The Middle East Has Enough Problems As It Is

A women’s group in the Middle East is attempting to piss in the face of God this week by petitioning the king of Saudi Arabia for the driving rights they don’t deserve.

That’s right, the burning bra of feminism has torched itself all the way around the world. Women in Saudi Arabia want to drive.

I am writing this article as an open letter to King Abdullah (the king of Saudi Arabia) in hopes of stopping this catastrofuck of lady locomotion before it explodes all over the Middle East like ten nuclear bombs.

If you support this letter, show King Abdullah by signing below in the comments.

King Abdullah,

My name is Dick Masterson. I am a celebrated Man Coach and author of Men Are Better Than Women, a fine work of non-fiction that you can purchase in your local bookstore as of April 2008, or pre-order today through It is a book of such masculine profundity that your camels will have goosebumps.

Sir, it has come to my attention that a band of progressive misfits and hooligans are attempting to bamboozle you into giving women the right to drive. Rest assured that your manly instincts in this matter are correct — as were those of your father and his father. Letting women drive is dangerous. It’s dangerous to life, and it’s dangerous to your way of life.

While 10% of Americans may not be able to point to your country on a map, 100% of Americans can point to a country who fucked up by giving women a number of rights they don’t deserve. That country rhymes with and also is “America”.

Driving is not a religious issue, sir. On that and only that do I agree with these groups of swindling activists. However, it is not a social issue as they claim it to be. Letting women on the road is a matter of public safety and national security.

Women on the road are more dangerous than cancer.

No cancer can hit you broadside at 60 miles per hour in a two thousand pound SUV. At least no cancer I’ve heard of, and I watch House MD reruns at least twice a day. I’ve heard of every type of cancer there is.

Just this month, a woman in Chicago killed her four kids by trying to race a train across the tracks. I don’t know if you guys have trains over there, but I hope you do because they’re awesome. They’re also deadly when women are behind the wheel.

Trains are just like divorces. Man always loses.

Women on the road are needless congestion.

Fact. If you allow women to drive, your roads will have ten times the cars on them as they do today. While men are working from 9 to 5, women are driving all over the place: shopping, shopping some more, getting their hair done. Women are so stupid and predictable that I bet they get their hair done over there in the Middle East even though they have to wear burkas at all times. Women are the same all over the globe, Your Majesty: dumb as Sea Monkeys.

The point is, when you let women drive, you’re giving them the power to vote. In this case, they get to “vote” on where they’re going. Voting is a slippery slope, sir, and the last “right” you want to be fucking around with like a hot falafel on Eid. I think you guys have enough problems over there as it is.

You may be familiar with the character Borat. He is an exaggerated personification of Middle Eastern stereotypes as held by the Western World. He’s humorous, and while he may have generated over 260 million dollars worldwide, he is very much a fictional character.

You may also be familiar with the characters of Hilary Clinton and Gloria Steinhem. While these “ladies” may seem like overly exaggerated stereotypes of barren and shrewish female horse-pigs, they are in fact real women. These women have been driving their entire lives.

Coincidence? I don’t think so.

I read about a television program you guys have called Amsha bint Ammash, where a woman wears a mustache and drives a cab around. Over here, we have a television program called Doogie Howser, where a 16 year-old is a brain surgeon. I think you’ll agree that some things are better left on television.

-Dick Masterson

Burn, Baby. Burn.