Boys Turn to Tech, Girls Turn to Poundcake

It’s long been true that unpopular young men turn to science and innovation for companionship during their awkward years. These men are the Bill Gates and Philo T. Farnsworth’s of the world — and to a lesser extent the George Taylor’s. In 1869, Taylor invented a steam-powered, vibrator called “The Manipulator” designed to relieve female patients of “hysteria”. It took up two rooms and required physicians to shovel coal into a furnace while it was in operation. A grand idea it was, but in my experience, Taylor’s invention only seems to encourage “hysteria”. Perhaps that was the true genius of it.

Men who are faced with unpopularity in their teens prepare themselves for adult success because of it.

Girls who are unpopular get fat as fuck.

At least that’s what a new study says.

Men are better than women at being unpopular. When men are unpopular, we dedicate ourselves to things; making up our own worlds so we can be popular there, like film nerds who later become filthy rich directors, or poseurs who overstate their filmic achievements in order to get laid. When women are unpopular they turn to drama class, black nail polish, and start pumping cheese into their veins like it’s an antidote for lameness.

There is only one antidote for lameness. It starts with “M”, rhymes with “money”, and cannot be found at the bottom of a Funyuns bag.

Here is an excerpt from a recent study detailing to what extent loserness and pig-fatness are related in young women.

“Those who believed they were unpopular gained more weight over a two-year period than girls who viewed themselves as more popular… Those who rated themselves low in popularity were 69 percent more likely than other girls to increase their body mass index by two units, the equivalent of gaining about 11 pounds.”

There’s only one thing that disgusts me more than a fat woman, and that’s a fat little girl. Lift a finger, you fucking butterball. It’s easy for children to lose weight. It’s never a glandular problem, and even if it is, broken glands are nothing that running 10 miles every day won’t fix.

If there’s one area of the human condition that needs no further research, it’s girls and their epic battle with low self-esteem. Girls shouldn’t have any self-esteem at all. What have they ever done but annoy everyone and spend their father’s money? That’s nothing to be proud of. It’s true that some little girls dress like sluts and we all appreciate it, but no little girl can take credit for that. Only her mother can.

The reason unpopular young girls eat like garbage disposals is the same reason they’re killing themselves at increasing rates. Someone told them they should feel good about themselves without effort. When they don’t, they start shoveling candy into their guts to fill the void. Way to go, women. That’s what happens when you teach life lessons to kids while having no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.

If women weren’t as dumb as rocks and as easy to sell things to as tossing sardines to seals in a cage, they wouldn’t let their cosmetics companies shovel delusions of self-esteem down the throats of their young.

Men don’t let beer companies teach young boys to be happy with who they are, or that girls will like them for it. That’s a quicker route to being a virgin in college than home school. Men teach boys that they need to change if they’re not good enough, they need to make money if they’re not rich enough, and if they feel bad about it, they need to shut their fucking mouths.

You can’t turn into a teenage blimp if you keep your mouth shut. Either way, the problem is solved.

Read more about Fat Bottom Girls.
Read more about the history of vibrators.
Read more about Funyuns.