Wallow in It

Men are ten times classier than women.

All Women Are Whores

Posted in Wallow in It on November 8th, 2007

I have received well over a thousand supportive emails from women over the last 48 hours. Unsurprisingly to me, the topic they’re the most encouraging about is my comment on whores and all women being them.

All women are whores.

Keep in mind that I consider female anger to be the weather vane of truth and wisdom. When a woman finally has a heart attack after reading something I’ve written, I’m going to start calling myself Buddha.

King Buddha. [Read more]

10 Reasons Why Watches Are So Manly

Posted in Wallow in It on July 17th, 2007

It was recently brought to my attention that I have never weighed my manly weight in on the topic of watches.

Expensive watches are the manliest mancessories there are. Watches are twice as manly as old man clothes and ten times manlier than the manliest of Man Bags.

Here are my top ten reasons why. [Read more]

Dick’s Die Hard 4 Review

Posted in Wallow in It on June 21st, 2007

Die Hard 4 comes out in exactly one week and I couldn’t be more excited.

I have been waiting nearly 20 years for this film. Die Hard 2 and 3 were a no-brainer as I saw it. “But would they make a 4? I thought after watching Alan Rickman fall a million feet to his death from the top of Nakatomi Tower in the Nakatomi Plaza.

“I fucking hope so, I thought next. “Each one of these motherfuckers is more perfect than the last. [Read more]

The World’s Manliest Martini

Posted in Wallow in It on May 11th, 2007

There are two types of martinis: martinis made by women and good martinis.

I tried to drink a martini last night that, unbeknownst to me, was made by a woman. I nearly choked on a goddamn ice cube the thing was so poorly made.

“You guys put ice cubes in your martinis around here?” I said. Hilarious.

This is how you make The World’s Manliest Martini. [Read more]

Sit? How High?

Posted in Wallow in It on January 17th, 2007

I like to consider myself a philanthropist. Not a philanthropist of money, mind you, but a philanthropist of giving men their pride and voices back. I’m a philanthropist of balls.

All men know that’s not true though. You can’t give men their balls back because men and their balls are like Dumbo and his magic feather. Dumbo could fly the whole time because of his giant ears not any kind of lucky feather.

If your Swedish girlfriend ever tells you you need to start sitting while you piss, tell her to go fuck herself. How’s that for balls. [Read more]

Olympic Grilling in 2008

Posted in Wallow in It on December 18th, 2006

The grilling of meat should be an Olympic event. It was an event in the first Olympics so what the fuck happened? Don’t believe me? How about it was the very first Olympic event. All those other games were just invented so Greeks would have something to do that wasn’t each other while they ate their Olympically cooked meat. That may sound stupid, but you have to remember a man just said it — therefore, it isn’t.

I can name five Olympic sports right off the top of my head that have less merit than the sport of grilling: women’s basketball, women’s swimming, women’s football, women’s boxing, and women’s fuck-off’ing, which I invite all women reading this to get gold medals in.

Women’s Olympic Grilling? Women can’t grill. They wouldn’t even pretend to. You know why women can’t grill? Because it’s easy. It takes a lot of time and occasionally a grillman has to deal with some inclement weather, but at the end of the day it’s very easy.

Women can’t do anything easy. [Read more]

Women’s Vaginas Are Puke City

Posted in Wallow in It on December 8th, 2006

I’m going to talk about Britney Spears’ stupid vagina today even though I don’t see anything newsworthy or remotely interesting about what’s happened.

In that case, I’m going to use my man ability to turn something stupid and dull into something of value. Have you ever seen some homeless weirdo on the beach paint beautiful pictures out of chalk and trashcans? Or some other man and some fire turn a bunch of wood into more fire? That’s what I’m talking about.

Men are better than women because penises are better than vaginas. [Read more]

Shitting Is Awesome

Posted in Wallow in It on November 29th, 2006

There are two things in life you can count on: death and shitting.

Fuck taxes.

Women invented taxes. [Read more]