That’s because technology solved all the problems a woman could ever have with the invention of duct tape. Once the mouth is shut, all of a woman’s problems magically disappear. It’s as if none of them existed in the fucking first place.

2. Internet dating is a perversion of sex.

The human sexual appetite has evolved over thousands of years. Women constantly criticize men for obsessing about sex, but perhaps women would all like to go fuck themselves. If it weren’t for sexual obsession, men would never have boned the hideous she-monkeys that comprised our species thousands of years before Christ was born. Without deviant monkey rape, there would be no “us”.

Attraction is a complicated thing, which I will now explain in layman’s terms.

For a woman, attraction is based on how much time and money it takes for a man to delude a woman into thinking it’s a good idea to fuck. This process continues indefinitely. In the case of men, attraction is based on how much time and money — and bullshit — a man is willing to spend on some trophy tramp for the privilege of fucking her. This process continues indefinitely.

Wait a minute, that’s not complicated at all.

And that’s exactly the mistake every woman on every internet dating site makes the second she clicks “Join”. Over-complicating something that a rat can do with its eyes closed by finding some other rat — or gerbil or whatever — to fuck. That means every woman on every internet dating site a neurotic nightmare.

3. Internet Dating is a perversion of “awesome”.

I would never want to date a woman who wasn’t impressed by my expensive watch. That means I’ll never use J-Date until it features the following question:

Impressive Watch? Yes / No
If YES, please provide a picture of said watch in the space below.

Being awesome means having a bunch of awesome stuff and not being afraid to use it. And internet dating caters to the exact opposite: an uninspired mass of crap and regurgitated nonsense that sums up everyone on the planet in two paragraphs and a quote from Family Guy. Women love internet dating for exactly that reason. They can browse endlessly and egotistically over the same bullshit and never make a decision because the flood never ends. For women, internet dating is like shopping for shoes and working at the Post Office all mixed in one.

Dick Tip!

Women on personals sites who say they like “Family Guy” or “Adult Swim” are fat as fuck.


You can’t pervert sex, technology, and “awesome” without striking out of Man Points. Internet dating is womanly and a sham. If you’re thinking about joining a personals network or emailing one of those sluts you’ve heard so much about on MySpace, just talk to a real girl instead.

Girls are dumber than shit and easy to talk to because of it. They don’t know how money, politics, or even their own orgasms work, and they’ll be forever grateful to you for teaching them. Man the fuck up and use the internet for what it was designed for: work or porn.

Just try not to do both at the same time.