Sit? How High?

I like to consider myself a philanthropist. Not a philanthropist of money, mind you, but a philanthropist of giving men their pride and voices back. I’m a philanthropist of balls.

All men know that’s not true though. You can’t give men their balls back because men and their balls are like Dumbo and his magic feather. Dumbo could fly the whole time because of his giant ears not any kind of lucky feather.

If your Swedish girlfriend ever tells you you need to start sitting while you piss, tell her to go fuck herself. How’s that for balls.

Europe is the birthplace of a lot of stupid crap. Europe invented women voting.

In Europe, women behave differently than they do in America or the UK — and especially Japan. Firstly, women aren’t up their own ass with equal rights and trying to break through a glass ceiling which is made of lead because women’s brains are made of lead. That makes European women more dangerous. Instead of staying at home all day bitching about how hard it is to stay at home all day, they stay at home all day and conspire against men.

Scary, right? No, it sure isn’t. As a man, I’m not afraid of the Bogeyman and I’m not afraid of women.

Women in Europe have a new hilarious agenda. Like usual, it has everything to do with women’s obsession with men and their penises and what they do with their penises. There’s a hysterical craze sweeping Sweden that will probably be all over the world before you know it, that says men shouldn’t pee standing up anymore. Swedish women say men shouldn’t pee standing up any more. It’s too sexist and a blatant show of machismo.

No it isn’t. I agree, though. Men shouldn’t pee standing up. Men should pee while spinning in circles in the middle of the fucking street. That’s a “too sexist” and blatant display of machismo and that’s the only way men should do it. It’s also better for the environment.

A feminist group has gone so far as to campaign against urinals at Stockholm University.

Again. I agree with this.

See, for years, I Dick Masterson have been waging a one-man war of my own against women and their precious fucking bathrooms. A lot of places and restaurants, especially in big cities, have one-person, gender specific bathrooms. That is to say, they have two bathrooms; both with locks on the door, both with room for one and one only, and both with a gender specific set of plumbing. Well, every time I eat at or otherwise grace one of these places with my man-patronage, I use the women’s bathroom.

It’s that simple.

Why should some man be inconvenienced because his bathroom is being occupied?

I encourage all men to do the same. If the door has a lock, it’s unisex. Fuck urinals. Take them away, bitches. I’m already pissing all over your seats.

You can’t give men their balls back because they can never loose them in the first place.

Let Sleeping Dogs Pee