I’m Keeping My What With You?

Has anyone ever put some serious man thought into the great trifuckta that is women and money.

They can’t make money.
They can’t keep money.
They can’t spend money.

So why the fuck do women work in banks anyway? Women don’t work as bouncers or as Secret Service agents.

I’ve decided to throw my mighty man brain at the issue.

Women bank tellers don’t know the first thing about money because they don’t know the first thing about expediency or taking things seriously. This is my fucking money we’re talking about. However I did make it, I worked my ass off because I’m a man and that’s what we do. I don’t want any smiles or pleasantries while I’m talking about my fucking money. I don’t want pens to be fumbled for. I don’t want to be flirted with. That’s actually the last thing I want when I’ve got my hand or my mind on my money — and my money on my mind.

Also, you can shove your promotional Spongebob checks up your ass.

Aside from tellers, women in the banking industry are non-existent. That’s why I always tell kids to be bankers. Little boys will grow into the vacation lifestyle of a permanent men’s club, and little girls aren’t listening to a fucking word I’m saying.

So why are women absent from the banking industry? Is it because no insurance company in the world could cover something so reckless? No. The real reason is because women can’t count and are afraid of money.

That right. They’re terrified of it.

That’s why women don’t make any money. They’re scared of it. That’s also why they spend it as quickly as fucking possible and why women’s purses are such a mess all the time. They like to stuff all their money in there like a Christmas turkey so that if they don’t see it, they can pretend it isn’t there — at least until they get to the store.

Money turns women on like Spanish Fly for the same reason. It’s like having sex in a restroom or someone else’s car. It’s exciting and thrilling because there’s an element of apprehension. Women are always ten times more turned on knowing that some money might be right around the corner, waiting to jump out and give them money rabies or whatever stupid thing women are afraid of.

And that thing is the following: If women had any money, then they wouldn’t be dependant on men. That’s what scares them. Women crave their place more than anything. If you threaten to take it away from them with a huge wad of cash, you’re essentially making them watch all the Freddy and Jason movies in series and at the same time and also giving them a mirror that reflects what they’ll look like fifteen years in the future.

Clock’s ticking, ladies.

And fuck, I just realized there really are no women in the Secret Service.